Call me a curmudgeon, but I fail to see the appeal in going out these days, especially when everything I enjoy is contained within the confines of the glorious haven that is my apartment.
Going out is expensive. Seeing people is downright tiring. Putting on pants is a hassle.
Don’t even pretend you haven’t thought about this before.
Why would I venture outdoors when there’s a cabinet full of delicious snacks and a Netflix queue within arm’s reach? I like the characters from my shows more than most people, so why should I go out when they're only a click away?
I'm finished apologizing for not wanting to go out, take shots and dance. I want to remain in my sanctuary. Get over it. Stop listening to what people say you should be doing. If staying in makes you happy, stay in. I know I sure will.
Here are 11 reasons why I'd rather stay in and watch my shows than go out.
1. The guys in my shows will always be hotter than guys in real life.
I can say with near certainty that the men in my shows are much more charming than any guy I'm going to meet ~out~ tonight. I just don't see the point of getting dolled up, going to a dive and likely going home empty-handed and disappointed. If I stay in and watch my shows, I can hang out with my favorite band of merry gentlemen. I'm assured that I will have a good time.
2. My bed is far superior to any bar.
My bed is a little slice of heaven. It is like sitting in a hug. Bars are dirty, loud and poorly ventilated. Parties are full of people I don't like (Read: all people). I don't understand why we subject ourselves to these types of social gatherings. I would much rather put on my favorite television show and hang out with my favorite person, me.
3. The snacks from my fridge are free.
You know what isn't free? The moz sticks I will undoubtedly devour at 3 am if I go out tonight. I'd much rather hunker down in my apartment and guzzle an entire pack of peanut butter-dipped Oreos while watching the season finale of “How To Get Away With Murder.” If I go out, I will be forced to shell out $5 for a slice of pizza after one too many pitchers of PBR, all followed by an expensive Uber ride home. Count me out.
4. No pants, no problem.
I have an aversion to pants. If I can avoid wearing them, I will. But society has a problem with this. Apparently it isn't okay for me to wander the streets in my pajamas. People don't like it.
But no one will judge me for wearing only a bathrobe if I never leave my house. Plain and simple.
5. Being wrapped in blankets sounds a lot better than being wrapped up in your drama.
As the old saying goes, "Blankets are good; drama is bad." Is that the saying? I don't know, but I’m going to use it anyway.
Why would I deal with your boring issues when I can watch way hotter drama on my computer screen? If I go out, I have to leave the warm and cozy nest I've built in my bed. I like to be a quiet observer of ridiculous antics, not involved in them.
6. I'd rather watch another episode than have another drink.
A hangover in your late twenties is a completely different animal than a hangover in your early twenties. I can't even handle being hungover anymore. One more episode when it's already 2 am might be ill-advised, but another drink at 2 am will lead to yet another poor, disastrous and painful decision.
7. Going out takes energy, staying in takes none.
The only energy required to stay in resides in your pointer finger. You just need to press "Next episode" on your Netflix binge, and you're set. Going out just sounds so utterly exhausting. Getting squeezed on a dance floor by a bunch of sweaty people who spill their well drinks on my shoes seems like a nightmare. Sorry, not sorry.
8. The only people I want to listen to are Claire and Frank Underwood, so bye.
I don't want to chitchat. I don't want to pretend like I care what random strangers tell me. The dialogue on my shows is so much more intriguing than the idle conversations I might have IRL. My life will never be as exciting as that of Walter White, and that's fine with me.
9. I don't have to share my cheap bottle of wine with anyone.
Call me old fashioned (LOL) but I don't want to share my wine. That's the way it is. If I stay in bed and watch my shows, the wine is all mine. It may have only cost $8, but it was MY $8. MY WINE!
10. The only time Netflix is passive aggressive is when it asks if I'm "still watching" Parks and Rec.
People are the worst with their passive aggressive nonsense. Netflix will never do that to you. The only real hint it gives is when it asks if you’re "still watching" your show. I'm still watching, Netflix. I’m still watching.
11. If I get sick of a show, I can turn it off. What happens when I get sick of you?
I feel like that pretty much sums it up. Binge on, my friends!
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