Forever Young: The Signs We Haven’t Grown Up And Never Want To

Forever Young: The Signs We Haven’t Grown Up And Never Want To
Women

Welcome back, ladies and gentlemen to another one and only Tuesday!

For some of the more unfortunate victims of today’s wrath, you are dreading yours truly because it means you have a to-do list that now includes everything you neglected to accomplish since Saturday (i.e. food shopping, work, pilates).

Ironically, the most strung-out of us are actually looking forward to Monday because we have been so whipped, so defeated from yet another raucous weekend that we welcome being a person again. We haven’t exactly been behaving like humans in a while.

We aren’t on the fast track to growing up in this world. And we’re okay with it. If “Forever Young” worked for Bob Dylan and Jay Z, it can work for us too, right?

Hands permanently shaking from withdrawal? Sleep, caffeine or otherwise… YOLO! Just remembering meeting that guy from Saturday? …It’s only because you found his business card in your pocket. Feeling worse today than you did recovering on Sunday? You’re not alone.

We might not be anywhere closer to acting our age, but who says we need to?

Don’t ask us to give up cereal for dinner or “The Lion King” soundtrack in the shower. Here are the signs that we aren’t growing up anytime soon:

You haven’t heard what your real voice sounds like since 2008

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Too many late nights and untreated cold seasons have left our voices permanently raspy like Sophia Bush. You rationalize the scratchiness by saying that it sounds sexy, when in reality, it sounds like our balls just dropped 10 octaves along with our vocal chords. You don’t have a pack-a-day habit? You could have fooled us!


You think microwave Trader Joe’s is gourmet

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Maybe the state of your kitchen is too scary to bake in or maybe you don’t know how to ignite the stove. Does the soup count as home-cooked if it was made by our friend Amy?


You wear your underwear inside out because it was laundry day two days ago

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This is different from the times you wear it inside out not on purpose (which happens to the best of us, grown-up or not!). Laundry day is when we learn to get really crafty – sleep shirts double as tunics over leggings, cardigans from three years ago suddenly become in style again.


You’re using assorted paper goods as toilet paper

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First it was the actual cardboard roll, now it’s on to the tissues and cotton balls. You still can’t get a dog because you can barely take care of yourself.


Taking out the trash means moving your bedroom garbage to the kitchen garbage

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Is it just us, or do you also feel a little anxiety when you throw out your trash into an overflowing can? Not like that will stop you from looking the other way…


“Scandal” is your version of current events

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The show has everything you need to know about the fictitious country’s current state of affairs. So what if it’s not huge on foreign policy? That’s what “Downton Abbey” is for!


You can’t remember what you did when you left work Friday

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The sad part is it probably wasn’t anything that eventful, like feeding your cat or stopping by the clothing store, except the fact that you can’t remember it is what is troubling. You thought you only blacked out Friday night, not Friday.


You promise yourself you’ll “be healthy” this week

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After a weekend consumption of Chinese and fried food, you promise yourself this week you’ll start eating better. Your new diet consists of Cape Cod chip crumbs and lots of hot sauce.


You purchase books to become an intellectual, but only end up reading “The Hunger Games”

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The intent was there! That’s what counts! And at least you’ll be able to compare and contrast the movie with the book better than your fourth grade “Pride and Prejudice” paper.


You lock yourself in your house because you can’t spend money, but this really turns into a $50 delivery tab

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Self-control was never your strong suit. Food is a necessity, so this type of spending doesn’t really count. Plus you don’t cook (see: above).


Your idea of culture is the pop kind

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Antiquing is watching Freddie Prinze Jr. on repeat and becoming more cultured is listening to Macklemore on Spotify. Even though you have vague plans to check out the museum, exhibition, gallery or otherwise, AMC Loews and Netflix take precedence. It’s a different kind of art, okay?


You took a perfume shower this morning

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This goes hand-in-hand with asking your roommate if she has any extra baby powder. We’ll take a shower, just hold the water.


An early night means drinking at only one bar

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Wow! Congrats! You still managed to stay out past 1 am, bought so many rounds you know the bartender’s life story and made out in the taxi ride home. You’ve really matured a lot since college.


Your shirt is 100% sniff test approved clean

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Who cares if you took it from the floor? That means it has a least one extra wearing before it hits the hamper.


Your eyes are puffy and you can see your cheeks in your peripheral vision

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The amount you really drank is starting to take visible effect on your face. Inside promise to cut back and not be so wild next week. Yeah, right.

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Laura Argintar

Laura Argintar is an experienced writer, comedienne and low-key science nerd. Listed among her achievements are performing stand-up throughout New York City, graduating from the University of Michigan with a Bachelor of Science and being the first woman in history to twerk at a 2 Chainz concert. LARG – as her friends call her – enjoys covering women’s topics, watching celebrities self-destruct and rising to any occasion.

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