Growing up, you’re led to believe that the world is filled with many different types of people: 6.974 billion to be exact. You’re led to believe that you will come across a lot of different people over the course of your life, which will result in different experiences and, ultimately, different bonds. As a guy growing up in one of the most diverse cities in the world, New York City, you would think it would be impossible to constantly run into the same type of girl over and over again, which would result in the same experiences and the same outcomes. It’s not. The type of girl I am so graciously describing is the infamous JAP, otherwise known as the Jewish American Princess. The worst part is that these girls know each other! (Jewish geography) but we will get to that later.
It is safe to assume that east coast Jewish girls spread themselves far and wide and all have pretty much the same qualities, give or take. Swap out some noses here or there, the name of a camp, and which of the seven schools (that all JAPS attend) that she was in SDT — and you pretty much have the same exact girl over and over again. These girls aren’t unique and are perfectly okay with that, in fact they are perfectly okay with being known as JAPs as well.
I remember when I met my first JAP; it was ages ago, before UGGs were popular and sushi was on the menu every single night. It was during my adolescence, the elementary school years. She was cute, fun to be around, gossiped a lot and was willing to get to second base rather quickly. But, of course, being at a Jewish Day school, there were many girls just like her, that in public, all looked like they were the best of friends, but behind closed doors, they secretly hated each other. Could it be that the distaste came from the fact that they all spoke the same, dressed the same, wanted to hook up with the same boy and all had the same color SoLow pants on? No, nonsense.
Having dated many Jewish girls in my past, I have actually banned them from my criteria of women that I am interested in, for one reason and one reason only: they are ALL EXACTLY THE SAME. Here are the 10 signs you know you are an east coast JAP.
Yom Kippur, the first Seder of Passover and Birthright are as religious as you will ever get
Jewish girls are quite funny, you use your faith and religion as a shield to show some sort of respect for yourselves. The best part is you’re as far from religious as it gets. The only time religion plays any significant role is during two notable holidays, which are Yom Kippur (where you fast for a quarter of the time, use your phone in Temple and take advantage of the holiday by sleeping all day). Oh, and who can forget breaking fast with bagels!
The next one is, of course, the first Seder of Passover, which is the only time you are actually kosher for Passover. The 7 days following, you abide by the philosophy, “If I physically don’t eat bread than nothing I eat can have bread in it.” This is just what you tell yourself when you’re eating froyo and drinking beer, as G-d knows you can’t live without both of those for more than 7 days.
JAPs, you’re simple people, you create your own rules and make sure those rules and your friends’ religious rules are the same and then observe those. When embarking on the infamous birthright trip, you will undoubtedly come back and be religious for a week — because somehow getting plowed by an Israeli solider will do that to a girl.
You think Steve Aoki is the most talented musician on planet earth
Steve Aoki is good; he’s not amazing, he’s not great and he damn sure isn’t DeadMau5. He’s an average DJ that has a few good songs here and there, but for some odd reason JAPs fully believe that he is the greatest and most talented musician on planet earth. What you don’t realize is that he crowd surfs and throws a cake into the crowd at every single show, not just the ones he does in front of you. JAPs will go to extremes to make sure they see Aoki when he is performing at a city near them.
The best part is each photo album that includes Aoki is titled “Aokiiiiiiiiiiii” with the only differentiation being whether you decide to use ‘i’ 10 or 11 times. Aoki comes before anything. Final in the morning? Going to see Aoki. First dinner of Passover? Going to see Aoki. Just two years ago, insert Jay Z’s name where Aoki is in this paragraph and you have the same exact trend.
Murray Hill is your Jerusalem, Turtle Bay is your Tel Aviv
I truly don’t know what the hell it is about Murray Hill that attracts every JAP in the east coast area. Even if you don’t live there yourself, you will casually visit one of your friends that does live there a few times a year. The best part is, you all talk sh*t about Murray Hill, while still flocking there in droves. But, you talk sh*t about everything, so Murray Hill isn’t much of an exception.
When you accuse a JAP of living in Murray Hill, she will argue that it’s ‘Gramercy Park’. A two-bedroom apartment with four JAPs sharing it in Murray Hill is the normal, temporary living situation until you finally marry the guy you’ve been dreaming about since your Bat Mitzvah.
If Murray Hill is Jerusalem, then Turtle Bay is Tel Aviv because there isn’t a summer Wednesday you won’t catch a JAP having dollar beers with her besties.
