Jewish girls are a delicate fruit. I’ve spent about 21 years out in the field (from Bat Mitzvahs, to Sweet 16s, to Forum — ugh, to XtremeTrips orientations, to Park Guell, all the way to the Gansevoort Rooftop) with intentions of fully grasping their behavior (more or less, unsuccessfully). Well, it’s that time ladies and germs — PwC is just about ready to send their summer interns back to the Big 10 (and rest assured, Turtle Bay will definitely feel their absence), your favorite Deli’s iced coffee will promptly be swigged only in daydreams, and bam — Adderall will suddenly become relevant in your life once again (along with the accompanying “library-Asians” — as I’ve coined them).
Yes, college is back, and there is no more natural habitat for Jewish girls to roam free than the confines of their home university (and ultimately the Sigma Delta Tau house). Earning a college degree is one of the most powerful privileges Americans can receive, as citizens of the greatest country in the world, and it is surely not one to take lightly.
Picking the right college for yourself — INDIVIDUALLY — is everything. This is why Jewish girls consult with every one of their teen tour friends (and all their teen tour friends’ friends) from UCLA or UC Santa Barbara or UC Whatever before deciding on the school that’s right for them (ironically, no, nobody actually goes to college in California).
The bottom line is, realistically, Jewish girls aren’t all that creative. As a rule of thumb, after 12 years at Camp-Mock-A-Nixon — Jewish girls will come home, take the SATs, and decide between Penn State and Maryland. The major distinction between these two schools is whether or not the Jewish girl is willing to drink beer, in which case she’ll find a happy home in Happy Valley. If not, she’ll make her way over to College Park where she’ll fully immerse herself in all the cheap vodka her little heart could desire — and “drunk eat” fro-yo.
Of course, like all things in life, there are exceptions. On the one hand, Jewish girls with money and good grades band together to form the powerful sect, formally known as “Theta,” at Michigan. After about a semester or so, the “Michigan Complex” (a frame of mind enclosed to the inhabitants of Ann Arbor, when the rest of the world becomes obsolete and more or less forgotten) will develop — and no matter how close you were with these girls in high school — you will never see them again (as the “Michigan Complex” leaves no need for non-Michigan people).
On the other hand, Jewish girls with money and not so good grades band together and go to ‘Cuse (where there’s no shortage of cocaine or Steve Aoki). You can exchange Michigan with Binghamton, and ‘Cuse with Buffalo, when parents draw the line financially (after the Chanel bag they just purchased for graduating high school).
No matter what school Jewish girls attend, there’s always one constant: my undying love for them. Whether at the gym, watching 14 sets of Lululemons leggings moving in unison on the ellipticals — or outside Daniel’s Bagels in Murray Hill (coincidence? I think not…) — wherever there are Jewish girls, it’s a pretty safe bet that I’m close by…asking to be set up with their “little.”
Photo Courtesy: Tumblr