Ghosted: The Classic Texting Mistakes That Will Never Earn You A Response

I was introduced to the word “ghosted” over dinner with a girlfriend last week and I must admit I’ve been pretty enthralled with it ever since. Let me explain:

In my never-ending quest for total self-destruction, I decided to start up a relationship with a neighborhood pal. (Using the word “relationship” is probably the first thing wrong with this whole story.) After a period of deliberate encounters and text message exchanges, he suddenly and abruptly stopped responding to my advances.

“Damn lady. You got ghosted,” said my friend as she delightfully clinked my cocktail glass.

I could infer from the highly descriptive term what it meant. It’s when a man or woman whom you’ve been seeing over a drawn out period of time stops answering your calls and/or responding to your texts.

There are two players involved. The Ghoster, who lures his prey with promises of long summer sunsets, wearing plush knit sweaters in only neutral tones (come on, you know which kind I’m talking about) and open-ended plans like “grabbing drinks.”

And then there’s The Ghostee who consistently brought her A-game and refrained from saying anything too weird and has absolutely no idea why she’s receiving the silent treatment.

Possible reasons include: death in the family, death in the workplace or death of The Ghoster himself.

“I’ve been replaying our past interactions over and over again. Honestly, a ‘you suck’ would have been better,” I responded while taking a big gulp of said cocktail.

Despite completely hating the actual act, “ghosted” happens to be pretty genius terminology. I’m not entirely sure what I personally did to deserve this kind of excommunication (was it the drunkenly-slipped insinuation that he might be gay?), but I do know that these cardinal rules of conversation will, in fact, get you ghosted.

Here are the classic behaviors that will -- for sure -- leave you ghosted.

Texting multiple times in a row

It’s a vicious cycle, really. The longer you go without a response, the more you feel you need to make up for the ever-growing silence. Spam-texting is not unlike a nervous laugh, you can’t help yourself and so you just keep going.

Being too available

Girls and guys alike can smell when their partners are desperate. Go into airplane mode, turn off your signal and chill out for a while.

Post 3 AM summons

Incessantly begging for us to come over to no avail isn’t going to warrant a response the next morning, or ever. If you can only communicate past midnight, there’s no chance you’ll be seeing her in the daylight.

Using the wrong name

We get that clubs can be loud and names get confused, but calling him by the wrong name after date three and two cuddle sessions? That’s a deal-breaker.

Consistently asking for ‘pics’

This isn’t OKCupid, or an AOL chatroom for that matter. If you want pictures, troll Instagram.

Accidentally texting something about him... to him

Here’s how you spin it: Be flattered that you were on my mind! I’ve missed you! Drinks this week?

Cue: ghosting.

Disproportionate ratio of paragraphs

Wait, there shouldn’t even be paragraphs if you’re texting with each other. Save that chatter for in-person conversations. If one party thinks this is D.E.A.R time (Drop Everything And Read) and the other is replying like a sullen teenager, then it’s looking like a ghost situation.

Dick pics

We should clarify: only unsatisfactory ones. Or creepy Mr. Harvey kind. Those don’t bode well either.

Using any of the following words too soon:

“Mami”; “Baby”; “Relationship”; “Love”; “Anal”

Obsessing about the date

Save the obsessions for brunch with your besties. We know we’re awesome, you don’t need to tell us how much fun you had 30 times in a row.

Too many emoticons

We don’t speak in smileys. Using too many emoticons feels like you’re trying to hide something. Like the fact that you’re a total creep.

Too many selfies

Maybe just refrain from pictures all together is really what we’re getting at. Until we get to know each other a little better at least and then the chances of ghosting decrease greatly.

Being Laura Argintar

This is a surefire way to get yourself ghosted.

Inconsistent texting

If it’s going to take you four hours to respond to each message, maybe don’t actually have your phone directly in your hand for your story to be more plausible.

It’s not cool anymore to take the entire day to reply to “Chocolate or vanilla?” You’re not playing hard-to-get, you’re playing hardly-getting-any.

No service emergency

Thank you for letting us know you have no service. I wonder how that was even possible.

Photo via We Heart It