Your second language is Jewish geography
The best part about JAPs is that at some point in their lives their parents sent them to Hebrew school if they didn’t already attend Solomon Schechter or Heschel. The purpose of this is to learn about Judaism, as well as learn the Hebrew language. But I assure you, no JAP knows more than five words of Hebrew after six years of Hebrew school.
Instead, a JAPs second language, after English, is Jewish geography — the new age Hebrew. This is actually how you girls bond, ironically enough. From the first moment you meet each other and exchange names, it goes into four simple questions: Where did you grow up? What school did/do you go to? Where did you go abroad? Do you know (insert any relatively familiar Jewish name here)? And the answer will be ‘yes,’ then that will bridge into mutual friends, and then whether or not you slept with that guy, and then you catch yourself talking about how you both slept with that guy’s cousin during a teen tour an hour later, and it all ends with, “What a small world!” And that is how two JAPs befriend each other.
There is no bonding without Jewish geography. You both find joy in this because the fact that both of you happen to know the same person is so hard to believe that it was only meant for you to one day meet. And that is how and why all JAPs somehow know each other.
Your Gmail password is the summer camp you went to
JAPs live for summer camp like mosquitos live for blood. I remember growing up and seeing Away Messages on AIM consist of a camp name and how much they miss it. Your life revolved around camp growing up and this is something you will never shut up about. And of course your Gmail password, as well as your Facebook password, is the summer camp you went to so that you may never forget the first BJ you ever gave.
You have dated a Persian at some point and regret it to this day
Persian guys are the peanut butter to a JAP’s jelly. For one reason or another, every east coast JAP has found herself in the slimy situation of dating a Persian guy, and I use the word ‘slimy’ because that’s how you describe them after your tenure of riding around in a white Mercedes or BMW, having sleepovers in Great Neck (if he was from north, I pity you), and having to hear about how special they feel after getting their real estate license is over.
Simply put, you love Persians upon first impression because they seem like the perfect guys, they are Jewish and they have money, only you’ll call them gypsies directly after your tumultuous experience.
You went to one of these seven colleges: Indiana U, Syracuse, Boston U, Penn State, Michigan, U Miami, Wisconsin
Some of you venture out to Arizona to be a little bit more original and some of you go to Maryland. But those top 7, collectively, have their own conference: the SDT 7, because you will immediately join SDT upon first arrival to campus. You all hook up with the same guys at school and then call them assh*les, you all go abroad to the same place and call yourself well traveled, and you all keep your sorority paddle to this day.
An Xtreme trip is on the agenda for at least one spring back during your college career and going abroad to Prague, Barcelona or Florence is a requirement if you are a JAP. The best part is you go abroad with your friends from school and come back and call yourself cultured, yet all you did was change scenery.
If your drunk night doesn’t end with a guy, it ends with a pie of pizza
Let’s all be honest, when have we ever seen a JAP go to bed without putting something in her mouth? There‘s only two options: dick or pizza (or on lucky night, both!). Dick will come from the Jewish guy you’ve been texting all week and have already consulted all your friends about. And pizza will come from the local Domino’s or Pizza hut (or Artichoke if you live in the New York City area).
Some of you even put the pizza order in while you’re still at the club, just to ensure it gets there on time. These late-nights consist of you and your friends, sitting in a circle, practically having a pizza eating contest, while constantly asking the question,”You guys, why am I so fat?” (JAP casually grabs another slice).
You find it impossible to go anywhere without 10 people
JAPs love (hate) their friends. You won’t do a single thing without them because of the constant fear of FOMO. You refuse to miss out on anything, which causes you to travel in packs, usually anywhere between 5-10 girls at once. It is an astonishing thought for a JAP to do anything alone, due to several insecurities. Being a part of the pack involves tons of gossiping and thousands of mobile uploads and photo tags on Facebook. 11:30 p.m. on Sunday night is usually D-Day for all JAPs to upload your weekend snaps and to tag 100 people in them.
You also have some sort of weird obsession with your little, you actually favor them more than your biological family. You are also not a real friend unless you take three hours out of your day to make a collage for your little or bestie.
You’ve never done something that wasn’t trendy
Growing up, you had the exact same fashion trends, between wearing Tiffany’s bracelets and necklaces, to your current David Yurman phase. You had the SoLow pants and the UGGs, and who can forget the classic jump from being a BBM whore to the iPhone bandwagon jumper? The oversized glasses to the North Face jackets, JAPs are based off trends. It’s why you all either work at PWC or get your real estate license after college even though you don’t need college to get a real estate license (I know that is a startling revelation).
*This article is a well-intentioned satire written by a Jewish guy, please don’t take offense. We are all laughing together here, not at you (maybe a little).