Creeper Offers Free Coachella Tickets With These 20 Cringeworthy Demands

Coachella looks hella dope this year, right girls? Beyoncé is headlining the second day, you get to rock out wearing something that, hopefully, doesn’t appropriate cultures and take part in some weird drugs for the first time!

Ah, if only I could remember my first Coachella. I can’t, because of said drugs, but I’m sure it was an amazing experience.

Tickets are stupidly expensive so I wouldn’t be surprised if you turned to cheaper means like Craigslist.

That said, and as tempting as it is, I am encouraging women to stay far, far away from this creep offering up some free tickets.

free coachella tickets on craigstlist creeper van

Craigslist

Whoa, do you see that? THOSE ARE SOME RED FLAGS.

The ad was written by a 56-year-old man named “Gordon” of West Covina, California. And he’s just looking for a “travel companion.”

Except old Gordo here has a lot of rules for this road trip.

friends couple forever italy childhood

He starts the ad by explaining a little about himself and the tickets,

Ok here’s the deal. I have a VIP Pass for Weekend 2. I’m willing to give it away for free to the right person. I’m looking for a travel “companion” that can enjoy the festival with me and just have a good time. I left my job as Supervising Manager at Soup Plantation and subsequently divorced my wife of 11 years.

Obviously, Gordon has gone through some sort of midlife crisis or mental break. You just don’t leave your job as SUPERVISING MANAGER at Soup Plantation, my guy.

He continues,

I cashed out my 401k and decided that moving forward, my life is all about having fun! No more team meetings, no more employee evaluations, no more balance sheets, no more darn conference calls at 7am. JUST FUN! I have a room at the Tropics Motor Motel in Indio Thursday through Monday. If you believe you can meet the below criteria, please shoot me an email and describe why you think you make the best fit. I appreciate your time and look forward to finding the right “one”!

Anytime “companion” is used in quotes, you should be worried — not to mention staying in a motel. Have you never seen an episode of “Law and Order: SVU?!”

anna chancellor

If you’re still on board with hanging out with this dude, then you have to meet a certain criteria first. He gives the breakdown in an easy-to-follow, absolutely-not-creepy list of 20 demands.

1. Must be female between the ages of 19 and 25.

Gordon could literally be your father if you’re this age. Are you willing to risk it? I wouldn’t.

2. Must be comfortable traveling in a Recreational Vehicle (Vintage Shasta Chinook 3100 – pic attached).

As I’ve said earlier, no one is comfortable traveling in one of these things.

3. Must have fashionable sense of style in the vein of typical coachella goer (i.e. cute indian headband, small ripped jean shorts, lots of colorful bracelets, etc).

black and white selena gomez flower selena marie gomez spring breakers

4. Preferably have a playlist of various Coachella artists on phone we can listen to on ride over.

OK, this man who is old enough to be your father now wants you to introduce him to what the cool kids are listening to. What are the hot jams?

5. Must keep hands and feet moisturized at all times.
6. Must be open-minded and opportunistic.

tv no oprah smh not amused

The closeness of those two demands make me uncomfortable.

7. Must be ok with periodic hand-holding (perhaps during certain sensual songs and while walking into the festival initially).
8. Fingernails and Toenails must be nicely painted and harmonious with general color scheme of outfit.

I’m starting to notice a foot-theme here, are you?

9. I will provide snacks such as beef jerky and peanut butter sandwiches but if you have additional snacks and/or drinks…BIG BONUS!

ScreamQueens scream queens 1x01 pilot hell no

GORDON CAN PAY FOR VIP TICKETS, BUT HE CAN ONLY PROVIDE BEEF JERKY AND PEANUT BUTTER SANDWICHES?

GIRL, NO.

10. Being social is fine but no excessive fraternizing with other male festival-goers, and most definitely NO PUBLIC AFFECTION with other festival-goers (violation of this rule results in immediate removal of Tropic Motor Motel room privileges and maybe even return ride).

He is going to leave you in the desert.

11. Periodic moments of extended eye contact.

Broad City eye contact

12. Allow me to brush your hair once per day (not mandatory, but encouraged).
13. Must not be into drugs, pot ok.

I’m going to need a lot of drugs if I’m going to let some dude brush my hair once a day.

14. Must take a minimum of four photos of us together and post them to your Instigram account.

Cool, your sugar daddy who only makes peanut butter sandwich will be on your “Instigram,” not your Instagram.

15. Any personal grooming such as toenail clipping, eyebrow plucking or lipstick application must be done in my presence.

computer nope nsfw gross email

16. At least once during festival, you must allow me to carry you on my shoulders so you can see stage better (perfect time for instigram photo!)
17. At least twice during the festival you must tell me in a playful manner that “I am naughty”.
18. At some point in time during the festival you must tell me that “you didn’t know how this would go, but you’re actually having a really good time”.

What’s my motivation, director? “I thought for sure I’d be murdered, but I’m actually having an OK time.”

19. At least once during our stay after your shower, you must use the steam to write a cute message on the bathroom mirror for me to find later when I shower.

"save me" written in steam on glass

Shuterstock

And finally, the last rule:

20. Must be ready to party and HAVE FUN!

Honestly, after I analyzed this whole sitch, I think it seems pretty legit. Go ahead, girls. Go enjoy!

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Hope Schreiber

Editor

Hope Schreiber was raised on a mountain in New York and somehow found her way to LA. She is an expert in folklore, demonology, and can pronounce 'charcuterie.'
Hope Schreiber was raised on a mountain in New York and somehow found her way to LA. She is an expert in folklore, demonology, and can pronounce 'charcuterie.'

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