The Eight Things Our Lives Would Be Better Without In 2012
2012 brought us a world of advancements to cater to our most popular hobbies and past times. However, these changes require the user to adapt to the social outcome it produces, which not always a care free process.
Charles Darwin’s theories supported the fact that, “It is not the strongest of the species that survives, nor the most intelligent, but the one most responsive to change.”
Either get with the times or go back to the woods. It is simply unavoidable to adapt in 2012 because what might have been a helping hand five years ago is now a tool for social inconvenience and regret.
Cameras in nightclubs
Mobile devices are our best friends and worst enemies. 3:00 AM and six bottles deep into your own dizziness, this is the period during your evening in which you feel the most confident but appear to be the most horrendous. There is nothing worse than being deep in a neck kiss or a grinding session worthy of your eighth grade formal and seeing a light flash going off.
Whether you had one hand up a skirt and the other with a bottle to your mouth, this is the epitome of terrible PR. Almost as quick as the image is taken your soberness kicks in for a 30 second flash as you attempt to find the culprit who got TMZ on your group. This person is about to broadcast to the world what I look like when I think I look cool but really look like a drunken creep.
The only time pictures should be allowed in any club is prior to the bottles coming to your table. God knows nothing pretty happens after 11:35 PM. Please put your phone away pedestrian and at least try to act like this isn’t your first time here.
What the fuck are the South Beach edition Jordans? We appreciate your overzealous efforts in shameless self-promotion of some of the finest Chinatown Nikes the world has ever seen, but clearly we are not your demographic. It’s one thing to bombard your own wall with promotional items, but don’t tag us. When has this ever worked out for you?
It’s almost an insult to tag someone in this manner because it conveys that you view them as an unwary customer who will buy anything you throw in their face and say is for them. Understand your market before you waste your efforts and pass out flyers outside of Supreme or BAPE. You’re far better off pushing them on Canal Street or the swap meet. It would be far more effective.
Club promoting through social media
Judging by all the mediocre women and plastic bottles of vodka in your tagged photos, we understand that you’re a promoter. But trust us, even if you had sole access to the last club on planet Earth we still would not approach you. Any club that you touch we know has gone to shit. The best promoters in the city do their job without social media marketing.
We know you make $50 a head on each of these Abercrombie & Fitch retail store models. Just because they fold sweaters and greet everyone with a “Hey, How you doing?” does not quantify that they are active models.
Auto-complete URL fields
There is nothing more embarrassing than trying to show your boss a clip on Youtube, and having a multitude of porn sites come up in auto-complete before you can even get halfway through the URL. Youjizz, Youporn, Xtube and Spankwire somehow all fill the drop down auto-complete menu after spelling Y-O-U.
If our computer knows us well enough to remember every single porn site we’ve ever visited then it should also know when the mood strikes. We’re perfectly fine typing out the URL on our own.
Society has let a few bad apples ruin the rest of it for us. We are not all self-loathing lazy hippies, and although mainstream media wants to peg all individuals as cry babies, the Elite refuses to subscribe to the ways of the protestors.
Understanding that success is only established through continual sacrifice and dedication in life is the most important thing if you want to bootstrap yourself out of your current position. It worked during the 60s, but these days you’re far better off blogging about your woes than flipping cars and crying about getting pepper sprayed.
Even worst than Instagram and Facebook images are Twitter Avatars. There is no way to tell the dynamics and beauty of an individual through a 150×150 pixel image. The number of times that we’ve mistakenly DM a potential love interest only to find out that they were horrendous has taken us far too long of a time to adjust to the learning curve.
Damn you, hip hop. In the last 10 years nightclubs have went from venues which brought like minded individuals together to a nightly arms race of American Express cards. We reminisce on the days where clubs would hold your bottles for you until your return. 2012 has brought glorification to bottle service as sparklers tend to attract every high end pedestrian hooker withing a 200 feet radius.
No longer are tables surrounded by great friends and good company. Rather they’re filled with every Saudi Royal-wannabe and Fashion Week models who don’t make it to the tents. The highest caliber of social circle you can get to is anywhere Leonardo DiCaprio is spotted. Congratulations, you’re a groupie.
Hookers wearing bras in the club
Is your face really that busted that you can’t find a regular top revealing enough to entice on-lookers? We know you want everyone at the club to look at your chest but there couldn’t be a less classy method of getting this message across than walking around in a bra.
There is an endless amount of self-deprecating qualities this fashion statement declares, such as “No, I don’t want to be taken seriously” to “I wanted to just go topless so people would talk to me but they wouldn’t let me in, so here you go.”
You look ridiculous standing next to everyone else who was able to find something to wear and there’s nothing mysterious, sexy, or even adventurous about it. When everybody is looking at you, it’s not out of admiration. It’s because they are all wondering “Does she know everyone can tell she’s just wearing a bra?”