Boobs, tits, ta-tas, funbags, blah blah blah… they may be man’s favorite play things, but they can be a woman’s biggest nightmare. I’m not talking about your full B cups, I’m talking about your C, DD and bigger cups.
Typically, you’ve either got a donk or a full chest; unfortunately, only a lucky few get blessed with both. I felt pretty left out by the study that says having a big butt with lead to a healthier and smarter life. I felt even more left out when I couldn’t relate to any of the things only women with big butts understand.
Well I’m going to enlighten you about the other side of the story — the flip side, the top heavy side. Relax, take a chill pill and learn to laugh at the satirical take on things only busty women will understand:
1. When you talk about getting a breast reduction, people respond with something along the lines of: “It’s like slapping God in the face.”
How many times have you heard this expression? Back problems are real and much to a man’s disbelief, they aren’t an excuse to get out of exercising. Don’t you think we’d love having big boobs if they weren’t so painful?
2. Walking down the street is enough of an exercise
Trying to maintain an upright posture is a craft all its own.
3. You can never be completely comfortable on top
Are they bouncing around too much? Do they make me look fat? Can he even see my face over them? Do I even want him to? Sometimes you get so in your head you forget what the F it is you’re even doing.
4. One sports bra is never really enough
It doesn’t matter if you have a sports bra on or not — the fear that one of your boobs is going to poke you in the eye is real! Do you know how hard it is to keep up with jumping jacks in your aerobics class? You’ve got one hand holding your chest while the other is doing windshield wiping motions above your head.
5. You can only buy bikinis in separates
Come on Urban Outfitters and Nasty Gal, when are you two going to realize that busty bitches want to buy your swimwear too? UGH!!!!!
6. No one has made eye contact upon meeting you since puberty
My face is up here, buddy! It doesn’t matter if you have cleavage out or not, if you’re talking to a guy, chances are he’s checking out your rack first and foremost.
7. Business clothes make you look like either a slut or a lesbian
GRRR! The only thing more frustrating than spending $79.99 on a sleeveless blouse from Banana Republic is the fact that it doesn’t really even fit. Why are blouses not tailored to your bust size? WHY?! There is absolutely no way lady suits were made for busty women.
8. Wearing a bathing suit on family vacation is extremely uncomfortable
It’s really damn awkward when your Double D’s are pouring out while talking to your dad or brother while on family vacation. You can’t cover them up when you’re lying on the beach tanning, as it would defeat the point. It’s okay though, they are probably as uncomfortable if not more so than you are. Bonus: use this as an excuse to get your dad to buy you an expensive cover up.
9. Boob sweat (the struggle is real)
When are they going to invent boob deodorant already? It’s getting a little ridiculous. The worst part is that this doesn’t only happen during the summer months, it’s a constant struggle.
10. Your friends tell you how they wish they had your problem
Yeah, you think these boobs are just fun and games until you hit the treadmill or have to find the perfect business suit. You’ll be reevaluating your wishes instantaneously, trust me.
11. Bandeaus and strapless tops are always an issue
And it all falls down… (sing it with me…)
12. All your friends think they can touch them at any given moment
Just because they are there and you’re flat chested doesn’t mean they are up for grabs 24/7.
13. When you step on the scale, you automatically deduct 7-10 pounds
They are heavy and probably weigh a significant amount. Right? RIGHT? Right.
14. Guys don’t seem to realize they are attached to your body
Um, excuse me… can you, like, NOT? Just because they’re big and in your face doesn’t mean you can just yank them as hard as you want. We do feel that, thanks.
15. Whatever workout you’re doing resembles a scene from a porno
You finally make the brave trek to the free weight area, a place few girls dare to go. As soon as you bend over to do your first tricep kickback, your cleavage is basically just chilling on the bench, reflecting in the mirror for all fellow weightlifters to see: #fail.
16. Your cleavage probably eats more than you do
Popcorn and sandwiches are the enemy. Basically anything that generates crumbs is probably your cleavage’s favorite food. Try going to a movie in a tank top and tell me you can’t serve up a size small popcorn with all the remnants that have accumulated in your bra.
17. People just assume they’re fake
Just because your boobs are big doesn’t mean they aren’t real… idiots.
18. Your towel can never be securely wrapped around your chest
Your best bet is to invest in a velcro towel wrap so that your towel will be securely fastened over your chest.
19. You’re (more often than not) at risk of a nip slip
Hey, it happens to the best of us. Whether we’re bending over to pick something up or we’re just hanging on the beach, a nipple exposure is always a possibility. If this does happen, your best bet is to just laugh it off as with any embarrassing situation.
20. Seatbelts and cross body bags are the enemy
The second you buckle your seatbelt, it’ll be safely tucked into your cleavage for the rest of the ride. And whoever said cross body bags are the most convenient — well they probably had A cups. It’s really not attractive to have the strap of your purse pushing your shirt fabric into your chest.