So you’ve met someone. Things are moving so swiftly and easily, pulling you effortlessly like the current of a river. All signs and feelings aside, DO NOT be fooled into thinking that this is your fairytale ending. You could be dealing with a needy train wreck; so before navigating in any direction and riding off into the sunset, it’s critical to get to the root of the other person’s feelings and intentions… before it’s too late.
Both males and females need to throw caution to the wind with a new love interest and determine whether you are another passing whale for them to stick to like a barnacle, or if the feelings between you two are real, fiery and passionate. Some needy people are professionals at making you feel comfortable right away, as they are masters at transforming into somebody they think you would like. Given their perfect personality, the beginning of your budding relationship seems unnaturally smooth, too good to be true- well duh, because it is.
When you finally get a glimpse of who this person really is and what they want- or should I say need- it’s a pivotal moment, and you realize this is not what you signed up for. From here on out, the situation is stressful on both ends. It is best to recognize that you are on a sinking ship as soon as possible- not just for your sake, but also for theirs.
Time and time again, I have seen friends serial date, frantically seek approval from the opposite sex, and then jump at the very first opportunity to become romantically involved. They consistently adhere to the phrase “when one door closes, another opens’, and it defines their love life. This behavior became ingrained in their character, never allowing them to learn how to stand up and walk on their own.
This is a fragile condition, and by knowing the signs, you can avoid a sticky situation and prevent yourself from hurting any crazed fans. Keep your personal relationship history litter-free, and maybe lend support to a friend in need until they finally learn how to walk without their arm intertwined in another’s, with two feet instead of four.
For desperate women, provocative dress tends to be a screech for attention. Typically, leaving the house scantily clad is a means of raising awareness. Yes, we see you. It’s okay to be sexy, but it is not necessary to display every crevice, crack and cleavage on your body. All the fruit is laid out on the table in hopes of attracting… well, anyone, really. Everything is done in excess: from the oompa-loompa amount of bronzer, to the raccoon eyes, to the layers and layers of sticky, sparkly lip gloss.
If you get lucky, you may see a fake eyelash dangling off at the corner. Anything that gives us the notion that this person puts in extensive effort to be anybody but him or herself. HOWEVER, keep in mind that these generalizations cannot be applied to all women. For some, it is characteristic to wear minimal fabric or have a passion for applying loads of makeup, and this is not to be confused with desperation.
They have never adjusted their wardrobe or appearance in an attempt to please and attract the opposite sex, or anybody else for that matter. It is solely self-appreciating and they present themselves with confidence.
With men, a preliminary signal is when you catch a whiff of him from across the room, probably doused in cologne similar to the likes of Sex Panther or maybe even Axe. This is what desperation smells like. Don’t get me wrong; when men are covered in delightful aromas, I go weak at the knees to say the least.
But there is a difference between how much should be lathered on and whether the smell burns or pleases the nostrils. Additionally, an overly eager guy blatantly tries too hard on his outfit. He may be identified as a poser, and usually, you can sense that his attire is conflicting with his personality.
There is a crucial concept regarding appearance that a needy individual should understand when learning how to walk on their own again: Instead of dressing to impress and fit an image that you think another guy/girl might like, wear what you feel beautiful in; something you bought because you undeniably found the item glorious, not because somebody else crossed your mind when you saw it at the store.
And not just because everyone else has it and you want to fill a certain role. Confidence is the most attractive accessory, and wearing what you love and being comfortable in it is the only way to adorn yourself with this embellishment.
This brings us to the next symptom of desperation. The already sub-par standards someone has for a partner unravel further. Reflecting back on their dating history, you begin to realize they never had a ‘type’ of girl or guy. And no matter how amazing of a person this individual might actually be- attractive, smart, fun, etc.- it hasn’t yet dawned on them that they can do better.
If they were patient and had more self- respect, they wouldn’t aim to settle right away, they might be able to choose. Regardless, they are blind to their own ignorance and instead begin falling in love with the first person extending a sweet gesture or glimmer of interest.
Maybe there was an initial spark and conversation flowed like Champagne on New Year’s when your despairing friend met somebody. Suddenly your eager friend becomes slightly delusional, taking mundane details and seeing ‘signs’ pertaining to the fact that this is the one. Already envisioning long walks on the beach and fantasizing about their future together, they are convinced that the relationship means more than it does in actuality.
Recently, a female friend came over and excitedly exclaimed, “OMG guess who I have a thing with?!” After hearing the victim’s name, I replied, “great, how long have you guys been hanging out?” to find out that after sending the boy a random Facebook message two days ago, they had merely texted each other sporadically for the last day and a half. As this individual’s friend, it is important not to hurt their feelings and it is not always appropriate to bestow your beliefs upon them, either.
Still, please do not contribute to their lunacy and lead them on. Listen patiently so that they can get it all out instead of keeping everything trapped inside their head, where facts are more likely to become distorted. If need be, discreetly plant seeds in their mind that will help their independence take root and sprout.
Once this desperate individual thinks they have hooked somebody, the frantic behavior proliferates. Here comes the barrage of calls and texts, and your friend goes beyond being a creeper all the way to being a creepist- one who excels in the art of creeping. They are in a frenzy to find their new love, arranging ‘accidental’ encounters when hanging out doesn’t seem to work out as much as they would like.
Always available and eager to please, the needy being wants the entirety of what you want. You are always right, they agree with everything; wow you have so much in common! Watch as they constantly seek approval and begin to fish for compliments to affirm that they are appreciated. The needy lover turns from easygoing to exhausting very quickly.
If their prey hasn’t run away by this point and is still amused, the following progression of events sucks the unfortunate soul in like quicksand. The frantic partner drops their own circle of friends, and super-glues him or herself to yours instead. This means that you are responsible for their entertainment and they can’t have fun without you. They drop their priorities and want to be with you 24/7, getting extremely distraught when you are not around.
As time progresses and this unhealthy behavior continues, the needy one can no longer do things alone, resembling a lost baby duckling. They want to meet the parents, and talk about the future in far more detail than is appropriate, thinking that this way, it will be even tougher for you to leave.
Finally, paranoia takes over in the form of an overwhelming fear that they are about to get dumped. The individual complains that they are not getting enough attention, and heaven forbid that you are ever unavailable. These fears and illusions, among other things, make them territorial. Both parties in the ‘relationship’ are suffering and the frantic circumstances contribute to the complexity of finding a way out.
This is why it is imperative to recognize what you are getting into before it gets too deep. By recognizing the signs, you can make your exit at step one, instead of allowing it to play out until the bitter end. You are too occupied making strides in your career & lifestyle to waste time untangling yourself from a needy persons web.
Laura Joj | Elite.