I’d Rather Be In Bed: 30 Things Only Chronically Tired People Understand
Regardless if it's clinical status or not, dealing with chronic fatigue makes you exhausted. And you're fully aware of how that sounds.
Between fighting to keep your eyes open at 3 pm or snoozing the alarm clock every morning, the struggle to stay awake is real.
Your mortal enemy is the overly-chipper girl who bounces into work at 8 am, having already worked out, bounce-walked her stupid dog and freshly prepared an entire maple syrup french toast breakfast for herself and her boyfriend.
What is this bitch on and where can we get some?
Forget about bedside reading, just opening a book puts you to sleep. You always answer, “How are you?” with an all-too honest, “I'm really tired.”
People say the Disney character you resemble most is Sleeping Beauty. And your spirit animal is the koala, which sleeps 20-22 hours a day.
You better not be yawning right now. Here are the 30 things that only chronically tired people understand.
1. You've never seen the end of a movie
Staying awake for the entire duration of a movie is harder than finishing writing this article. You've got all the components of a makeshift bedroom: the lights are off, the seats recline, the theater is in absolute silence and there are snack crumbs all over you.
Seriously, how are you not supposed to pass out?
2. There is a permanent dent in your bed
From lying in it so often, duh. And it's not even a Tempur Pedic.
3. Sometimes you're so tired, you don't have the energy to speak at dinner
You just let your eyes do the talking. Too bad they're closed.
4. You fall asleep on the couch because you're too lethargic to walk to your bedroom
This happens when you're sober way too often. And then you wake up at a ridiculous hour not knowing how you got there and are still too tired to do anything about it.
5. You've woken up with keyboard imprints on your face
You consider falling asleep while working on your computer one of your biggest talents. That blue light might mess up some other people's REM cycles, but not yours.
6. The only shots you take on weekends are of Dayquil
You have no problem falling alseep; it's the stay-awake-through-brunch part that becomes complicated. Dayquil is your version of life support.
7. You've come close to passing out in the shower
Every second you spend not being horizontal feels like a workout. Sometimes, you just stand there letting the water wash your body because you've completely zoned out.
8. You go into hibernation from November to March
Remember when you used to go to the gym after work? (Wait, no you don't…) When it turns dark at 6 pm, all bets are off.
9. You'd rather stay in on Friday night than go out
Blacking out takes on a whole new meaning.
10. You don't drink wine
It makes you way too drowsy. And if there's any chance of you watching the season premiere of “Scandal” at its new 10 pm timeslot, you're going to have to pass on sharing a glass with Olivia Pope.
11. The only thing you can rely on in your life is hitting the snooze button
Your alarm clock is a daily reminder that Satan does exist in the form of an electronic tune. The only thing worse than hearing that chime at 6:30 am is hearing it as someone else's ringtone during the day. It haunts you.
12. Feeling like you have chronic mono
You have all the symptoms: getting out of bed is difficult, you're constantly drained of energy and the thought of existing in a wakeful state for more than six hours makes you feverish. Except no one is getting skinnier.
13. Quick shuteyes turn into day-long naps
Your weekend is basically one long nap, too. Naps are kind of like french fries — there's never a time you don't want them.
14. Waking up tired after a full nine hours
You frequently can be overheard complaining about not having slept in ages. Despite snoozing for the better part of your existence, you could still nap whenever.
15. You get jealous of your cat
How come Mittens gets to lie in the apartment all day, licking himself into a slumber? Life isn't fair. Waaah.
16. Converting oxygen to carbon dioxide exhausts you
Sleeping and respiring are your primary forms of exercise. Your body is still working while you're dreaming, right?
17. Your REM cycle is more important than your paycheck cycle
You can get by without much money; you can't get by without much sleep. And you look forward to a decent night's rest way more than you look forward to every other Friday, when you're reminded of how poor you are.
18. Your version of popping bottles is guzzling 5-Hour Energy
As if you could stay up late enough to pop anything else besides caffeine pills? Your 5-Hour Energy is more like an hour of feeling like you can do anything and then crashing hard during the remaining four. Good luck studying for finals!
19. You always opt to take a cab
Even if it's merely a block away, you're just way too exhausted to walk there. #TiredRichPeopleProblems.
20. You have exactly two best friends: pillow and blanket
They've seen you naked. They let you cry into their sleeves. They are always there for a good cuddle sesh.
They're around during your most intimate moments. And they never fail to deliver exactly what you want — a good night's rest.
21. Your bags have bags
The amount of baggage that you're carrying around is greater than Amanda Bynes on vacation with her daddy issues.
22. You can sleep through anything
In fact, you HAVE, including: your flight, your 10 am class, your sister's graduation, your workday and the time the smoke alarm went off. That last one still burns.
23. Finishing your fourth cup of coffee and not understanding why you're still tired
“Honestly, I don't get this at all. WTF! Isn't caffeine supposed to make you more awake? All this consumption is making me tired. Eff this, I'm going to bed.”
24. Your favorite time of year is the nap you take after Thanksgiving
You're a fan of tripping off tryptophan.
25. You're tired by 3 pm
…But then again, who isn't over the age of 25?
26. You can rationalize anything to stay in bed
“I'm not trying to risk catching Ebola, I should stay home and rest.” “I don't need to be at work for another 10 minutes. I can definitely sleep for 7 more.” “It's too cold out to put on clothes.”
(…Uh, all the more reason you should?)
27. You force yourself to wake up only to get back into bed
Aww, you were really trying to hit the gym early? Who are you kidding? Get back in there!
28. You refuse to schedule anything before 11 am
There is zero chance you would be there on time, and on the off-chance that you did show up, you’d be a cranky, miserable curmudgeon.
29. You get anxiety when you stay out late on weeknight
WHEN WILL I MAKE UP FOR THESE LOST FOUR HOURS OF SLEEP?!
30. Even your dreams are tired of you
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