This Is How Many Calories Of Garbage Food You Ate Over The Holiday Weekend

The weekend of July 4 is, in many ways, when summer peaks. The days are just hazy enough, the brunches long and unbroken by anything except another mimosa being slid across the table. We're happy, healthy and sun-baked for the first time in months.

Oh, and there's the eating. Ripe produce like corn, sure, but also endless quantities of weekend hamburgers crowned with avocado and cheddar cheese. You probably have at least one over-ambitious pal making his or her own ice cream, so dessert's always on the menu, too. Summer body? Who cares when there are good times to be had?

Well, we're overdoing it. All of us. Not to be the fun police, but I was greeted by an office of decidedly cranky, bloated co-workers this morning who weren't in the mood to work because they'd spent the last three days willfully attempting to expand their stomachs with the aid of every junk food imaginable.

As Independence Day passes us by, let's take a moment to reflect on the sheer, vast quantities we ate this weekend. Land of the free, home of the heartburn, and all that.

Here's how the game works: Pick the food you ate, multiply it by the amount (one scoop of ice cream, LOL) and then add it all up to a grand total. Then, let me know how much it was. Honestly, I'd like to find the winner and bow down to him or her — speaking as a person who downed a pint of gelato then spent the rest of the day clutching my stomach in agony.

Realize, too, that this is the easy version. We haven't counted snacks, condiments or cocktails. Happy adding!

Were you classy this Fourth? Did you stick to just 8 ounces of steak?

Any hamburgers in your past?

Surely, you topped them with at least a serving of cheese — not to mention mayo, ketchup, tomatoes, avocados and bacon.

Did pizza arrive at your door this weekend? There's no way you only had one slice...

What about tipsy french fries? A large, instead of a small?

Finally, something healthy. How much fruit did you eat while sitting poolside?

And corn, too. Of course, this estimate doesn't count all the butter slathered on it.

Patriotic cake! The calories just represent the piece of cake, not the frosting or sprinkles or Oreo bits mixed in.

Sure, you topped it with ice cream.

Wine, anyone? Like, an entire bottle of it?

Or beer, if that suits you better.

One shot for the road, surely.

How'd you fare in the great game of holiday calories? Leave me a comment below.