You know what scares me the most about having a child? It’s not that I will have some alien-like thing growing inside of me, taking up my nutrients and eating my food.
It’s not being in labor indefinitely, or the pain that comes from pushing a baby out of my body.
It’s not raising a child and hoping it doesn’t end up like Donald Trump, Ted Bundy or Voldemort.
I’m more concerned about what will happen to my vagina.
Okay, I know it sounds like a silly thing in comparison to ensuring my kid doesn’t become a mass murderer. But, bear with me.
When I do end up having children, I plan on having more than one.
I’ve heard about the scary things pushing out a baby does to your lady bits. The child can tear it, stretch it in a weird way or — if any complications arise — do things that only belong in horror movies.
To all current and wannabe mothers out there, we’re not telling you not to love your post-baby vagina. It was the scene of a gory miracle.
However, if you're thinking about giving it a bit of R&R, or you want to get ahead of the trend, there are some interesting options out there for you.
Here are all the ways you can add some oomph to your sex life post-baby.
Addyi
If you’re unfamiliar with Addyi, you shouldn't be. It’s the female version of Viagra.
It was a pill created to enhance a premenopausal woman’s sex drive. Or, you can just look at photos of Adam Rodriguez in “Empire.” Your call.
Splurge if: You haven’t gotten a lady boner since the first "Magic Mike."
Vaginoplasty
If it sounds like plastic surgery, that’s because it is. A vaginoplasty is a reconstructive procedure for the vaginal canal and the structures surrounding it. Basically, it’s like you’re paying for a brand spankin’ new vajayjay.
In some circles, the process is called vaginal rejuvenation or a vaginal facelift. I’m not sure why, but that name freaks me out more than just calling it a vaginoplasty.
Splurge if: Your hoo-ha is more in need of refurbishing than the houses on "Extreme Makeover: Home Edition."
FemiLift
If you feel like your baby made you a bit loosey-goosey down there, you might be interested in a FemiLift. It’s been touted as a gym for your vagina, which sounds absolutely terrifying and will make me want to avoid the gym at all costs for the rest of my life.
In short, the procedure is meant to tighten your vagina. Or, you know, just do your Kegels. Whichever.
Splurge if: You start referring to your vagina as a “canyon."
The O-Shot
Any guesses for what the “o” stands for?
The shot is meant to treat sexual dysfunction and stimulate the vagina to boost your orgasms.
How? By drawing your own blood! Let’s just call it a vampire facial for your coochie.
This is apparently a big thing for “maturing women.” A gift certificate for one was even included in an Academy Awards gift bag. I wonder if J.Lo used hers.
Splurge if: The last time you orgasmed was when Miley was still Hannah Montana.
