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Which Famous Serial Killer You Would Be, Based On Your Zodiac Sign

We all have a morbid obsession of some kind.

Maybe you like watching zit-popping videos on YouTube, or you can’t stop biting your nails.

But if there’s one obsession all of America has in common, it’s the one we have with serial killers. We can’t understand them, yet we can’t stop trying to figure them out.

I, for one, can’t stop listening to true crime podcasts (just to scale back on the fearmongering in the news these days), and I’ve decided to combine this morbid curiosity with my obsession with astrology.

So, here’s which famous serial killer you’d be, based on your zodiac sign:

Aries: Paul John Knowles, aka “The Casanova Killer”

I’ve always said Aries are the babies of the zodiac.

They are impulsive and foolish, and they’re so sensitive to rejection it’s like their lives depend on the acceptance and praise of others.

Paul John Knowles, aka “The Casanova Killer,” is a great example of an Aries who didn’t get that acceptance.

After being given up to a foster home at a young age, Knowles never seemed to get over the fact that he was unwanted. He logged his first arrest at age 19 and met his future fiancée in jail.

His future bride-to-be was a divorcée who shelled out the money to get him released from prison, but soon after, she called off the engagement.

Knowles, a typical Aries, impulsively began his cross-country killing spree that night, and he racked up between 18 to 35 victims within one year.

Even as killers, Aries have a lot of power and drive in the beginning, but they have trouble planning things well.

And that’s just like Casanova, who got shot in the chest at the end of his year-long murder spree in an attempt to escape while he was handcuffed in the cop car.


Taurus: Danny Rolling, aka “The Gainesville Ripper”

Taurus is an elaborate and sensual sign, and they’re extremely sensitive to the appearance of their surroundings.

They are extremely artistic, determined and thorough in everything they do.

They’re also careful to create a certain atmosphere in their environment, even if it’s a horrifying one.

The Gainesville Ripper set his victims’ bodies on display as though he was making an art instillation.

He even decapitated one victim and placed her head on a bookshelf as a display to the police when they arrived.

In one case, he surrounded a victim’s beds with mirrors for maximum effect.

Real sick shit, Taurus. You all should be ashamed of yourselves, feng shui and all.


Gemini: Jasmiyah and Tasmiyah Whitehead, aka “The Twisted Twins”

Gemini is the sign of the twins. It is represented by the third house of siblings, and Geminis are known for being two-faced.

They’re very attached to their siblings, and they are loyal to their sisters and brothers above anyone else.

The Whitehead twins stabbed, strangled and severed their mother’s spinal cord together before going to school one morning when they were both 16 years of age.

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When police arrived at their home, they appeared completely innocent — crying and distraught — but their innocence had a much darker side.

Thankfully, unlike the twins, the stories they told the police were not an exact match, and they’ve been jailed together ever since.

The Whitehead twins showed two very different faces when confronted by police at the scene of the crime, just like a Gemini would.


Cancer: Ed Gein, aka “The Mad Butcher”

The sign of Cancer has serious mom issues. Cancers are either extremely attached to their moms, or they’re deeply resentful of the alienation they feel toward them.

Regardless of the quality of the relationship, every Cancer has an unusually deep connection with their mother.

They are often homebodies who design their homes to be sanctuaries to which they can retreat.

This is why Cancer would be best represented by the infamous killer Ed Gein, who, following his mother’s death, dug up the graves of recently buried women who resembled his mother and then used their body parts to furnish his house.


Leo: Dennis Rader, aka “The BTK Killer”

No true Leo could do anything without craving at least some attention.

Without the notoriety, a Leo would feel as though their experiences never happened.

Unfortunately, for a serial killer, having a deep need for attention really fucks with the whole not getting caught aspect of murdering people.

This was the downfall for Dennis Rader, the BTK Killer.

Obsessed with notoriety, Rader sent taunting letters to police under the name BTK, which stood for “Bind, Torture, Kill.”

In these letters, he bragged about stalking his victims before breaking into their homes, binding their limbs and strangling them.

In 2005, he sent a floppy disc to the press, who traced the package and found him.

Rader was arrested and charged, and he immediately confessed. He finally got the twisted sort of “credit” he felt he deserved.


Virgo: Leonarda Cianciulli, aka “The Soap-Maker of Correggio”

Leonarda Cianciulli was a typical Italian housewife. She baked teacakes and made homemade soap.

She was as crafty as any Virgo, the sign with an incredible knack for making homemade gifts.

But, Leonards’s recipes included a secret ingredient: human flesh.

What sets her apart from other serial killers is what sets Virgo apart from other signs. Everything she did was an act of service, however twisted.

