Shockwaves reverberated throughout the entire sports world yesterday when it was reported that Tim Tebow was set to sign with the New England Patriots. Could it be? The most unlucky man in all of football finally getting the chance he deserves with one of the most prolific teams in the NFL? You better believe it.
While everyone on both sides is surely overjoyed with the great opportunity that is presented, there’s probably no one more thankful than Tim Tebow himself. Just when all of the haters thought he would have to move to Canada to play some damn football, this beaming ray of hope was cast upon him in one of the most miraculous free agent signings in recent memory.
Sure it’s not the ideal destination for the dual-threat “quarterback,” but he will be learning from one of the greatest champions of all time, Tom Brady, as well as one of the most conniving coaches in the league, Bill Belichick. This should be an interesting pairing to say the least.
But what would have happened if the Pats never picked him up? I mean things were really looking glum for Tim once the Jets dropped him. Hell, even the Jacksonville Jaguars didn’t want anything to do with the untapped star. So what exactly would have become of poor Tebow?
Maybe he would have continued to chase down his dream, joining the CFL just north of the border. It was a legitimate option at one point, but as we all know, there are many more facets to Tebow than just football. The man transcends sports like no other. He has a certain aura and ability to inspire millions of people by simply having a good heart and displaying tremendous work ethic. Tim Tebow is one of a kind.
With these special gifts, he could probably go on to conquer anything he sets his mind to. Unfortunately, I don’t think he realizes this. He has to start thinking about life after football, as we have seen two times already, teams pick him up only to drop him back down. You don’t need their sorry asses. You can do much more than toss some damn pigskin. These are the 10 better things Tim Tebow could be doing with his life:
Adopting children to raise
Tebow is a man for the children. Being born in the Philippines to parents who started their own baptist missionary, he’s always been around kids — and orphans in particular.
We often see him snapped with the less fortunate children in different third-world countries, so it would come as no surprise if he started going on an adoption spree. He could easily pull an Angelina Jolie. Or better yet a Noah and collect two of every race to start the new world. Yes, definitely the latter.
No one can get his teammates more motivated than Tebow himself. His leadership ability is off the charts and that’s pretty much how he’s pulled out every improbable win in his career.
But this goes just beyond ball. Tebow has spoken everywhere from commencement ceremonies to prison yards, where he proclaims the good word of the Lord and positivity. Hell, he’s so good at it that he could become the next Joel Olsteen and get his own televised prayer service. He would probably make more than his NFL salary.
Being a priest
No one is more about that God life in all of sports than Tim Tebow. Sure Jeremy Lin may thank the good Lord every chance he gets, but we all know who made that sh*t hot.
Tebow was one of the first players to use bible scriptures under his eye black and you can genuinely tell that he is actually super-religious and not doing it for show. The transition to priesthood should be pretty seamless. He already doesn’t f*ck and goes to church regularly. Why not make a profession out of it?
Acting in daytime soap operas
Let’s face it. This dude is a heartthrob. So what’s the best way to capitalize on this charm? Why not throw him right into a soap opera series? He already has a corny demeanor to him, which should help him easily adjust to life on the silver screen.
Imagine this dude saying some cheesy lines then ripping off his shirt to rescue a damsel in distress. There’s no doubt that this is the second best place for him to appear on our TV screens. Aside from the field of course.
Being Chuck Norris’ sidekick
Chuck Norris kicks ass. Tim Tebow looks like he can kick ass. Why don’t they just bust some ass together? Chuck is already a huge fan of Tebow and even wrote a letter to the Jaguars organization trying to persuade them to sign him.
His attempts proved fruitless, which is why they should band together to go after the Jacksonville franchise. How dare you deny Tim Tebow’s services on multiple occasions? This calls for some serious ass kicking. Go get ‘em boys!
Commentating football games
What’s the next best thing after playing in the game? That’s right. Commentating it. What better way to get back at the people who spurned you than by talking wild sh*t about them?
He can literally rip everyone a new asshole by going into some non-football related sh*t. Then again, he’d probably go on some Bible rants and use his air time to preach the good name of the Lord. Dammit Tebow.
Becoming a gym teacher
It doesn’t even make sense for your quarterback to be this jacked. I mean sure you want to be lean, but you’re not a f*cking linebacker making tackles. But now that you are this massive, the transition to personal training would be too damn easy.
In addition to scooping mad b*tches, he could make a fortune off Bible-related work out videos. Just imagine doing some hot Yoga while doing the Rosary. Now that’s a workout. Both physically and spiritually.
Look Tim, we know you’re a self-proclaimed virgin, but come on man. Use the blessings that you’ve been bestowed on God’s greatest gift of all: bad b*tches. You have beautiful women throwing themselves at you all day long and you’re not going to smang (smash and bang)?
While we all know he’s lying about this whole not getting with groupies thing, he should really just wild out. Go after the ratchet ones and become a bad boy. F*ck trying to please everyone. Just imagine Tebow and Bieber setting the town on fire. Now that would be one hell of a tabloid.
Watching highlight tapes of his glory days at UF
As hard as you might work to get back on top of your game in the NFL, you will never reach the level of success you had in Florida. And that’s not necessarily a bad thing. Not many college athletes had the same experience you had, being the toast of the nation — so you might as well reflect on it.
Who wouldn’t want to remember winning National Championships and completely owning the SEC for four years straight? The story is much different today, so it’s okay to be just like the weird uncle in “Napoleon Dynamite” and constantly reflect on your playing days from way back when. It’s okay.
Designing a new quarterback position, one that never throws
This would be the most progressive, most groundbreaking move of them all. Instead of working hard to become the best quarterback you can be, just say f*ck it. Create your QB position that involves absolutely no throwing.
Defenses will expect you to pass about 95% of the time when you’re in the pocket. Prove them wrong by running backwards toward your own end zone, then try to Pac-Man your way 100 yards to the other end. I mean it works in Madden… sometimes.
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