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This Hormone Horoscope App Predicts Exactly How You're Going To Feel Every Day

I know I'm not the only one who feels like womanhood is a lifelong roller coaster ride I keep begging God to let me off of.

Even though I like to think of myself as a forward-looking, problem-solving type of person, estrogen still has the ability to take everything I like about myself and set it on fire.

A year ago, I decided I needed to do something about this, and luckily, I came across a very handy app called Hormone Horoscope.

Being both an avid lover of astrology and a practitioner of hormonal cage fighting, I naturally downloaded the ISH out of this app.

Needless to say, it's changed my life.

Checking my hormonal horoscope every morning and being able to predict literally every aspect of my day — from my mood to my cravings, to my spending habits — has given me the patience to persevere in the horrible fate that is being a woman.

(But clearly, the app hasn't changed my attitude about it.)

How Your Period Affects Your Mood Every Day Of The Month

Another perk is, for the first time in my life, I have a better understanding of what is actually going on inside me, and it feels good to be knowledgeable about my body.

When I can't seem to get up from the couch before my period, I know it's because my estrogen has dropped, and my progesterone (the “nesting” hormone) is reaching an all-time high.

When I finally get my period and I automatically feel better, I know it's not just “relief,” but an actual rise in testosterone, which gives me the energy boost I need to compete in a world full of men.

To give you a glimpse into the app, on day two of your cycle, aka the second day of your period, here's what to prepare for:

You're likely experiencing some of your heaviest menstrual bleeding today, which can sap your physical and mental energy, making you want to cocoon at home or a favorite relaxing spot. Despite this, you may notice that compared to the past few days, the sun is shining a little more brightly, birds are singing a little more sweetly and your boss isn't a total jerk. That's rising estrogen's influence.

Nice! Just in time for the Women's March!

The app also gives you an idea of impulses you'll want to watch out for:

The small rise in this hormone is also making it a smidge easier to recall dates, names and other facts as it sharpens your memory. Luckily, you won't need any help remembering how to use your credit card. Spending is up as you treat yourself to silly, totally unnecessary items — like nail polish or a cupcake with rainbow sprinkles — as a way to combat period-related aches and fatigue.

So, if you're tired of being stuck on the carousel of madness that is owning a vagina, I'd suggest downloading this app.

Then again, if you like terrifying surprises and chaotic mood swings that make you yell, “HELLO!” a little too aggressively at your co-workers once a month, well, it's your life.

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Rosebud Baker

Editor

Rosebud Baker is a standup comic and writer in NYC. Follow her on Twitter, where she desperately seeks the approval of strangers, but will settle for just attention.
Rosebud Baker is a standup comic and writer in NYC. Follow her on Twitter, where she desperately seeks the approval of strangers, but will settle for just attention.

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