When Leonarda heard her son was to be drafted into the Italian Army, she believed the only way to protect him in battle was by human sacrifice.

So, she murdered three women in Italy by offering them a glass of drugged wine before killing them with an axe and cutting up the corpses to make teacakes, which were served to her family.

As for the soap? Well, she used it for bathing.

That Virgo reputation for being a clean freak has a whole new meaning now, doesn’t it?


Libra: Andrei Chikatilo, aka “The Butcher of Rostov”

Libra is generally a really peaceful sign, but if a Libra kills, it’s going to be for the sake of justice. They simply can’t stand that life isn’t fair.

Andrei Chikatilo is a perfect example of Libra’s compulsive need to balance the scales.

Chikatilo was born during a historical time of starvation. His family ate grass and leaves to survive, and his older brother was reportedly kidnapped and cannibalized.

On top of that, he was impotent.

It was during his first murder that he realized he was only able to achieve an orgasm through stabbing, slashing and cannibalizing women and children.

He went on to murder and cannibalize over 52 victims, women and children alike, in some twisted attempt to seek justice against the world for both his brother and the life he was born into.

Things aren’t fair, Libra. You want justice, go to law school.


Scorpio: Charles Manson

Charles Manson is the perfect example of a Scorpio’s ability to look into and manipulate the minds of others.

They have an uncanny ability to perceive your innermost fears and insecurities and to exploit them for their own personal gain, which is exactly the kind of skill that a man like Charles Manson needed.

He also had the charisma of a Scorpio, endowing him with the ability to to brainwash his followers into killing nine people in five weeks over the summer of 1969.

The power of the Scorpio charisma was so intense in him that even after being jailed and caught, he became an emblem of violence, insanity and the macabre in society that has lasted until this day.


Sagittarius: Ted Bundy, aka “The Co-ed Killer”

Sagittarius is a sign that’s notoriously hard to pin down, and Ted Bundy is a perfect example of that, having escaped from prison twice to go on to perform even more killings.

People of this sign appear friendly and disarming, so it makes sense Bundy was capable of approaching his victims in public places and then leading them to secluded areas where he would sexually assault and kill them.

Sagittarius is the sign of the archer, and as the natural competitors that they are, this Sagittarius psychopath kept the severed heads of his victims in his apartment as trophies.


Capricorn: John George Haigh, aka “The Acid Bath Murderer”

Capricorns are natural businessmen, so if they’re going to go into the business of mass murdering people, they’re going do it for money.

John Haigh, like any Capricorn, knew how to make some dough off of his twisted talent.

He would con wealthy individuals and charm them into believing he was a successful businessman. After that, he’d lure his victims to a derelict warehouse before shooting them.

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Then, he would dissolve their bodies in sulfuric acid before forging papers in order to sell their possessions and collect their life savings.

Because if you’re a Capricorn who loves to kill people, there’s still nothing you love more than money.


Aquarius: Bob Berdella, aka “The Kansas City Butcher”

Aquarians are innovators, experimenters, inventors and the mad scientists of the zodiac, which is why when Bob Berdella was finally caught for kidnapping, torturing and murdering six men, police found over 200 photos of his victims and detailed torture logs.

Apparently, Bordella went about torturing his victims the way Aquarians go about doing anything else: by experimenting.

Bordella used different kinds of devices, at one point placing a spatula over the eye of a young man and electrocuting him in an attempt to blind him, unsuccessfully.

He considered himself some kind of macabre scientist.


Pisces: John Wayne Gacy, aka “The Killer Clown”

Leave it to the sign of Pisces to get into serial killing by way of a charity event.

This sign is known for being dreamers and self-sacrificing idealists. But, the shadow side of those qualities in every Pisces is the capacity for drifting away in nasty fantasies or destructive ideologies.

John Wayne Gacy became known as the “Killer Clown” due to his charitable services at fundraising events, parades and children’s parties, where he would dress up as “Pogo the Clown,” a character he devised himself.

Gacy struggled with accepting his own homosexuality, which may have been tied to the sexual assault and murder of the 33 boys whom he buried in the crawl space of his own home.

It’s every Pisces goal to live their dreams, but unfortunately, John Wayne Gacy’s “dreams” were of the “unspeakable nightmare” variety.

Stay positive, Pisces. Lives are depending on it.

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Rosebud Baker

Editor

Rosebud Baker is a standup comic and writer in NYC. Follow her on Twitter, where she desperately seeks the approval of strangers, but will settle for just attention.
Rosebud Baker is a standup comic and writer in NYC. Follow her on Twitter, where she desperately seeks the approval of strangers, but will settle for just attention.

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