Almost every man decides to get a rub and tug at least once. Whether it’s today or years down the road, chances are you’re likely to end up at a “special” massage parlor. Despite the taboo associated with this service, there is nothing to be ashamed of, as every man needs his personal time.

We would like to provide some useful insight to ensure that you are adequately prepared for this experience. Follow these rules and you are sure to have the most pleasurable time.

Thou shall heat and steam 

Most “rub and tug” places have a sauna and a steam room and it is imperative you utilize this amenity. You don’t want to seem like a horny scumbag solely looking to be manually pleasured. Further, it is essential to relax your body and your muscles beforehand. Start off with 10 minutes in each room to loosen the muscles up.

Thou shall let it hang

This is a massage parlor and everyone is there for the same reason. It is not the time to become bashful and cover up. You’re most likely going to have to shower in the presence of other men, so be prepared. You don’t want to be the one guy showering with his underwear or a towel on. Hang proudly, I assure you no one is looking.

The shower bed law

Now you will likely be directed to a shower bed where you will be bathed by a stunning Hispanic woman. Make sure she pours hot water on the bed prior to using it to remove the bacteria. Also be sure to cup your pack and prevent any direct contact with the bed. The last thing you want is to catch something from a rub and tug shower bed.

Thou shall know how to answer the “first time?” question

After you have completed the preliminary steps you will now be introduced to your masseuse. Remember that rub and tugs are illegal and they suspect everyone of being an undercover cop. She will ask you ”Have you been here before” and you must answer YES or else you out of luck. If she hears it’s your first time she will think you’re a cop, or worse, an innocuous rookie.

When she asks you “Who massaged you last time?” your answer should be always “May.” The chances of there being a May somewhere in that building are extremely high.

Thou shall be patient 

Your long awaited rub and tug is finally about to occur. You must be patient at this point because the last thing you want to deal with is premature ejaculation. Control yourself to ensure that you will be pleasured for the longest possible time. As all true veterans know, aim for the ceiling because that’s where the legends and true winners rest.

Thou shall ask for “two time”

Many don’t know this, but you can actually get a “happy beginning” and a “happy ending.” It’s as easy as saying can I have “two time.” That is the code word for initiating the double whammy. An increase in your gratuity will be expected.

Thou shall not talk

She might try to make small talk and be extremely inquisitive during the massage. Don’t take the bait, as you’re supposed to relax, not engage in a lengthy conversation with the masseuse.

Thou shall not fall in love

This might seem obvious, but we personally know someone who has fallen in love with a rub and tug masseuse, almost leaving his family to marry her! This sounds improbable, but please ensure that this doesn’t happen to you. You’re certainly not the only man she’s pleased this week, that’s for sure.

Thou shall say no to the hot towel

At some point during your massage she will mention employing a hot towel to clean the remnants of your encounter. Remember this towel has been used on 1000s of men beforehand and politely refuse. We actually recall one friend having this hot towel thrown on his face after she wiped him off. She found it funny. That’s the last time we go to a rub and tug on April fools day.

Thou shall be incognito

When you depart the parlor, you should be donning a hat and sunglasses or, as we like to call it, the Leonardo Dicaprio airport look. The last thing you want is to be seen by someone you know or one of your girlfriend’s close friends. It’s better to stay safe and act like a celebrity walking through an airport–cover up and don’t let anyone recognize you. Reputation is everything.

Elite.