Students across the world have eagerly settled back into their dorms for yet another year of high hopes and big dreams during their college experience. As many times as you’ve seen Old School or any other fictional piece depicting collegiate life, your chances of reaching these expectations are in fact a possibility, but the steps to get to this point aren’t laid out in front of you on your dorm room desk.
The truth of the matter is that you’re surrounded by a handful of kids you can tolerate and thousands you cannot stand. It’s okay to be honest with yourself. From the endless pedestrian nights of $1 beers and terrible sex with college girls, your experience will most likely be so-so. If you’ve almost considered yourself otherwise, than guess what?! That’s because this is actually the pinnacle of your life, and for that we feel compelled to help you.
It’s syllabus week… month… year
Syllabi are always intimidating in some way because they tend to make you question the overall tone of the class you picked. Your professor has handed you a usually neatly outlined packet that is supposed to include all the guidelines you need to follow to not fall behind. What the professor won’t tell you on the first day is that the syllabus changes. The homework, list of penalties for disobedience and overall rules and regulations for pleasing your superior will fluctuate throughout the year, so do not take this packet too seriously.
Instead, take it one day at a time. This will always prevent the course load from seeming threatening. Ignore everything but what it says needs to be done for the next class, since by now it’s safe to say you know the basic rules of how to behave and treat people in a college classroom. If you’re confused on what’s due next time, just ask. Remember that the syllabus is only really reliable for one thing, and that’s so you can tell everyone all the crap you’re going to have to eventually read throughout the semester.
The attractiveness of your peers is at it’s yearly peak
Beautiful young women line your campus courtyards and grottoes donning their freshly tanned and toned bodies from their summer exploits back at home. This is your 2 week window to find the most eagerness and friendliness in the opposite sex surrounding you. Like all good things in life the novelty wears off after a few short days, and one must take advantage of the collective need to use hanging out with hot people to wean themselves back into the rhythm of going out and partying more often.
God knows looks will fade in the next coming weeks and months as your favorite sorority girls begin to inject themselves with chicken strips and french fries after an all night 10-beer bender. The calories involved with this nightly ritual would make even the most grandiose sumo blush. Simply put, get them while they’re hot. After all, you are the reason they are stepping up their game appearance-wise, to try to swoon on-lookers and get them to come over and talk to them.
I’m ready to go now
Going back to college is a lot like going to your local swap meet. For some reason every few months you convince yourself that there is something spectacular to be discovered in the local fare, but after merely stepping foot onto the grounds to survey the lot you’ll quickly realize that what was once filled with new, interesting looking possible partners is now filled with the usual pack of undesirables.
It’s not that you feel as though you need to put everyone down, but let’s call an ace an ace and a spade a spade. For the most part college is filled with people who thrive on mediocrity and laziness. They are all thinking the same thing you are, that you tried to give it your best and when you weren’t treated like a king automatically, the real you is what must be accepted.
The number of like minded individuals in your classes diminishes by year
Freshman year serves as the peak of your college naivety. Finally an environment where you’re surrounded by like minded individuals and more attractive people than your high school ever provided. Almost like a yearly filter, the number of peers you recognize as being on the same page as you disappear into midair. Questions served by your classmates to your professor almost seem unfathomable and the idea of having an attractive girl in your class is a fantasy.
There is no thing as a dumb question, but if there is 0:30 seconds left in your class schedule, this is not the time to ask the professor to revisit the entire lesson. Schedule your idiocy on your own time.
Warm beer is only a novelty for so long.
Kegs, 40s, 24 racks, and so on and so on… We get it. You’re excited to be there and there is no better way to celebrate your return than by indulging in endless libations. However, Natural Ice and Keystone Lights lose its luster after a few sips. Delving over exclusively into the hard liquor end of the spectrum will only allow for nights of black outs and white kids drawing sharpie infused designs all over your body.
The immediate convenience
From Adderal to Marijuana, and Vicodin to Mali, no longer do you have to venture out into the sketchy part of your respective towns to obtain a pick me up. Everything is once again accessible within a two text message radius. From the frat house to the basketball team, there remains to be a never ending supply and variety for your vice of choice. Even better, you will meet more people with more connections now that you are more experienced in terms of what kind of people to stay from and what areas have the parties with the most consistent substances.
Rich in resources
The power of your student ID doubling as a meal card is perhaps the only redeeming quality for your first weeks back. What seems to be a limitless resource for your collegiate culinary exploits and black Amex for items in your book store, nearly always depletes far too quickly. By the time you’re immersed in finals week, you’re left begging people on your floor for just one more swipe.
Enjoy mediocrity as long as you can as your best days are ahead of you. While these beer and Adderall infused nights tally up tens of thousands in college debt, don’t be mad we didn’t warn you.