The Perfect Gift Guide For Every Guy Who Dumped You

Revenge is a dish best served during cold weather.

Not even a “Men in Black”-style Neuralyzer can erase that time your cowardly ex-boyfriend forced his bro to do the actual breaking up with you.

Now is the perfect time for some playful payback. They say kill your exes with kindness, amiright?

Sure, it’s pretty petty to send gag gifts to the ghosts of your past dinner dates. But, the guys who f*cked up are due for a little proverbial coal in their stockings.

Instead of crying to the sounds of Amy Winehouse in your unicorn slippers, bask in holiday cheer at a f*ckboy’s expense.

1. A vicious Twitter rant.

For the guy who dumped you over a two-word text message: “We’re done.”


2. A middle finger emoji.

For the guy who friend zoned you and proposed to his ex-girlfriend in the same week.


3. A toy calculator.

For the guy who insisted on going dutch after the second date.


4. A bag of Sour Patch Kids.

For the Gemini guy whose mood changed every few hours.


5. A thumb strengthener.

For the guy who preferred to play video games rather than going to your holiday office party.


6. A d*ck mug.

For the asshole who was a total d*ck during your entire relationship.


7. A $1 gift card.

For the guy who was too broke to buy you a decent birthday gift.


8. A dry erase wall calendar.

For the guy who forgot your one-year anniversary.


9. A stack of Monopoly money.

For the narcissistic guy who always bragged about his Wall Street salary.


10. A bag of sh*t.

For the guy who said “It’s not you, it’s me” after three years of cross-country visits and Facetime sex.


11. A waist trainer.

For the asshole who always commented on your weight and monitored your meals.


12. A Keep Calm t-shirt.

For the guy who always got insanely jealous when you’d eat lunch with your work husband.


13. A deck of tarot cards.

For the guy who said he never saw a future with you.


14. A toy telephone.

For the guy who told his best friend to dump you in his place.


15. A couple “Love Means Never Having To Say You’re Sorry” wall decals.

For the guy who constantly f*cked up, then purchased “I’m sorry” gifts.


16. A copy of Kaplan’s “Anatomy Coloring Book.”

For the one minute man who never let you finish.


17. A “Get Well Soon” card.

For the guy who just can’t get over you.


18. A pin to your current location.

For the guy who ghosted you after six months.


19. A lighted mirror.

For the guy who always took longer than you did to get ready.


20. The “Send My Love (To Your New Lover)” single from Adele’s new album.

For the guy who’s dating a chick who looks just like you.

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Niki McGloster

Contributor

Niki McGloster is a Maryland native living and Draking in NYC. Seriously, bios freak her out.
Niki McGloster is a Maryland native living and Draking in NYC. Seriously, bios freak her out.

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