It’s that time of the year again: haircut time. This is the worst day of any female’s year, and if you say you look forward to a haircut, you must have mid-back-length hair — and because of that, I can’t stand you.
Getting a haircut brings its own unique set of anxieties that no amount of weed inhalation or anti-anxiety medication can eliminate. You know you aren’t even going to begin to accept your new look for a couple of weeks because that’s really when it starts to settle in.
Getting a haircut is just one paradox I can’t seem to wrap my mind around. Please, someone just explain to me why I need to get a haircut in order for my it to grow.
I get that you have to get rid of the dead ends so your hair will grow, but your it grows from the roots, not the ends! This makes no sense to me whatsoever, but alas this is one of life’s mysteries that females must accept.
But why does this appointment give your annual gyno appointment a run for its money? Well…
1. It feels like an eternity
It should only take 30 minutes max for a woman to get a haircut… including the blow dry that follows.
But for some reason, it feels as if we are sitting in the chair for hours, watching in agony as the scissors disappear behind our heads.
You can’t even pass the time on your phone because it seems rude since she won’t stop talking to you.
Your hair is covering your face anyway, so you sit perfectly still while doing absolutely nothing except praying that you don’t come out looking like a British man.
2. The hairdresser never listens to you
Why does the hairdresser ask what you want done if she’s going to completely disregard your opinion anyway?
To her, a dusting means chopping off six inches of your precious hair, leaving you helpless and utterly devastated. Once the damage is done, there is no fixing it.
You try and express your concerns, but it doesn’t matter how loud you yell, she can’t hear you over the blow dryer. Ever wonder the reason she doesn’t respond and just nods instead? That is exactly why.
She has done the damage, and there is no way to repair it — except to overdose on Biotin (a habit that will last approximately three days).
3. You’ve been scarred from a past experience
…And have been wearing hair extensions for the past four years to make up for it. Seriously.
There is always that one hair incident that caused you to leave the salon in tears. Who am I kidding? That’s me every single time I get a haircut.
This experience has shaped your view and regardless if you have gotten a great haircut since then, your mindset will still not change.
Haircuts will still scare you sh*tless, and you will feel anxiety for days preceding the event.
4. You just see all the hair falling to the floor and have absolutely no idea what is happening
What is going on back there? I can see your arms going to town in the mirror, but I can’t figure out what you’re doing back there.
You watch the floor as more and more of your hair finds its new home there. Your precious locks that took you years to grow are now scattered on the ground, and you watch in frustration as the assistant comes and sweeps it away only to be deposited in the trash.
5. When the hairdresser can hear you, the small talk is the worst
My job is a job, my friends are good, my family is fine and YES, I AM STILL SINGLE.
I really appreciate the reminder and know you just want to talk about yourself, but I am not falling for this trick again. The nail lady tried it last week and it was even more insulting then.
Small talk is the worst since you know you wouldn’t voluntarily be having this conversation if it were to take place anywhere else.
Unfortunately, you are stuck sucking up because you are literally at the mercy of her fingertips.
6. You feel as if you are being judged mercilessly
I know I have split ends, that is why I am here woman. I spend every f*cking morning trying to tame these little f*ckers with a straightener.
Yes, I know I am adding to the problem, but don’t you see my dilemma here?
“Well we should really cut a lot off, there’s a lot of damage here…” “I’ll keep my split ends, thank you very much, one inch max!”
Photo Courtesy: We Heart It