10 Shows You'll Probably See On Trump TV That Won't Make Cable Great Again
And there's actual evidence mounting to support this conspiracy theory.
As Sarah Ellison from Vanity Fair explained in June:
Trump is indeed considering creating his own media business, built on the audience that has supported him thus far in his bid to become the next president of the United States.
And it would actually be a great business move. In the past couple of years, he has collected the most loyal and diehard viewer base any TV investor could ask for.
If Trump loses this election, there's a legitimate chance this is his next move.
So, I've decided to take a few educated guesses about what sort of shows Trump would air on Trump TV.
(Trump, if you or your people are reading this, feel free to use any of these ideas — I'm only here to help.)
1. “Who Wants To Be A Billionaire?” (8-9 pm)
This show will be exactly like “Who Wants To Be A Millionaire,” but the contestants will only consist of people who are already millionaires.
2. “THE. NEWS.” (5-8 pm)
This will consist of anchors explaining what probably happened that day. Every episode will be taped months in advance and will bear titles, such as “Mexicans Still Suck,” and “Who Cares About Bad Things?” and “ISIS, Is It REALLY An Acronym?”
3. “DOG FIGHTING” (4-7 am)
Piggy-backing off the success of beloved programming like “Puppy Tube” and UFC, Donald will capitalize on America's deep love for both adorable dogs and brutal, harrowing bloodlust.
4. “The Bachelor” (9-10 pm)
Donald Trump is put in a house with 30 young, beautiful women who all compete for his affection. Each season, Ivanka wins.
She is given an orange rose.
5. “Survivor: America” (8-9 pm)
This show will be like the regular “Survivor,” but instead of being stranded on an island performing challenges, it will be a documentary about people with terrible illnesses and no access to health insurance.
Whoever lasts the longest without passing away will be allowed the basic human rights afforded to the upper echelon of this country's caste system.
6. “The Amazing Race” (5-6 pm)
This show will just be a docu-series about how great white people are.
It will be the most watched program on Trump TV.
7. A daily selection from Donald Trump's personal porn stash (7-9 am)
Each day, a team will curate a collection of pornographic films and images from Donald Trump's personal porn cellar.
Commentary will be done by Trump himself, who will describe how he acquired each tape. He will also describe how many times it has assisted his mostly functional genitalia to male orgasm.
This show will air during the average American's breakfast time, so they can face the day with energy and zest.
8. His scene from “Home Alone 2” on repeat (10-11 am)
This will play Donald Trump's scene from “Home Alone 2” on repeat for 55 minutes straight.
Then it will air five minutes of a silent back screen, so you may focus on committing the scene forever to memory.
9. “The Donald Trump Roast!” (11 pm-12 am)
This is not, as some assume, a roast of Donald Trump.
Rather, it's a TV show where Donald Trump is videotaped insulting and berating other people in front of a crowd of cheering and bloodthirsty white high school lacrosse players.
10. “FACTBUSTERS” (9 am-12 pm)
Here, Trump and a team of expert pundits disprove indisputable facts simply by proclaiming they aren't true enough times.
If that's ineffective, Trump will be called to set so he can utter the word “ISIS.”
Many of these shows are still in the planning stages, but come November, let's hope we get to see them!
Because if we don't, well, then we'll have elected him president.
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