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How You Exercise At The Gym Based On Your Zodiac Sign

People need some sort of mental activity to keep them occupied while they're on the treadmills at the gym. One of my personal favorite games to play is “guess that sign,” wherein I take a look at a person's gym habits and try to pinpoint his or her zodiac sign.

You can play, too, by following this simple guide.

If you've ever wondered how your zodiac sign influences your gym habits, this guide is for you. If you think that your zodiac sign doesn't have an influence on your gym habits, well then I guess you think the tides don't affect you either, Mr. or Mrs. Too-Good-For-SCIENCE.

Aries (March 21 – April 19): requires exercise EVERY DAY as part of a court-ordered anger management program

Workout profile: Aries is a very energetic sign. They have precious little tolerance when someone disagrees with them and can be huge babies when it comes to restraining themselves. They're probably the single most likely sign to be caught in a bar fight or assaulting a cab driver.

So when you see them at the gym, it's a safe bet they were ordered to be there by their anger management counselors, who's keeping our streets safe from these assh*les.

Favorite machine/class: Boxing.

Best workout schedule: Every morning, ideally avoiding any social interaction.


Taurus (April 20 – May 20): gets his or her workout while running late to things

Workout profile: Taurus isn't a big fan of exercise because he or she hates to rush.

They hate it so much, in fact, that the only exercise they probably get is when they're trying to catch a bus, which they will almost always miss — because they didn't want to rush.

Favorite machine/class: Elliptical.

Best workout schedule: Whenever they're most comfortable going. (They'll set their own rules.)


Gemini (May 21 – June 20): forgets to do check-in post at gym on Facebook, calls entire day a waste of time

Workout profile: If a Gemini is at the gym, you'll know about it because he or she will be tracking the progress he or she makes on all forms of social media, as well as fitness apps with a social media component.

What's the point of going on a walk if you aren't tracking it on MapMyWalk or MyFitnessPal or live-streaming a workout on Periscope?

Don't tell a Gemini that exercise is for quiet contemplation; quiet contemplation is for nuns and house pets.

Favorite machine/class: Any machine a Gemini can simultaneously text, watch TV and do something else on.

Best workout schedule: Whenever there isn't anything else more worthy of his or her attention.


Cancer (June 21 – July 22): first one to fart in a yoga class

Workout profile: Each sign rules a different part of the body, and Cancer rules the stomach. What this means is when a Cancer worries (and he or she often does), his or her digestive system is likely to be affected first. Cancers also have a tendency to overeat, and that's a bad combo.

You'll often catch them in a yoga class or tai chi because they love for their exercise routines to have a spiritual component. But they'll be applauding the teacher with their butts. By farting. That's a fart joke.

Favorite machine/class: Yoga, tai chi, SoulCycle.

Best workout schedule: After work, before dinner, five to six days a week.


Leo (July 23 – August 22): gets on the treadmill and immediately begins racing people next to him or her

Workout profile: You know the type; Leos work out so much that you want to ask them when their divorces are going to be finalized. They aren't trying to impress you (They assume you're impressed already.), but they work out to win, even if there's no game. It doesn't matter that you aren't going anywhere; they'll race you on an elliptical.

Favorite machine/class: Treadmill/boot camp.

Best workout schedule: Every SINGLE day of the week so they can enjoy watching their bodies in a mirror for a full two hours. Did I mention Leos can be a little vain?


Virgo (August 23 – September 22): burns enough calories judging people

Workout profile: Virgos do try to maintain their health one way or another, whether it be through exercise, a healthy diet or both. They're perfectionists and hypochondriacs, so they try to take good care of themselves.

But to be honest, their favorite physical activity is judging others. Did you know you can burn 34 calories an hour telling people what to do and 59 calories an hour if you do it standing up?! Try yelling — you'll burn an extra five!

Favorite machine/class: Stairmaster/treadmill.

Best workout schedule: Whatever their doctors recommend.


Libra (September 23 – October 22): goes to the gym hoping to date personal trainer

Workout profile: Libras are very romantic. They are the sign of partnership, and they work better when they have someone else to motivate and inspire them. And nothing inspires them more than those super sexual trainer-client stretching sessions. Not to mention having someone chiseled to perfection telling you you're “lookin' good.”

Favorite machine/class: Zumba.

Best workout schedule: Five to six days a week, to avoid sinking into depression and laziness.


Scorpio (October 23 – November 21): sex as a workout

Workout profile: You can burn up to 600 calories an hour at a martial arts class, or you can burn 960,000 calories f*cking a Scorpio, who's pretty much always down. It's your call.

Favorite machine/class: Pole dancing or circuit training.

Best workout schedule: Every day (not that they need to, but they're very all-or-nothing people, and they need for their activities to be intense).


Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21): cross country bar-hopping

Workout profile: If a Sagittarius is working out at an actual gym and not in the great outdoors, mountain climbing, biking across the country or just walking every square foot of the city they live in, that gym better have a bar attached to it. Sagittarius is a naturally very active sign, so whatever workout he or she is doing, you know that A. It's going to feel celebratory, and B. A Sagittarius will hydrate with alcohol.

Favorite machine/class: Plyometrics (lots of enthusiastic jumping).

Best workout schedule: They aren't the type to stick to schedules, but three days a week is manageable for most Sagittarii.


Capricorn (December 22 – January 19): ran a 10k this morning

Workout profile: You'll never see Capricorns working out; they're either “way too slammed at work” or doing it at four in the morning while we're all asleep because they think they're better than all of us.

Favorite machine/class: Circuit training or treadmill. For how hard they work, Capricorns are very boring.

Best workout schedule: Before the sun comes up, five to six days a week.


Aquarius (January 20 – February 18): doesn't want to be part of a gym that would have him or her as a member

Workout profile: Mostly because interpersonal and business relationships block their personal freedom, Aquarians aren't “joiners.” Any group which would have an Aquarius as a member is going to be the target of his or her severe social paranoia.

You won't catch them signing any kind of gym contract, but you might find them outside the gym yelling “WAKE UP, SHEEPLE” with picket signs, fighting corporate greed. Whatever exercise routines they do pick up are likely to be motivated more by their intense need to quiet their thoughts, and less by a desire to get in shape.

Favorite machine/class: Outdoor running, hiking, rock climbing.

Best workout schedule: Working out at a different time every day.


Pisces (February 19 – March 20): makes fitness dream board and waits for results

Workout profile: Pisces are real visionaries. If you ask them what their workout plans are, they'll tell you they're trying to be gentle with themselves to wear down their own “inner resistance.” If you ask them how long that sort of thing might take, they'll say “time is a rubber band.”

Their faith might be able to move mountains; it just can't get them to do squats. The best way for a Pisces to work out is to tailor the workout to appeal to their creative and spiritual sides.

Favorite machine/class: Dance class, yoga, pilates, SoulCycle.

Best workout schedule: Three to four days a week.

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Rosebud Baker

Editor

Rosebud Baker is a standup comic and writer in NYC. Follow her on Twitter, where she desperately seeks the approval of strangers, but will settle for just attention.
Rosebud Baker is a standup comic and writer in NYC. Follow her on Twitter, where she desperately seeks the approval of strangers, but will settle for just attention.

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