Basic b*tches are the Ikea of humans. They are mass-produced, painfully ordinary “Where's Waldo” women whose special talent is blending in.
Here are 33 things that basic bitches love (or 33 totally typical things you can no longer love):
1. Big salads at Cheesecake Factory
Dressing on the side, please. Isn't this place just the best? Yes, ladies, it's a step above CPK for sure.
2. Marilyn Monroe because she's “edgy”
You haven't actually seen any of her movies, though. You prefer to watch Audrey Hepburn. At least her movies are in color.
3. Billboard Top 20
Basic b*tches fully believe that they discovered The Neighbourhood because they heard them on Spotify's top 100 hits first. They stock pile on more pop hits than bracelets on their arm.
Toasters are the epitome of basic b*tches. They can make anything in the toaster (except, heaven forbid, sliced bread), everything tastes better in the toaster, they enjoy the friendly chime of the toaster, they look like toasters… Those basic b*tches, the closest they've come to using real kitchen appliances is returning duplicates from their bridal registry.
5. Instagram geotags
You didn't actually eat that entire plate of carbonara pasta, but you sure as hell were there to uh, say you were there. Just because you watch The Food Network, while running on the treadmill, doesn't mean you are a dietary expert.
And for the record, we've seen that snapshot of Finale some place else. It's called two years ago in real life. Can you just be a little bit more inventive? Ugh, no you can't.
6. Lauren Conrad, whom they consider a style icon
No one rocks a maxi dress and noticeable eyeliner quite like LC. Ever since you saw her, and her ringed white handbag on “Laguna Beach,” you've wanted to be her. She's ah-mazing.
7. Classic films like “P.S. I Love You”
Oh-em-gee, hey, are you trying to make a funny? Because “P.S. I Love You” isn't actually a classic film, right? Ugh, I love you girl.
8. Their best friend from high school, Becca
…Who taught you everything you know. She's like, the greatest person, ever.
Wearing UGGs well into 2014 is the most badass thing you've ever done. Actually, having sex while you were still wearing your UGGs was the most badass thing you've ever done. Doggy style with your shoes still on!? And we have the gall to call you basic!
10. Drinking Kesha's bath tub water
It's loaded in glitter and essential salts.
11. Rooftops and kale
It's really hard for basic bitches to choose just one. In the ideal world, they would be able to drink their kale and grill their kale and farm their kale right on their rooftops. But that would be a little bit too cool for a basic b*tch.
12. BIG bowls
Everything basic bitches eat must be consumed from a big, gigantic bowl. It tastes better that way, we swear.
13. Star tattoos on their foot
Chinese symbols make a close second. To basic bitches, the only thing cuter than a teeny star on their foot is their maltese puppy.
14. Tweeting at Ryan Gosling
Oopsies, someone drank a little too much sweet white wine and now she’s harassing Ryan Gosling on Twitter… again.
We hate to break it to these basic bitches, but Ryan Gosling is not real. He's just another Hollywood illusion that everyone feels way too comfortable with since he became a meme and household name.
15. Committing carbicide
Eating carbs is as close as a basic bitch has come to committing a felony. And after they open a bag of Stacy's pita chips, they wish their mouths were locked up anyway.
16. Low ponytails
From work, to working out, to working it — a low ponytail is every basic bitch's catch-all, foolproof hairstyle. But, watch out folks, sometimes they get not-so-basic by wrapping a strand around the hair tie, effectively concealing the elastic. Revolutionary.
17. Working out in pairs
Your workout clothes are ensembles, really. Talking about how much you both love your gay pilates instructor is even more fun than a juice cleanse!
18. American Apparel hoodies
F*ck that haters. Oops, can we say f*ck?
19. Relying on their husbands
(Optional: to be spoken in an evil and revengeful tone.) They made you this way, muwahaha.
20. Fake love for sports
Let's be honest, basic b*tches would much prefer to watch the real, compelling drama of “Say Yes to the Dress,” though they need to beef up their sports tolerance if they're gonna land number 19. Hate to break it to you ladies, but the jig is up. We're on to your tricks.
Now put Randy back on!
21. Date parties in college
Let us guess — you wore a bandage dress?
22. Making out with girls for attention in high school
This legitimizes 37 percent of your argument as to why “Orange Is the New Black” is the best series on television. But it still doesn't make you any less basic.
23. Going abroad to Florence
Every girl who went abroad to Florence qualifies. Except for Amanda Knox. That shizz ain't basic.
24. White converse
To be fair, these are kind of a basic staple. Even for not-so-basic bitches.
25. Packaged Halloween costumes
Duh, like you'd ever DIY? No one's called you crafty since the time you suggested a “Corporate Hoes and CEOs” themed party.
26. Riding in Jeeps or Jettas or Jitneys in the summer
Basically, if it's a “J” then you're down. Except for the smoking kind. No, the horror!
27. Movies like “Rent” where you can sing along
And since it's based on a Broadway show that means you're cultured. Who said you were basic?
28. Working in PR
You'd work in fashion, but that's way too creative for you. Ever since you majored in communications and saw the lack of legitimate work on “The Hills” (see #6), you've been wanting to become a fake PR girl in a power headset.
29. Carrie Bradshaw
Before you realized that written print is becoming obsolete and columnists get paid less than the employees who stitch the Manolos, you wanted to be a writer because you desperately idolized Carrie Bradshaw. And you have the Buzzfeed quiz to confirm it.
30. Posing like this with your boyfriend
HAND ON BELLY ALERT! HAND ON BELLY ALERT!
31. Daring is dying your hair ombre
You haven't really lived unless you've gotten bangs, though!
32. The majority of your photos take place in someone's kitchen
Standard. Typical. You get it.
33. You think “basic” is referring to a section of H&M
That's right, keep telling yourself that.
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