This Device Helps You Get In The Mood For Sex When You're Not Feeling It

"Who doesn't want to have their vagina suckled like a horny baby piglet?" I thought to myself as I began unwrapping the Fiera, a device that's specifically designed to increase arousal.

The Fiera is not a vibrator. I have experience using a vibrator. This is a sex toy for the woman who is just not feeling sex rn, you know? We've all been there. Sometimes you really want to want to have sex, but you just can't get there in your head. Fiera is the thing that will bridge the gap. This is supposed to get you ~ready~ for that dick.

The press release refers to this as a toy for “before-play," aka "the moment you may not be in the mood, but want to be."

The Fiera works by "stimulat[ing] blood flow in the clitoris and encourage[ing] vaginal lubrication, helping to build excitement for and elevate intimate experiences with your partner." In short, it makes you horny by doing stuff to your vagina.

I told bae that we were going to try it, and he laughed at me. He was like, "When are you ever not in the mood?" And truth be told, yeah, I'm pretty consistently horny. I mean, consider what I do for a living. It's not like I could write about blowjobs and anal sex all day without a healthy libido.

So, why did I want to try it? Full disclosure: I've been having problems getting wet lately.

I still have a ton of sex, but it takes a long time to get wet because my head gets ahead of my body. My head says "GO!" but my body says "NO!" As a result, my partner and I have had to use a lot of lube lately to get down and dirty. It's annoying because, as any girl knows, you end up touching your hair with a lube-covered hand and it's all over for you. So I hoped the Fiera could help me.

Before I got the Fiera, I wasn't 100 percent sure what it actually was. The description from the press release referred to it as a "pleasure arousal tool" or some sh*t. What does that even mean? As far as I'm concerned, an elbow is a pleasure arousal tool. A cucumber could be a pleasure arousal tool.

The one thing I gleaned from the directions on the actual box was that this thing does not give you an orgasm. When I opened it, however, it did give me a visceral, grossed-out reaction.

The design is pretty grotesque. I'm not saying vaginas are grotesque. Vaginas are great. I'm saying that I feel a toy or "instrument" (since this is not a toy; it's a tool) should be aesthetically pleasing. But this looks like a salmon sashimi roll. I'm not kidding. It has a reddish pink top that hangs over a white base like the discount rolls I get at this place on 26th street. Not anything any girl wants to think about.

Fiera Personal Care Device, $199, Amazon

The front part of Fierra has three interlacing pieces of salmon-pink plastic that move against your clit and "ignite your pleasure."

When you turn it over, it gets really scary. It literally looks like a pussy. Or the Sarlacc pit from Star Wars.

This puppy also retails for $199, so it's more expensive than most high-quality vibrators, and vibrators actually get you off. But I guess if you're really having trouble getting aroused and want to save your sex life, no price is too high.

Getting this show on the mothaf*cking road

I followed the instructions for the Fiera, putting on the plastic top that goes over the scary mouth.

According to the directions, you only get 2-3 uses per plastic top and then it needs to be replaced. Mine came with only one, so right off the bat I'm thinking, "You've already paying $250 for this; shouldn't it last? Why should you have to buy a bunch of new plastic heads like a razor set?"

If there's one thing I like about my sex toys, it's their longevity. They're an investment.

I applied lube to the plastic top, per instructions, and turned it on. It stayed in place quite well and was easy to put on. The pressures and modes changed on their own throughout the experience.

What was amazing was how insanely wet I got after 8 minutes or so. It felt like I was wearing a very, very mild vibrator -- a sort of surface clit stimulator.

Bottom line, it does what it is supposed to. It makes you f*cking horny.

Valentine's Day weekend

What better way to test a sex toy than reading an Emily Giffin novel while you do so? "Any way other than that would be better!" some might say, but not me!

The Fiera doesn't actually start doing its thing until you attach it to your vag. I spent like a solid five minutes figuring that out.

Anyway, the Fiera definitely awakened my desire in a big, weird way. It goes on a low buzz for the first three minutes or so and then moves into a pulsing, hammer against your clit. Not in a painful way, more like a heartbeat.

It definitely doesn't suckle you like I originally suspected. It's not trying to emulate oral sex. A way to describe it is that feeling you get when you're wearing really tight jeans and your clit keeps bumping against the zipper when you move positions.

It also just really made me think about sex. If an orgasm were a thunderstorm, the Fiera would feel like the thunder in the distance before it comes; you hear it, and you feel the rumble in the ground, but it isn't quite on top of you yet.

I found that you'll benefit the most from the Fiera if you sit halfway up with your back against some pillows and your knees spread and bent.

Bae was doing some last-minute work while I was chilling reading my book with this strapped to my clit under the fluffy, white comforter.

After six minutes of the Fiera on my clit, I was raring to go. It kind of hits you all at once. One minute I was like, "I like to read my book." And then I was suddenly like, "I need dick, and I need it now."

Conclusions

On the one hand, The Fiera is expensive AF while needing replacements for the plastic covering. That part of it annoys me almost as much as how f*cking ugly it is.

But ultimately I get it. The Fiera is just mechanical arousal. I really do understand what this is for, why it works and who would need it.

A woman's sexual health is imperative. The Fiera is doing great things simply by recognizing that, you know? If you're having a lot of trouble getting in the mood, this is the thing. It will help you awaken that motherf*cking desire. And as a feminist, and a horny bitch, I'm all for anything that improves a woman's sexual satisfaction.

Fiera Personal Care Device, $199, Amazon