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Top 10 Things You DON'T Need To Do Before You Die

There are many moronic things we weakly tolerate as our metric for manhood that often end up in a person's bucket list. But why assimilate to the general population's will? Not everything is right for you, and you certainly do not need to accomplish certain things before you die.

Here are the Top 10 things that the Elite man does NOT have to do before he dies:

1. Have sex on a plane 

I have never had sex on an airplane, and I have come to the realization that I am going to be okay if I never do. If I find out I have a rare blood disorder that will kill me in four days, I am not going to sit around wishing I had bent some woman over the sink 30,000 feet above Kansas City (Well, depending on how she looks, maybe I would).

Sex in public places is fun, but it is uncomfortable enough to even sit on an airplane, let alone play make-shift Twister in a 4 x 4 closet-sized bathroom near a vacuum-flush toilet.

Also, think about how pedestrian the Mile High Club really is. A spur of the moment encounter is always exhilarating, but being expected to have sex on a commercial jetliner takes the fun out of it – especially if you are one of those guys who is coaxing your girlfriend into the lavatory only to avoid being the loser the next time someone asks you, “Are in the Mile High Club?”

This day in age – post 9/11 – the consequences associated with having sex on a plane are not worth enduring if the probable outcome is a tazer to the chest by a federal air marshal, getting arrested after a forced landing, and a spot on the no-fly-list.

2. Come to terms with your uglier emotions & tendencies, like anger or lying

Everyone lies. We do not feel bad about this and you should not either. Lying is an inherent part of human interaction. It allows you to show interest when you do not care, to flatter just to make someone feel better, to express gratitude just to be respectful, etc. All of which are not only necessarily right, but allow for good outcomes.

For example, if you gave someone a birthday present, and that person does not like it, we would rather they smiled and kept their dissatisfaction to themselves. It is the people who will not or cannot bring themselves to lie that you really have to watch out for.

As for anger, that is another much-needed emotion in the game of business. Sometimes yelling and screaming are necessary to motivate or to get a point across to your team. Maybe you have been pushed the wrong way one time too many times and you need to make it clear that it cannot happen again.

Anger is often times justifiable. Forget the self-help books and Buddhist monk mentality that people have – for some reason – embraced that tell you to cut off these negatively-associated emotions and tendencies.

3. Tame a wild animal 

Nothing good comes from domesticating a wild animal. People always say you have to ride a horse bareback, on a beach, with your long hair flowing behind you, naked, before you die. But you do not have to do that. We would say that there are a litany of things you should do naked, and riding a horse is at the top of the list. If you are a man, you should not even walk around naked.

If you are a woman, you win. Although, for women who think men are whiners, try having your mammary glands swinging between your legs and then we will talk. Walking naked for a man and the pain of a misstep is tricky enough. Jogging naked can give you a headache very quickly. Now imagine riding a horseback naked. If you do not see the potential damage for a man, we cannot help you. So, if you have ever had the desire to ride a horse – especially naked – get off of this site.

4. Grow a mustache, get a mohawk, etc.

Irony has its limits, especially when your physical appearance is negatively affected for weeks at a time and your first impression always turns people away. And when irony takes the form of bushy hair that grows on your upper lip, it fast become a nuisance to those around you.

There is also the shame you feel when you see an old girlfriend or colleague. That persistent urge to inform every new person you meet that, hey, you know, the mustache – it is really just a joke. After a few weeks, it is not the mustache that you loathe, it will be yourself. Silly, vain, unfuckable you.

As for the Mohawk, people think this stands for defiance or rebellion. Maybe once it did, but not in 2012. Now it stands for defeat. Be a winner, not a loser – erase the Mohawk and mustache from your bucket list.

5. Remember which state is Montana

When you were little, teachers spent half the time making you memorize the 50 states and capitals. Most of us still cannot fill in a blank map of the United States. Many tell themselves that one day they will master geography and be able to point out Montana, Missouri or South Dakota on a map.

Do not waste your time. Once you get older you realize that all 50 states are not equally important. In fact, you could get by in life just knowing the East and West coast states. If you are an Elite man, then you have realized that there are only a couple of cities that have either a cultural or economical significance and the ones you cannot name have no significance in any way.

6. Videotape yourself having sex

So you want to join the classy ranks of people like Tommy Lee, Paris Hilton and Colin Farrell? Hold up. Did you ever stare at a television and blurt out, “Why would the Nazis film their atrocities?” or “Why didn't Nixon just burn those tapes?” Do you see a pattern here?

You are probably thinking that the production outcome will be at least at the level of a third-rate porn. Wrong. Your videotape will have no zooms, no pans and no movement whatsoever. Have you ever been turned on by a convenience-store surveillance video? That is what you about to embark on your video taped journey with, and you are nude.

So if it gets out, your reputation will be ruined in pixilated infamy.

7. Sleep With A Hilton Sister

 

8. Take a year off

After that year ends, you will literally be trying to catch up for the rest of your life. Unless you are 100% completely established with nothing more to accomplish, you should never want to take a year off. But if you do, remember that the competition is just one step behind at all times. If you take a year off, you are only conceding the lead to them and passing up on your lifelong success.

 

9. Drop acid

Can you say overrated? there are just as many bad trips as good ones, and most often you will experience both at once. Do not feel like this is something that you must do before you die. It will not change your life for the better, it will most likely destroy it for the rest of your existence.

 

10. Gaze upon the ruins of Pompeii

Traveling to different continents to see the wonders of the world in person is a concept that emerged before the invention of the Internet. Now, with one click, you can see the Ruins of Pompeii and the Great Wall of China better than any possible way you could experience these sites in person.

Have you ever spent a week in Pompeii? If you go, you will not experience one minute of fine culture. Expect waiting in line for hours to see a single historical artifact. And once you see it you will think to yourself, “I don't get it”.  Actually, no one gets it; they only pretend to.

However, this is what you will remember about Pompeii: dogs. There are big, stray dogs everywhere. With overgrown coats and gnarly premolars, you will not want to take one of these canines home. You will also remember the transvestite hooker who humped wildly in hotel parking lots. No Elite man needs to see a transvestite hooker humping wildly in their parking lot.

Elite. 

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Ryan Babikian

Contributor

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