The 22 Easiest Ways To Piss Off Every New Yorker
Clearly I had a difficult morning on my commute to work, as I was becoming annoyed with every little thing. I have lived in a variety of places, but none quite like NYC.
There seems to be an unwritten protocol most people follow here, and when someone deviates from that norm, well, you and everyone else around you get pretty irritated.
If I have headphones in and am clearly on a mission, do you really think I’m going to give you directions? Maybe that makes me an assh*le, but it also makes me late for work.
New Yorkers are an especially unique breed of people, which is why not everyone is cut out to live here. You need to come equipped with tough skin because if you don’t, these people will eat you alive.
Here are 22 surefire ways to get on a New Yorker’s bad side:
1. Walking incredibly slow
It’s NYC! Don’t you have a destination? Everyone in this city seems to be on a mission except for you! Pick up the pace; this is absurd.
2. Not knowing where you’re going
I get it: NYC is a big city and can be quite confusing, but let’s be serious; it’s a grid. If you feel the need to check your Google Maps, so be it, but at least move to the side and don’t stand in the middle of the sidewalk.
3. Texting and swerving
This is the most aggravating thing New Yorkers encounter on a daily basis. Your text isn’t so important that you can’t wait until you arrive at your destination to send it.
4. Walking on the wrong side of the subway stairs
Whichever side you are walking on, whether you’re going up or down, you veer to the right. This isn’t a difficult task, whatsoever. I mean, it’s also how we drive.
5. Blocking the walking side of an escalator
If you are going to stand still while riding an escalator — which is perfectly fine, since this is basically what they were created for — stand to the right. If you are going to run up the escalator like a freaking Olympian, you need a clear path, which is what the left side is for. Get it? Good. Moving on…
6. Waiting to get your subway card out when you’re standing at the turnstile
Get your act together! You have so much time to prepare before the actual event of swiping your card. Females who stop and hold up the entire line as they dig through their key chain wallets, stop it!
Get that sh*t prepared as you walk to the subway and make everyone’s day a little more efficient.
7. Stopping on the sidewalk out of nowhere
Just because you suddenly realized you have no idea where the F you are going doesn’t mean the rest of us are in the same boat. You can’t just abruptly stop in the middle of the street and not expect to get knocked into by a trail of people.
8. People holding hands on the sidewalk
First off, NO. Secondly, you are taking up all of the space! The worst is when these people don’t even realize what they’re doing, forcing the rest of us to side step them on the actual street and risking getting plowed into by a taxi.
I’m glad you are seeing the wonderful city of New York for the first time, but I’ve been living here for years. Stop pausing in the middle of the road to take a picture of the Empire State Building, please, and move along.
10. Having city tour signs waved in your face
If I have my headphones in and my head down, do I look like I want to ride a double-decker bus? Also, it’s 8:30 in the morning on a Wednesday; I do not want to climb to the top of the Empire State Building.
11. Taxi drivers who don’t know directions
I’m sorry, but isn’t this your job? Why do I need to whip out my Google Maps to direct you? You already started the meter? SMH…
12. Charging $4 for a mandatory coat check
Mandatory coat check? So, basically, in the winter, your bar can’t sustain itself on sales alone? Got it. We’ll be going elsewhere, thanks.
13. Reading a Kindle/newspaper/book while walking
Seriously? Are you even retaining anything you’re reading? There’s no way.
14. People upstreaming you for a cab
First off, F YOU. I get it, you are only out for yourself, but did you really not see someone else patiently waiting before you?
15. $10 bodega minimum
I’m literally coming in here to buy a chaser and a lighter. That’s $6. I get it, it’s my own fault for not having cash, but let’s be real: Who carries cash these days, anyway? I guess I’ll just buy five packs of gum and hopefully that’ll hit the minimum.
16. The lack of self-awareness mostly everyone has
Do you not realize your huge-ass backpack is resting on my face in the subway? Do you not realize you’re shoving past people and essentially pushing them out of your way? NYC: the place where manners and hospitality go to die.
17. Not moving all the way into the train
I get it, I really do. You don’t want to be squished in the middle, but come on, no one does. Show some humanity and take one for the team. No one enjoys riding the subway, but please don’t be that assh*le who doesn’t follow the line.
18. People performing on subway carts
I had a long, sh*tty day at work. Much like 80 percent of the people on this train, we do not want to hear you banging on trash cans and drumming on a street light.
19. People who don’t clean up after their dogs
Do you not see the sign on every single pole or tree? Curb your dog means clean up after it, not leave it on the sidewalk. Let’s express some common courtesy.
20. Canceling bottomless brunch, then giving it back
Make up your mind! Can we or can we not get obliterated at 2 pm on a Saturday?
21. People not knowing how to properly swipe their Metro card
I remember my first subway ride…
22. Everything about Times Square
Do not ever go here if you don’t have to. This is tourist heaven, a place to be avoided at all costs. All you wanted to do was go to Sephora or the sneaker store, and the next thing you know, you’re getting harassed by Elmo.
Top Photo Credit: Shutterstock
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