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Goodbye, Boyhood: 3 Stages Of Becoming A Mature, Dateable Man

A boy can be two, three, four potential people, but a man is only one. He murders the others. – Mordecai Richler

I have this theory. Men go through three stages throughout their dating life: the nice guy cliché, the assh*le cliché and, eventually, they mature to the third stage.

The stages can last any number of years; think about how many 20-year-olds you see who are still friend-zoned and unable to be seen as a viable sexual option.

For some, greater exposure at any early age will move you along quicker. Think of the jocks at high school who, “for some reason,” got girls again and again, despite the fact that they were known for mistreating them.

Every man in the last stage has gone through the first two. This shouldn't stop you from experiencing the stages. They are important and necessary.

The lessons learned will, without a doubt, be worth the pain you suffer. Growing pains are necessary to reach the third stage: a place where you will connect with girls in almost a fairytale sense. You will find the girl you want — your dream girl — and you will not stand in your own way from getting her.

The three stages are filled with clashes in perception, and every trouble felt through them is due to your views on the world, and the mindset to which you adhere.

You cannot continue to blame other people for your troubles. You will never be happy if you are consistently blaming “girls today” for their lack of value or their infidelity, and you will remain stuck in the early stages.

You can’t reach the third stage until you fix your own perception so that interactions are simple, and the dating world seems to answer your demands unconsciously.

The more aware you are of the stages, the better you can navigate them; you will learn more from your mistakes, and you will learn them quicker.

We've all heard about how it seems that “douchebags” always get the girl. Frustrated young men often say, “I might as well just start being a complete assh*le because it's going to get me further than what I'm doing now.”

Unfortunately, they're right; they will get more girls. They will have girls hanging around them by being selfish, offensive and emotionally distant.

It's a temporary high, but it's not healthy, and they will not remain happy. This stage, however, is necessary for all men to mature and be capable of creating and maintaining a lifelong relationship.

For some it's a short phase, and it quickly and instinctually gets passed through in their youth. Other men spend a lifetime trying to escape the first stage because they don't know what the problem is or how to solve it.

The First Stage

Your mom raised you well. You open every door; you tell girls how you're feeling; you tell them the truth, and you do whatever you can to make her happy.

You make your intentions clear, and if she doesn't agree, you try to make it work, regardless. You are, in common terms, the nice guy. You aren't a nice guy, you are the nice guy. Your kindness does not affect this title, your lack of spine does.

There is a very clear distinction here between kindness and niceness. Kindness is a value; niceness is a reaction to others.

When you are nice to others because of what your mom taught you, because it’s what society taught you to do, or because you think being nice is the means to your goal, you will fail.

You are not nice, you are being nice in reaction to your surroundings. And, this small, but significant difference is, in reality, the difference between the first and third stages.

The second stage consists of the experiences that will transform this lifestyle. You are consistently run over by women, and this affects not only your relationship with women, but also with people in general.

You are not confident in yourself; you placate to others and you struggle. You are beaten down often, betrayed, disappointed and you feel lost. You are cheated on, disrespected and you reach a point where you cannot take it anymore.

You then ask yourself the question we began with: Should I just become an assh*le?

A man does as he chooses; a boy does as he should. – Unknown

Second Stage

After a few bad relationships where you were taken advantage of, you finally get fed up. You're tired of being hurt, and you become jaded, even disgusted, with girls. They've all lied to you, cheated on you, and you've heard so many bad stories, you think they're all bad people.

You see guys around you with no respect for girls, and you wonder if you should do the same.

How many times have you heard a girl say, “He's a dick. He cheated on me. He never pays for me when we go out, he never pays attention me, he's always flirting with other girls,” only to see that same girl spend years in an on-again, off-again relationship with the same guy? You probably lost count.

You decided here to change your life; some of it happens unconsciously and some of it happens by choice. You start disrespecting women. You become mean, and you don't pay them any positive attention, and now, they're all over you.

It seems like every woman is in your control. You don't care about them, and that just makes them crave you more. It seems as if every woman falls into you, and you're blind to the fact that these are only “sluts.”

The reason being a “douchebag” works is because you appear 100 percent confident in your ways, and girls are in awe of the things you say because you say what's on your mind without any regret or remorse. This is what a confident man does, except he says what he believes and thinks, instead of what will get him laid.

After a period of time in the second stage, you realize why you failed stage one.

He wasn't living for himself; he was placating to others. He wasn't confident; he wasn't kind; he wasn't respectful. He was just acting out the role of the “gentlemen” in hopes of faking his way into the heart of the princess.

However, you eventually grow to resent the man the second stage has turned you into, and you let the universe know you're ready to hit stage three. It respectfully accepts your desires and brings upon you a healthy and wealthy dating life.

Third Stage

Enter the last stage; you realize why being a douchebag works. You become more confident and more mature while realizing that the girls you spend time with are no longer who you want.

You began as a man following your mother's advice and you realize these girls, and your relationships with them, are not ones of which your mother would approve. Don't get me wrong; you don't live for her, but you trust and believe the values she instilled in you because you agree with them.

You transform from a nice guy to a gentlemen. You are kind, mature and confident; you hold doors open for women; you pay for their meals, and you treat them right, given that they deserve it.

You can finally be who you want to be — a nice guy — because you choose to be.

You are at ease in any social circumstance because your core is unshakable; it's a product of your own design and approval. You are not living for anyone but yourself, and you are the man you truly want to be.

As a result, your relationships with all women improve; they can sense a value system molded by fire running within you. You treat them with respect, and they feel good around you, but they realize it's not because you're forcing it or following directions. You're following your own path.

All of a sudden, you're impossible to resist.

Your outer character reflects your inner strength, and you cannot be shaken. You provide a foundation of strength for all who come in contact with you, a sense of security that leaves people clawing for your attention.

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Berk Turfanda

Contributor

Berk is a proud UCSB Alumni and current USC graduate student with an interest in history, philosophy, self-improvement, beer, and sports. Berk is a big advocate of Stoicism, dedicated self-awareness & improvement, Arsenal and the Chargers.
Berk is a proud UCSB Alumni and current USC graduate student with an interest in history, philosophy, self-improvement, beer, and sports. Berk is a big advocate of Stoicism, dedicated self-awareness & improvement, Arsenal and the Chargers.

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