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Watching Netflix Is Actually Turning You Into A Spiritual Guru

Just because you don't meditate, pray, do yoga, eat right or sleep well doesn't mean you're not an enlightened spiritual being.

You're a busy modern woman for Christs' sake, and you are spiritual AF.  You just, like… don't have time for mindful breathing right now. You're sooo busy, the only time you have to spare is the measly six hours a day that you reserve for fetal-ing up in front of Netflix.

Health experts have said binging on Netflix isn't good for you… but have they ever tried it??? What does “health expert” even mean? Did they outsmart death?

The following are several ways you can convince those health experts, spiritual gurus and life coaches to get off your dick 'cause you've transformed this mind-numbing crutch into a modern spiritual practice.

Netflix = restful contemplation.

Meditation can be described as spending time in quiet, restful contemplation. Well, I'm not a doctor, but I know that lying down is restful, and I know that contemplation is what happens when I watch “House of Cards”… and that sounds like a pretty dope form of meditation to me.

Well, I'm not a doctor, but I know that lying down is restful, and I know that contemplation is what happens when I watch “House of Cards”… and that sounds like a pretty dope form of meditation to me.


It's not mindless binging, it's mindful eating.

Just because some dumb nutritionist told you not to rush your meals or eat in front of the television doesn't mean you have to eat in silence, meditating on every bite like some monk in a temple in Tibet.

You want a real, manageable suggestion for mindful eating? Try guzzling a plate full of antipasto while watching “Black Mirror.” Now THAT's mindful AF.


I'm not isolating, I'm celebrating the glory of being left alone.

By spending those precious hours alone, with only the company of the fictional characters you keep, you are avoiding the urge to fill your life with meaningless social engagements just for the sake of staying busy.

You are a modern day Buddha, fasting from the companionship of others, a shining example of the power of solitude.


I'm honoring my body… by masturbating to Luke Cage's body.

If people try to argue you're avoiding your life and neglecting your health by getting lost in the next Netflix series, you'll have to inform them how wrong they are. Sometimes Netflix isn't about losing yourself in plot twists and dramatic monologues.

Sometimes it's just about sitting back and finding yourself through the power of a straight-up killer wank-sesh. I don't even know what happened in this season of “Luke Cage,” but that doesn't mean I didn't watch every single scene (he was in).


It's called stepping outside your comfort zone, duh.

Before “Narcos,” I never ever considered going to Columbia, but now that I've watched both seasons, I'm pretty sure I never want to!

Without taking the massive risk of diving headfirst into a show that exclusively uses subtitles, I never would have known the meaning of the phrase, “leap and the net will appear.”

I lept, the net appeared and the net was the comfort of my very own home in America.

Thank you, Netflix, and thank you, “Narcos.”

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Rosebud Baker

Editor

Rosebud Baker is a standup comic and writer in NYC. Follow her on Twitter, where she desperately seeks the approval of strangers, but will settle for just attention.
Rosebud Baker is a standup comic and writer in NYC. Follow her on Twitter, where she desperately seeks the approval of strangers, but will settle for just attention.

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