Dear Miley Cyrus, Please Stop Trying So Hard

Dear Miley Cyrus, Please Stop Trying So Hard
Women
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A cross between Scary Spice and Britney Spears with Gwen Stefani lipstick. Miley Cyrus, it was really nice knowing you. You really had us there with your “Party In The USA” hit, which will always be a favorite at weddings and on road trips alike, especially among the dudes.

You had such promise, Miley (cue Tracy Chapman acoustics). Liam is a fox. If the two of you don’t work out in the long run – as unfortunately, most Hollywood couples don’t (call us, of course) — we know you’ll look great getting low on Jared Leto.

Miley, you are now the next child star to bite the dust. We wonder if this could have been prevented? Were there any signs? Maybe we just need to say something blunt like, “Publicists, if you think your client is even slightly on drugs or just a little too over confident, don’t let them on live television.”

But instead we’ll just name names: pandas; panda tatas; twerking; fingering yourself and foaming your pants with a giant foam finger; stripping; twerking while stripping; twerking aggresively to make babies with Robin Thicke; forgetting that you wore couture in the remarkable September issue of Harper’s Bazaar; and did we mention blundering lyrics, along with a side of baby-making twerking?

I know that I’m a biased author and I have to disclose as such. It’s even in my bio on Elite Daily’s website that I love watching celebrity downfalls. And Miley’s raunchy, miss-the-mark performance was nothing short of splendid (sordid?) entertainment mixed with a lot of cringe-worthy, uncomfortable moments. I called my sister two seconds after I finished watching it live, and this is how the conversation went:

“Carr, are you watching the VMAs?”

“Whoa, Miley. That was a little weird.”

“Yes! Thank you!” I exclaim while stuffing my face with decadent sushi bites drenched in celebrity takedown victory. “I’m in the apt alone and am feeling like I’m the only one who thought that was kind of messed up. Miley made me feel uncomfortable. Like, I feel weird.”

“Yo, she was def on something really not okay.”

“Those unicorn horns.”

“The whole thing was uncalled for.”

“Yeah. Okay, got to eat my sushi. Call you next commercial break to discuss.”

My sister loves celebrity gossip. Want another fun fact? So does my mother. When we road trip to our lake house during summertime, there’s always three different magazines, all pop culture focused, waiting for all of us to read and to confer upon. We love it. We bond over it. We call each other at 6:45 in the evening while walking home from work, and we weigh in on whether Lamar Odom is an addict/cheater or how good J.Hud looked while performing “Same Love” at the VMAs. Celebrities are almost part of our family. ABC dramas are our version of quality time, and staying up-to-date on Us Weekly is as crucial as checking in with Grandma. And we delight in it.

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Miley’s performance at the VMAs was just another fun discussion I can’t wait to have with my mom and sister. It’s like my pop culture version of a college thesis paper. I even have example paragraphs to support my claim that Miley is another Disney failure such as, “Judd Apatow, a prominent comedy writer and director, is tweeting negative reviews of her show.” I received a college degree in brain behavior science and worked with lab rats for over two years, and yet here I am passionately confabulating on child stardom – Miley Cyrus, nonetheless. This is the world we live in today.

We can get so jaded by Hollywood drama that things like infidelity, anorexia and mental disorders are glamorized. What’s breaking one week is forgettable within minutes of the next preposterous story. Take the instance of Amanda Bynes’s admission to a psychiatric ward being relegated to the old news bin the moment Jennifer Lawrence has a new boyfriend (or sneezes). It really takes a narrative of earth-shattering proportions to be considered legendary these days. We can become so desensitized by the outlandish behaviors of over privileged celebrities that sometimes our own reality is skewed.

Considering this, we have no doubt that Miley Cyrus’s blunder will fade from our minds rather quickly until something equally or if not more scandalous occurs (does Liam finally call it quits?! We can only hope). She’ll be just fine. And even though my family and I won’t have Miley to chat about, we’ll 100 percent have another famous character to banter about and to offer our opinions on. Some staples include: Jack Antonoff of Fun! (Jack’s from our town — my mom is obsessed with him), SJPeePee, ‘Yonce and Anne Hathaway.

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I can’t help but also wonder if Miley’s trying-way-too-hard-for-attention performance was one of our own making? Perhaps she felt pressure to remain in the spotlight and this was the result? As a demanding audience, we’re hungry for the next showstopping spectacle, and maybe we pushed Miley too far to exceed our expectations? Or, probably she just needed to take a short break from the limelight until her next album release. Being everywhere is never a good thing — just ask Kate Moss when she was busted for cocaine back in 2005 — eventually you fall to the bottom.

Perhaps our love for celebrity gossip is a love/hate relationship. On the one hand, it’s kind of sad to watch Miley Cyrus fall from grace, but on the other hand, in the infamous words of Miley herself, “we can’t stop, and we won’t stop.” What’s important is that you keep doing you, girl — or whoever you are. There’s almost nothing we haven’t seen before.

For more on Miley, check out ‘The Onion Predicted Miley Cyrus’s Meltdown Five Years Ago

Photo credit: WENN

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Laura Argintar

Laura Argintar is an experienced writer, comedienne and low-key science nerd. Listed among her achievements are performing stand-up throughout New York City, graduating from the University of Michigan with a Bachelor of Science and being the first woman in history to twerk at a 2 Chainz concert. LARG – as her friends call her – enjoys covering women’s topics, watching celebrities self-destruct and rising to any occasion.

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