41 Times It Looks Like I Have My Sh*t Together, But I Really Don’t
Getting your sh*t together is a never-ending process. Once you think you know what you’re doing, life throws a curveball your way and knocks you back on your ass.
You’re left on the floor right back where you started and you still have to put all the pieces back together.
Sure, you could let it destroy your motivation, but where’s the fun in that? In life, the journey is the destination — the fun and the reward are realized when you look back and see how far you’ve come.
So laugh a little because it’s the only way you’re going to make it out alive.
1. I show up to work on time, but I’ll be hungover until lunch.
2. I have an apartment, but I still beg for my family’s help when rent is due.
3. I have a savings account, but I have no idea what that means.
4. I get a paycheck, but I spend half of it on weed. (And don’t regret it.)
5. I go to the grocery store, but I eat everything as soon as I get home.
6. If I do get vegetables, they expire before I can even think about eating them.
7. I know how to diet, but it only lasts 30 minutes.
8. I buy new clothes, but six months later they still have the price tag attached.
9. I’m Internet-savvy, but mostly when it comes to Facebook stalking and online shopping.
10. I call my parents every week, but only to ask for money and complain.
11. I’m in a relationship, but I can’t kick that blacking-out habit.
12. I know my limit, but I can’t turn down a tequila shot.
13. I have a gym membership, I just haven’t used it yet.
14. I have Netflix, but it’s my best friend’s sister’s cousin’s boyfriend’s account.
15. I have a savings account, but it’s also my vacation fund.
16. I talk to my bank rep, but only because he calls me every time I overdraft.
17. I have students loans, but I’m really good at deferring payments.
18. I never miss a birthday, but it’s only because I have Facebook.
19. I’m worldly, but Amber Rose fights are my number one priority.
20. I end all of my relationships on good terms, but also text my exes whenever I’m drunk.
21. I’d get a dog, but I can’t even take care of myself.
22. I may hit the gym on the weekends, but that doesn’t mean I don’t binge drink at night.
23. I definitely know how to work out, but it’s only to justify eating pizza.
24. I may know what the right decision is, but it doesn’t mean I make it all of the time.
25. I know how to feed myself, but it’s called Seamless and I order it 15 times a week.
26. I only buy clothes when I need them, but I just so happen to need new ones every single week.
27. I know how to manage my money, but it’s just me transferring from my savings account whenever I need to.
28. I know I should stop binge-drinking, but Saturday and Sunday brunches are just too exciting.
29. I know I need to clean my room and make my bed, but let’s be real, it’s only going to stay clean for a day.
30. I know I should go to sleep earlier, but there are just too many good options on Netflix.
31. I’m super responsible, but by responsible, I mean I sleep in my own bed every night of the week.
32. I know I should call my family more often, but I’m just highly intoxicated the majority of the time.
33. I should probably sell my car since I can barely pay my bills, but what happens when I need transportation in the summer?
34. I know I should be saving up for the future, but the most important future I can think of is what my summer-share house situation is going to be.
35. I could go back to grad school, but then I’d probably pick up a terrible Adderall habit… again.
36. I should definitely update my résumé, but I don’t plan on looking for a job any time soon.
37. I know it’s the 28th of the month, but there’s a 10-day grace period for rent, isn’t there?
38. I know I shouldn’t be ordering fries for lunch, but I really can’t think of a more satisfying meal.
39. I may know how to control my temper, but it doesn’t mean your stupidity didn’t deserve a verbal attack.
40. I definitely know how to find a coupon, but chances are I’m too lazy to do so.
41. I may think I have my sh*t figured out, but I have no idea what the f*ck I’m really doing.
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