“There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.” – Chris Rock
Compliments are great. And yes, many women can’t get enough of them. However, something that might seem like a perfect, first-date icebreaker may make a dramatic turn.
Many ladies are awesome at twisting words into something demeaning to use as ammo against the complimentor in a future argument. It’s a very common disorder and the earlier you identify yourself as a offender, the better off you’ll be.
Here are seven insults, carefully wrapped up into compliments and tied with a red bow of sarcasm and charm. Enjoy, handle with care and don’t say any of these comments to a woman, unless you want a dirty look headed straight your way:
1. “You’re so cute/bubbly!”
Ah, “bubbly”: The word in itself is horrid, as it sounds like a well-rounded, plosive, overly loud and annoying figure. When you use this word to describe a woman, you’re basically saying she’s too loud, too annoying, too hyper or all of the above. Calling her “bubbly” is akin to saying that her intelligence and independence is “cute.”
Alternative: Keep it clean and try, “You’re a confident woman and I like that about you,” instead.
2. “You clean up well!”
So, you’re saying that on every other day, I look like sh*t? Even if you actually meant to tell a girl how beautiful she looks in a dress, she will twist it and assume you meant that she looks like a mess at all other times. Fail and fail.
Alternative: Keep is short and simple with, “You look beautiful” or “You look gorgeous.”
3. Any sentence that ends with “… for a girl.”
If you were even remotely acquainted with the feminist lore of the modern world, you wouldn’t dare such rubbish to cross your lips. Sexist faux compliments like, “you’re so funny, for a girl” or “you’re really clever, for a girl” are absolutely not okay to say to a woman. Think about it: By speaking such archaic words, you’re actually saying that we are not funny or clever or cool or smart compared to all your male friends.
Alternative: Ditch “… for a girl” and stop after the first part of your sentence.
4. “You look healthy!” or “I like a girl with meat on her bones.”
If you want to compliment a girl, then, for God’s sake, steer clear of commenting on her weight. Doing so is pretty much dating suicide. Even if you’re trying to be sincere and honest by calling a woman “healthy,” you’re tapping into her lingering body image insecurities.
Alternative: There is no alternative to this “compliment.” You’ll always end up losing.
5. “You’re cuddly.”
While most of us love a good cuddle, it doesn’t make you qualified to use the word as a defining adjective. In our minds, “cuddly” equals chubby, fat, squishy and squeezable – something like a teddy bear. Every grown-up woman wants to be sexy for her man, not resemble a soft toy from her childhood.
Alternative: Say, “I love holding you.”
6. “You’re so cool; why are you still single?”
This is confusing because you’re either really into us and this is your version of a pick-up line or you doubt our capability to find a decent man. Our coolness, obviously, is accompanied with laser lights that encircle and destroy every potential man — that’s why we’re single. Does this answer your stupid question?
Alternative: If you’re into her, say, “We should go out for dinner” or something equally straightforward.
7. “I love that I don’t have to try around you.”
While a guy may say this to validate his laziness that’s barring him from putting on a clean shirt, he’s really saying that the girl isn’t good enough to necessitate a clean shirt, or general effort from him.
How about next time we go for dinner, you come in your track pants and burp on the table? Yep, sounds perfect.
Alternative: There is no alternative; just make an effort, fellas. If we can wear mascara and put on dangerously high heels for a date night, you can at least comb your hair.
Photo via We Heart It