Disney Princesses Didn’t F*ck Me Up

Disney Princesses Didn’t F*ck Me Up
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So I’ve been hearing a lot lately about how f*cked up I am because of my Disney Princess upbringing. Apparently I have unrealistic life and love expectations from these films, that have irrevocably screwed up every facet of how I intuit men and the world. And I’m all like, bitch what movies were you watching?

Happily ever after is not what I remember.

Pocahontas taught me to cliff dive. Bitch was craycray. She didn’t hesitate to venture off into the forest by herself with a f*cking racoon in one hand, finding and meeting strangers under the blessing of a wise ass tree.

She didn’t give a f*ck about her father’s outdated expectations or her best friend’s condescending eyebrow raise. And in the end, did she sail off with John Smith? Nah — she was like peace bro, on to the the next one. The age old f*ck and chuck. She had enough of John Smith’s riverbend; she was ready to Koco-cum.

Snow White f*cked like a mormon with the priorities of Jay-Z. 99 problems and bitches were all of them. She lived with seven men…and they were all waist high — the perfect height. She even trained their asses to clean up after themselves, sending them to the mine everyday — BITCH GET ME DIAMONDS.

She was in a deep sleep when some fine ass prince was all like BOOTY CALL. This diva don’t get out of bed for less than a dimepiece. Who’s gonna deny a ride on that pony? Don’t hate the player…

Cinderella, can you really blame a player for a foot fetish?

Jasmine took her man on a magic carpet ride. TELL ME YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS. She allowed a mere pauper into her palace and even gave him the honor of being her sex slave. Let me tell you, there was no shortage of monkey business. And more than one mouth got stuffed. For all we know this badass’ only friend was a tiger who answered explicitly to her command — pussy power.

She charmed the pants off Jafar who, subsequently, wore a dress. Meanwhile, she was all like I’m gonna wear the bloomers up in this bitch, and f*ck real shirts for shits and giggles. Prince Ali get at me.

You can show me the world anytime you like…and more than a genie will come out after I’m done rubbing your lamp. But when I’m done you might just be banished to ‘the ends of the earth.’ A risk I’m willing to take.

Mulan gave up skirts for spears. She was like a boy way before Ciara tried to make her way out of the matrix. Ain’t nothing stop this chick from playing with the ballers, shot callers, brawlers.

She suited up and became a warrior to protect her own father. And suited down in multiple naughty, naked situations. Bathing with three men? Check. Conveniently placed chest wound? Can I have a volunteer to pinch my nipples while this guy patches me up?

Add that to befriending a dragon and chopping her hair off with a sword. I don’t think she was waiting for a pretty prince to sweep her off her combat boots.

Ariel’s prospects weren’t looking too great in the merworld. She decided to ditch the scales and spark a deal with that bad mamma jamma just to feel the joys of spreading her legs. Where was her clit? You can’t expect a bitch to be happy with her circumstances when all the magic sticks were landlocked.

She saw the benefits of walking (not to mention the chance to bump and grind on the ballroom dance floor). Evolution. Survival of the fittest/footest. How many mermaids are around today? She called bullshit when she foresaw the extinction of her species.

Kiss the Girl Under the Sea, I’m feeling the veiled references to cunnilingus. Ain’t no king bring her down, she wanted to find out if the carpet matched her drapes. PEACE — all y’all chill down here I’ma be getting my groove on.


Belle’s got all the men in town wrapped around her finger. And she used that same finger to flip all those plebeians the bird. “I’ma read I’ma read I’ma read” she sang through the streets. F*ck bonjour — au revoir street urchin. Belle from the block just moved into a castle. She may have fallen for a but-his-face but you know what they say about big hands…Le WIN.

In conclusion: The story is in the eye of the beholder. And if you choose to behold these princesses as classic archetypes of impotency — so be it. But don’t beholding me to the same standard. These badass bitches were protagonists. They did shit. They were princesses beyond the malaise of purported gender boundaries, and never once taught me that marriage was my endgame.

The Disney princesses were more than just catalysts to our independent womanhood. These badass bitches taught us to replace our shirts with seashells and dive at the unknown into the colors of the wind. They talked to animals, explored wild forests, fought, won and balled out on the regular.

Sure these damsels were distressed from time to time, but can’t nobody deny their determination to find happily ever against all odd situations, including but not limited to taming wildlife and befriending danger.

So shut the f*ck up about my unrealistic expectations for Prince Charming. That motherf*cker looks boring as shit.

Kgazm & Spicy | Elite.

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Kgazm is an advocate for the equal opportunity orgasm. She is the persona of a woman who knows what she wants. Her writing specializes in eviscerating the double standard, one article at a time.

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