12 Reasons I ‘Literally Can't Even' And I Love It
In the past few years, the following words and phrases have become increasingly common (and overused) in every conversation between 15- to 30-year-old women:
“I hate it.”
“I can't even.”
So much so that everyone now must talk about how annoying and “ditzy” these people are. Even “SNL” got in on the fun and created a hilarious skit with host Dakota Johnson about coworkers who, “just can't deal.”
Guess what? I'm one of those 15- to 30-year-old women and IDGAF how annoying I may sound.
I, “I literally can't,” on an hourly basis because life is hard and people are stupid. Before you go and dismiss this perfect line, here are some reasons why it always works in every situation:
1. I'm trying to listen.
We all have those friends who won't take a second to breathe while telling a story (myself included), making it extremely difficult to get a word in or voice your own extremely important opinion about something.
Saying, “I can't,” takes less than a second. So, when my friend is going on and on, leaving no room for me to interrupt and speak my mind, I can always slip in a good “I can't.” To which said friend could respond, “I KNOW,” and continue rambling.
2. I'm not listening.
The above also works when I ultimately get lost in whatever my friend is going on about. This way, at least it seems like I'm listening.
3. I'm lazy.
At some point in the last 10 years, everyone decided to shorten every word possible. Then we started condensing phrases.
“I can't” became an even more abbreviated way to express, “I can't even.”
We are apathetic people, and heaven forbid we use a complete phrase when we can barely take the time to utter an entire word (e.g. obvi, caj, totes, fav and any other term coined by your bitchiest friend).
So I'm lazy; deal with it.
4. It can mean so many things.
Regardless of what the full phrase once was, these two short words now have infinite definitions that can work in a multitude of situations.
I could be referencing a hideous outfit, an outlandish action, something mind-blowing, the weather or just sheer confusion. There are endless possibilities.
5. I'm incapable of having emotions.
Cue Barenaked Ladies, “I'm the kind of [girl] who laughs at a funeral.” My lack of emotion leads to a lack of caring, which ultimately leads to me not knowing what to say in certain situations.
6. My vocabulary is that of a 14-year-old.
To this day, I have no idea how I got into college. I'd say about 75 percent of the time, I literally have no idea what else to say.
7. It ends a conversation.
Talking makes me tired since I tend to never shut up. I don't have the patience to come to a full conclusion at the end of every story. I wish it were an acceptable way to end all college papers.
8. It also can end a relationship.
This goes hand-in-hand with the fact that I have zero emotions and, therefore, don't know how to break up with people.
The conversation typically results in me referring to the relationship as “this” while waving my hand between both of us, shaking my head and saying, “I just can't.” Note that this rarely works…
9. I don't want to talk to you.
Apparently, some people refuse to acknowledge the combination of oversized sunglasses and headphones as the universal sign for “f*ck off,” and need to be physically told that you “can't even” handle speaking right now.
10. Life is hard.
It accurately indicates my true lack of understanding of the world around me.
11. You're annoying me.
I'm a cynical bitch. If you and/or your conversation is annoying AF, I will find a way to let you know how much I do not care.
12. I literally can't.
AKA: I don't want to.
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