Would You Date: The Jewish Boy
It is safe to say to all of the Jews out there in Miami, Natalie Portman and Mila Kunis definitely represent their demographic the best. But when it comes to Jewish men, their appearances span across a spectrum ranging from James Dean look alikes, to the ultimate stud in James Franco. They even include in their ranks the pre-weight loss Jonah Hill. Jewish people are also labeled with several stereotypes, both negative and positive.
The dynamics of the group keeps us intrigued, so naturally these men remain a steady presence in any woman’s dating circle.
Jewish men are known to be successful businessmen that treat their wives with the utmost respect. And what sounds better than that? But like all men, the Jewish guy possesses qualities that want to make us roll our eyes more than the scantily clad shiksas outside of Greenhouse.
From the proud Jewish boys who won’t let us forget it, to the one’s who embrace their religion as nothing more than that awesome Bar Mitzvah they got to throw at Jay-Z’s 40/40 Club at the age of 13, it is crucial to break down all the characteristics held by a Jewish boy.
Would you date the Jewish boy?
They are smart and successful
These boys do not fool around when it comes to getting an education. There are basically two different types of Jewish boys in college, and they can be broken down like this:
The ZBT frat stars at Syracuse where the boys are bound to inherit their father’s million dollar business. These are clearly husband material.
Then there are the ZBT at UPenn filled with kids in the Wharton school who are on track to take over Wall street. These guys are likewise husband material. They are the boys who received 2350′s on their SAT. They are also known for ruining others’ chances of getting into Medical School and being the cutthroat, business savvy men we all see ourselves marrying.
They read the news, do not find themselves absolutely clueless regarding world events and are well versed in many different subjects. They are articulate and persuasive to the point where they can convince you to take the cheese off that burger you just ordered – it is not kosher!
They are family oriented
Jewish boys are known to be extremely family oriented. Whether it is a Shabbat dinner or dancing around to a ridiculously catchy Hava Nagila, the Jewish community comes together for every religious tradition. Jewish boys are also known to be very caring husbands – they have been taught to take care of their women, in and out of the bedroom. So most Jewish men know what they are doing, even without any foreskin.
As ex-RHONY’s very own yenta, Jill Zarin liked to remind us that “Jewish men make the best husbands.” Many of them have siblings they share protective bonds with and stand for their family more than their hardline politics on the Israeli-Palestinian Conflict.
They are big hearted, caring, momma’s boys. At the end of the day, reciprocate the well-honed familial skills that their parents fostered in them. They kiss the mezuzah, and make sure to kiss their mothers right after every time they enter their home. This is a quality you want them to have.
They are rich
Most of us women would suffer through Ari Gold’s antics for his million-dollar net worth any day, or marry Adam Levine’s sultry voice and platinum records. These famous Jewish men had the drive to make careers for themselves, something we admire in the search for our next husband. For the Jews who are affluent, they have no problem spending their money on diamonds, dinners and destination vacations for their current girlfriend.
They pull out all the stops: some flaunt it while others indulge in their wealth in more subtle ways. They take their money, invest, and use their smarts to develop empires for themselves – we are talking to you, NYC mayor Michael Bloomberg. Safe to say – whether or not they are inside traders – we will stand by our filthy rich Jewish men any day.
The Bar and Bat Mitzvahs
Who doesn’t love a great Bar or Bat Mitzvah? Depending on the family, you will experience a great luncheon to follow the service that is filled with the best bagels, cream cheese and lox that money can buy in New York. The day is topped off with a rager of a party, filled with great food, dancing, open bars and large men lifting up people in chairs. If you are lucky as a kid, you will receive a dope sweatshirt or an mp3 player; rather than the boring and cliché drawstring-bagged party favor.
Whether you are a guest or part of the family, you have the best excuse to buy a new dress, heels and have your hair and make up done to party all night long. Even the worst Bar and Bat Mitzvahs can’t mess up a good knish or a Hebrew National pigs in a blanket.
A good sense of humor
Famous comedians Adam Sandler, Andy Samberg and even Rabbi Goldenstein, from Temple Beth-El, all have a great sense of humor that keep us smitten and entertained. Jewish boys have a great sense of humor, especially with their own humility. They are some of the best at making puns, and can keep a girl entertained with their comedic ways in case their looks are desperately lacking.
