Every guy knows that NBA 2K, on the Xbox 360 or PS3, is the ultimate equalizer. This is where we find out the true measure of any man. Your skill on the sticks is the one and only indicator in showing someone’s true character — are they a follower or a leader?
Only the mentally frail, who cannot handle the sh*t talk and high stakes pressure that comes with a quick game, end up losers. In short, this is not a game for the faint of heart. You will get chewed up, spit out and lose five bucks every time you step up if you’re not ready.
The reason for this high-competitive nature can be credited to the evolution of the 2K gamers. They are smarter, quicker and talk more sh*t than ever before. These guys train 24/7 to make sure their game is top notch and up to scratch to take on any poor challengers.
Friends from all walks of life go hard when ever this bad boy is plugged in, as the entire mood of the room can change once someone turns it on.
What most people don’t understand is that this is really more than just a game. Back in the day when things used to get settled, they used to flip a coin or play rock, paper, scissors.
Today this can all be settled in a game of 2K with 7-minute quarters. Make sure it’s on Hall of Fame mode of course. It’s a test of pride and basketball superiority among your b*tch ass friends. We’ve compiled a list of the 10 people you’ll encounter playing NBA 2k, which one are you?
The Guy That Watches All Of His Replays
If there is one unwritten rule in all of 2K, it’s never to watch the damn replay. Especially the Sprite Slam Cam bullsh*t. Never that. While we are way too lazy to ever turn the setting off, both sides should feverishly tap the A-button until the ball is inbounded. That’s just how it is.
Furthermore, under no circumstance should a player ever review their own replay manually. It’s completely counter-productive and takes away from the momentum of the game. We don’t care if you had a crazy alley-oop from Dwyane Wade to LeBron James. You chose the Heat, relax. Violators will be smacked.
The Guy That Thinks He’s A Sports Analyst
This is the guy who is clearly convinced that he’s broadcasting live on ESPN. You don’t know sh*t about basketball, dog. If you did, you would be in the damn game.
Stop trying to compare factual statistical data to its video game counterpart. Nothing is more annoying than a self-righteous 2K player who thinks he can actually be a head coach and GM.
It’s very impressive that you can name every point guard on the Knicks since 1965, but please refrain from trying to drop knowledge on me while we are playing. It’s one thing to respect the greats, but it’s another to keep talking about how much better they used to be. Just shut up.
This dude wishes basketball were like it was in the 70s to 90s, and while it was cool, get with the times. Stop giving me all these obscure facts. We don’t care.
The Guy Who Picks The Worst Team Only To Get Smacked
What an idiot. What are you trying to prove by being the Sacramento Kings or Orlando Magic? You’re not that real. They will usually go on to claim that they don’t need a star to win, but end up quitting when they’re down by 40 in the third.
Then you’ll blame the fact that you have no stars on your time and we just wasted a half hour. Good job, idiot.
This is by far the most annoying type of player of them all. This is the dude who is all of the sudden the most poppin’ dude in America, receiving text after text and foolishly answering all of them.
Of course this involves many pause breaks and, as we all know, there is nothing worse. In the middle of the action, he will stop the game, put the controller to the side, and put his head down to text on his sh*tty Blackberry. We should all be allowed to punch him in the back of the head for doing this unjust 2K act.
The Guy No One Wants To Play Because He’s In Debt To Everyone
This f*cking guy. Really? Who puts money on games, doesn’t pay and then expect to see a match? This guy. Use your best judgment here, you should always decline his request to play until all of his 2K debts are settled.
No one wants to play a bullsh*tter, but unfortunately we all have a friend who is one. However if there is no other competition, you will have no choice but to succumb and compete against this low-life.
The Guy That Refuses To Quit When He’s Getting Killed
What are you trying to prove here, guy? It’s been awkwardly silent for minutes as you try to exhibit some sort of extraordinary grit by not giving up. But when you’re trailing by 40 plus, most of us know it’s mercy.
But this dude just refuses to quit. He edges his seat and gets hyped at every basket until you quickly dash his hopes by draining an immediate three. Come on son.
The Guy Who Dips After He Loses
It’s one thing to be a sore loser, but to actually get up and leave is a little overboard. Come on, man. It’s just a game. It’s not that serious. What kind of man just gets up and walks out immediately upon losing.
Have some grace, dude. Don’t let us see you look like a b*tch. Sack up and wait for the next game to avenge your loss.
The Neck Monster
This dude talks the wildest sh*t. He’s not even that nice, and is, not to mention, losing the game, but for some reason finds a way to try and get into your head. It’s not working dog. You’re trash.
Not only that, but they will over hype any highlight they have and call over other homies to come peep his replay. Come on are you serious, bro? This is what we call a neck monster.
The Guy Who Takes Charges
This is the ultimate 2K f*ckboy. Along with taking cheap charges, you will catch him snooping around the back court trying to pick off an inbound pass. Stay on your side, homie.
He will more than likely look for any exploit and take advantage as cheaply as he can. He’s playing with the Lakers? Expect at least 60 three point attempts, all while fading away to his right. That’s so cheap.
The Hustler (The Guy Who Is Too Damn Good)
This dude is about his paper. He doesn’t even play it for fun anymore, but just to ruin relationships. And why the hell is this guy so good? It makes no damn sense to have acquired this much skill since the game has been dropped.
But he knows all of the ins and outs, making your 2K experience a living hell. And not only that, he only plays if there’s money involved. You will surely be broke after a week of playing this dude as he is what we call the, “2K Champ.” Assh*le.