The 10 Types Of People You’ll Meet At The Gym
There are very few settings on planet Earth that are capable of bringing out the worst in people more than your local gym, training facility, health club or fitness center.
These venues offer a platform for individuals to, well, express and conduct themselves in fashions that one would’ve perceived to be unfathomable prior to purchasing their outrageously over-priced annual membership.
Roughly $60 to operate an elliptical three days a week? Sounds about right. With that said, here are the Top 10 Worst People You’ll See at the Gym Today, in no particular order.
The Cross Fit Enthusiasts
These are the people that when asked if they workout, they say no, and then proceed to pretentiously clarify that they do Cross Fit. These legends all show up at the same time in matching jump-suits and proceed to do sh*t that’s flat-out unnecessary.
They just need to dominate a quarter of the gym and can’t be quiet, either. Between barbells being hurled unnecessarily hard onto the floor to everyone cheering each other on, these people are the worst.
The “Legs Day” Guy
This is the dude who always feels the need to reinforce how sore his legs are from his workout the day before. You never actually see this guy squatting or leg-pressing, but that’s because he only works out legs on your off day — weird coincidence.
Regardless, it doesn’t matter that this guy is built like a f*cking wine glass. All that matters is that he’s “struggling from yesterday.”
The Middle-Aged Smoke Show
This is the only woman at the gym over the age of 30 that can prove there isn’t an age restriction on wearing yoga pants. She often elects to straddle workout benches in an indiscrete sexual fashion, forcing you to think of things like “dead puppies” or “jury duty” in order to mentally stabilize yourself for your next set of curls.
You can tell you’re dealing with “The Middle-Aged Smoke” by monitoring how many pathetically overconfident douchebags in their mid-30s compliment her on her new haircut, which she got two weeks ago.
Spoiler Alert: She married a qualitative analyst six years ago, so if you can’t come up with $300k a year, or at least an evident sense of charisma, you’re better off fishing without a rod.
The Unsubstantiated Personal Trainer
This is the guy who feels the need to give out pointers on how you can potentially elevate your workout efficiency in order to get the “most” out of your workout. He’s also the main reason headphones are the most advantageous device God has ever blessed the human race with.
It’s not as if this guy is a bad person; it’s just everything he says and does is exactly what you aren’t requiring him to say or do. If I’m awkwardly bench-pressing my way to an MCL tear, that’s my problem. No man on earth should have a concern with how another man’s elbows are positioned outside of a public cafeteria.
This is the least aggravating person on this list by far until you’re forced to compete against him. He’s kind of an inspiration in a way. Dude’s roughly 45-60 years of age and still laces up his New Balances every Sunday morning for pick-up basketball.
It doesn’t matter that he’s had two back surgeries and his knees are being held together with duck tape. He’s going to play 1960’s style Caucasian-oriented basketball right in your face and you can’t knock him for that.
The Locker Room Inhabitant
This is the person who seemingly resides in the locker room. You never see this person outside of the weight room or tearing up his ACLs on the stationary bike. The only time this person exerts his or her existence is within the confines of the changing room, the bathroom stalls, the showers, or the sauna.
This person is usually the first gym member you’ll speak to, and more often than not, the last as well. Upon the conclusion of each riveting conversation you experience with this person, a flood of questions flood the walls of you cerebellum. Does that person sleep there? Does he or she pay taxes?
Does that individual play any significant role in regards to societal existence outside of having to be woken up in the steam room every half hour? When he or she leaves the locker room, do they insist that they are “heading out for the night”?
The Desk Girl
The desk girl is almost always the first person you see at the gym. She’s always overly buoyant and optimistic, which is difficult to endure when your primary justification for attending the gym that day is to sweat out that 18-pack you told yourself you were saving for the weekend.
She always has something “new” about the facility to discuss, and more often than not, that breaking news entails that you’ll be paying more money come next membership renewal.
Although it’s clear that the new spa they constructed is something you’ll never even contemplate using, the end result involves adding another zero to your down payment, which leaves you with no option but to bend over and hope that the management fails to conjure up any new expansion projects in the near future.
The Health Physician
This person is incredibly similar to the unsubstantiated personal trainer, but there is a slight difference between the two. While the unsubstantiated personal trainer focuses on your technique regarding physical exertion, the health physician makes sure to enlighten you on all of the incredibly complicated ins and outs regarding the human body’s anatomical make-up.
He or she hasn’t consumed a carb in over a decade and can tell you (word for word) the nutritional content of a cucumber on the drop of a hat. Also, this person will likely implement four of five words that you can’t accurately define per conversation. Don’t panic.
When your hear particular terms, such as “protein synthesis” or “catalytic RNA molecule,” just nod your head and say something along the lines of, “Yeah I know, right? Me too.”
The Zumba Squad
There’s nothing more insufferable to people who don’t do Zumba than, well, the people who do do Zumba. Similar to the consensus of people who fall within the Cross Fit enthusiasts, people who do Zumba don’t consider it a decision; they regard it as a transformation from their former life.
Between the pseudo-pop music and the overzealous ramblings of the instructor, nothing is capable of making you want to tear your ears off more than a Wednesday evening Zumba gathering. The worst part of it all is that Zumba doesn’t end when the class concludes.
The “party” is only beginning. After Zumba, the people who just partook in the cleverly disguised dance class clog the gym corridors and flood the environment with more idiotic discourse over, well, Zumba.
The “Real” You
The final person you’ll encounter at the gym today is the “real” version of yourself, the version that has been stripped of its camouflaged exterior. At the gym, your self-conscious is at its most susceptible state.
If you’re a little on the heavy side, you’ll look like a small shed in comparison to the health physician or the Zumba instructor. If you’re skinny, you’ll appear more Ethiopian than ever when attempting to squat next to the Cross Fit enthusiast or the unsubstantiated personal trainer.
It is times like these when we are deprived of our most utilized defense mechanisms regarding our perceptions of who we really are. Although it’s harsh, you should embrace it because there’s no other place in the world capable of provoking such an accurate display of self-reflection.
Top Photo Credit: The Rock/Twitter
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