See one of our favorite Jews, Seth Rogen, in Knocked Up. If you have not hysterically laughed from our other favorite, Sacha Baron Cohen, then you seriously need to rent Da Ali G Show.
They tend to like their own kind
Many Jewish men are forced to prefer other Jewish women. Jewish parents take relationships seriously; they hope that their sons will follow tradition by marrying, or at least dating someone with the same religion. So Jewish parents have the tendency to be picky – their moms are hard to win over.
Ultimately, they will send their son on his Birthright in hopes that he will find a Jewish beau. A Jewish mother will send off her girls to GW in hopes that she will find the Jewish love that she pictured them being married to since the second she conceived.
If you are not Jewish, and find that you want to make your Jewish boyfriend your husband, be prepared to acquiesce to conversion. Not all of them will force you to switch your religion; but if Charlotte York did it for the bald Harry Goldenblatt, you can too.
Jewish boys can either be hit-or-miss when it comes to their looks. There are sometimes a Jake Gyllenhaal with blue eyes and olive skin tone, or the dorky-yet-cute Jewish boys like Adam Brody. Then there are the Jesse Eisenberg’s who remind us that we do not want our children to inherit the Cory Matthew-esque curls or Adrien Brody’s beak.
They are also known to be short. If they are lucky, they will barely hit the six-foot mark. This small trait may even translate somewhere else as well. We would rather the rare blue-eyed boys, leaving the hybrid children of Chewbacca for more practical suitors.
They are cheap
When you head to the deli and pick up your favorite 99-cent bag of Doritos, you will usually tell the cashier to keep the penny in change. But not these boys. Jewish boys are taught at a young age to save every dollar, dime and speck of dust that they can find. Granted, they do end up becoming successful financiers. But the Jewish man can be greedy for more money as well. Just look at Bernie Madoff.
Girls want to be taken out to nice romantic dinners, somewhere with dim lighting, good food and prices on a menu that do not mimic our struggling GPAs. These boys are inclined to take us to their favorite Shwarma restaurant where their older sister previously dated the owner, just so they do not have to pay for the meal. If they do not find splurging on their girlfriends appropriate, then why would a girl invest her time in them?
The sheltered brats
Heschel or Solomon Schechter – if you read both of those two names and immediately knew they were schools then you know exactly about the guys we are talking about. The Jewish boys who display a sheltered disposition are usually uncultured brats who hail from some of the best Jewish prep or private schools. They have traveled either from their brownstones, or their suburban homes.
Just like their mothers, they complain a lot and they have some of the worst attitudes when they become frustrated. For the guys, this tends to happen when they do not win their Ultimate Frisbee competition. When school is out, they pack their favorite Birkenstocks and Yarmulkes to head to Camp Ramah. This is for the less religious, Long Island Jews – Tyler Hill, Timberlake or Timberlake West.
Their sense of entitlement
Some Jewish boys have a sense of entitlement that comes off worse than their pungent odor after playing a pick-up game of squash at the NYAC. They believe that they deserve the best. This is an attitude that is not admirable, and usually comes off as snotty.
We do not know where it comes from. But it may stem from their Jeweler fathers who have handed them everything from their first Tiffany rattle at birth to their first Range Rover. Or maybe it comes from the fact that they think they make cargo shorts, sandals with socks and tie-dye tank tops trendy. Regardless of what it is, cut the attitude, guys.
Closing thought –
Jewish boys are all over the spectrum: they can either be ridiculously good looking or creatures; they can either be penny-saving addicts or yacht owning financiers. Either way, if you are investing in a Jewish boy, you are not investing in a total loser. If you are someone who is good with parents, we suggest finding a Jewish beau – if their parents approve of you, then you are golden for the rest of your relationship.
Patience is definitely needed, whether you choose the know-it-all snob with good looks, or the dorky guy with the great sense of humor. They will most likely be cheap about their money, but it is usually around the millions that they are being cheap about. With a little convincing, you can find yourself wearing a new pair of Louboutins when walking into temple for Eli Cohen’s Bar Mitzvah.
Last thought, stay away from all Jewish guys that are Persian and from Great Neck they are the root of all evil. I’m a girl, trust me I know what I’m talking about.
Disclaimer: This is an OPINION, and just a PERSONAL EXPERIENCE of ONE of our team members. We obviously cannot generalize an entire race, ethnicity, or religion. And besides, this is purely satirical. Relax.