Never Get Caught: The Guide To Being An Undercover Hoe

Never Get Caught: The Guide To Being An Undercover Hoe
Women

If a girl sleeps with thirty dudes and no one hears about it, will she ever be called a slut? The problem with promiscuous women is that they keep getting caught. Guys absurdly get away with so much more because they are very good at hiding the extent of their sexual escapades.

Yesterday, we wrote about how to tell your friend to stop being a slut. But, in reality, we should have titled it “How To Tell Your Friend To Stop Being Called A Slut.” We’re all for women sleeping with as many people as they want, as long as she doesn’t develop a negative reputation or use sex for self-validation. Which is why it’s important to understand how to be a shady hoe – if no one knows your business, then no one is going to talk smack, and you’re still able to score.

Seriously, a girl who has a lot of sex but doesn’t kiss and tell has got to be the most diesel woman. Being a shady hoe means that you’re on top and you’re in control. You’re winning the game. You’ve got the best of both worlds and yet, you’re the only one who owns it. Is there anything more powerful than knowing that you’re playing a ton of guys and they have no idea? Talk about Girl Power.


Don’t Keep Messages on Your Cellphone

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In 2013, the number one way people get caught is through their cellphones. Doesn’t matter if you have a lock or password, if someone is digging for sh*t, they will find it. Be careful about what you leave in your messages. A text saying, “I want you so badly. Come over now,” is incriminating. It’s even more incriminating when it comes from the multiple men you’re sleeping with. Curious lovers will undoubtedly discover those, screen shot them, and then your cover is blown.


Make Peace With Your Doorman

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Keep your prowling on the hush hush. If you’re good to your doorman, he won’t blow up your spot as you stumble home drunk with a rando dude on your arm. And there won’t be any shameful glances when you’re still wearing your heels on Thursday morning.


Don’t Check-In Booty Calls on Foursquare

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The jig is up on that one. Being the ‘Mayor’ of Matt and Jessie and Andrew’s apartments will easily be interpreted as the ‘Mayor of Dick.’


Use Aliases for Contacts

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If one of your men is named Steven, put him in your cellphone contacts as “Stephanie.” That way, if someone spots you texting or if you violate Rule Number One (see above), you can nonchalantly pass it off like you’re talking to a girlfriend. And, it won’t seem like you’re trolling for cock when all your phone calls are from women.


Don’t Keep Too Many “Borrowed” Clothing Items

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Definitely keep that oversized, cuddly sweatshirt though. All else must be purged. You’ve got to think like a shadster and throw away any and all evidence. Or better yet, don’t take it with you when you leave their houses.


Get Out Of The Picture

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The dead giveaway to your expertly plotted plan will be that photo of you sucking face in the distant background at an undisclosed location. Do whatever you can to avoid any pictures capturing where and with who you were. There’s a time and place for selfies — and it isn’t while you two are snuggling in the sheets.


All Cash Everything

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Credit cards leave a paper trail. Pay for that 5 a.m. cab ride home in cash, and your harem of men will be none the wiser.


Don’t Catch an STD or a Baby

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Be safe and take care of yourself because no one else will. The life of a hustler is not without risks. Be on the lookout for any suspicious activity in his pants and always use protection. The one thing guaranteed to end your fun is a baby…or crabs. Or baby crabs.


Dodge Social Media

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This means no dick pics. Don’t even try to get away with Snapchat either. Too often we forget that location is posted with tweets, statuses and Instagram photos. Keep your sexual prowess separate from social media.


Don’t Double Dip in the Same Social Circle

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The same way we talk to our girlfriends about our sexual encounters, guys do too. And they might even be more graphic than we are. If you hook up with two friends, be prepared to have a detailed description of your body sent around their email chain.

Top Photo Courtesy: VK

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Laura Argintar

Laura Argintar is an experienced writer, comedienne and low-key science nerd. Listed among her achievements are performing stand-up throughout New York City, graduating from the University of Michigan with a Bachelor of Science and being the first woman in history to twerk at a 2 Chainz concert. LARG – as her friends call her – enjoys covering women’s topics, watching celebrities self-destruct and rising to any occasion.

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