Digestive Tracker Helps Control Farts Just In Time For Cuffing Season
Good news, fart machines! Dating won't leave you in a constant moving-bucket-of-toots.
(The moving-bucket-of-toots is your car after you dropped your date at home. Or it's possibly the subway car because no one can blame it on a single person. Your bucket of toots is maybe even a bicycle powered by your own methane gas emissions.)
Anyway, what I'm trying to say is you have no excuse.
Not even farts can stand in your way of love now, thanks to this new digestive tracker: the AIRE by FoodMarble.
Just like a breathalyzer, which I use to start my car, you blow into a portable gadget that is connected to an app. The AIRE then analyzes the amount of gas in your bloodstream.
“How does this work,” you ask? “And also, what was that bit about a breathalyzer starting your car?”
Well, food that doesn't mesh with your system builds gas up in your gut, which then travels through the bloodstream into your lungs. This is how AIRE can measure just how full of it you truly are.
To get the AIRE set up is simple enough, as long as you aren't a trash-monster like me who inhales food constantly.
When you use the device, the AIRE monitors your FODMAP (Fermentable Oligo-, Di-, Mono-saccharides and Polyols) levels, which are the carbohydrates found in food that turns into gas.
First, you have to have a reading on an empty stomach.
Then, you mix a FODMAP sachet that comes with the device with water, drink it and monitor your results every 15 minutes for three hours.
Afterward, the device can estimate which foods give you a gassy reaction, while the food-logger helps you track food.
So, instead of grabbing a milkshake with the girl next door and then spending the evening blaming your farts on her dog that died six years ago (ghost dog farts), just tell her, “Sorry, milkshakes make my ass literally explode.”
Wait, maybe those are both bad options.
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