It’s Elementary: How To Understand Men By Using Math

It's okay if math was never your thing; there won't be a pop quiz. Think of this as the building blocks to understanding the fundamentals of men on a total kindergartener level.

We're applying mathematics' trusty logics and theorems to the practice of dating because nothing else makes sense anymore. (Wait, did we just say that math, of all subjects, is making the most sense to us?!)

Pay attention because it's going to appear on the final exam (side note: I've always wanted to say that).

Here's the mathematical approach to men:

2 > 1 < 0

“Two is greater than one and one is lesser than zero.” Following? Let's break it down.

The first part is fairly intuitive: Having two men to split your time with is much better than solely focusing on one.

When there's only one person, you're much more likely to become more mentally and emotionally involved because all your attention is fixated on him.

If you're swooning for him hard and he doesn't immediately text back, for example, having another guy in your back pocket takes the edge off quite nicely.

It's kind of like having a bomb appetizer with your savory entree — you're not starving by the time dinner arrives. And later, if you're lucky, you'll feel satisfied.

Now, here's where shizz gets a little cray; stay with me, here. I bet you're wondering, “Why would having zero guys be better than having one dude to cuddle while watching ‘House of Cards’?”

And that's because you and I both know that it's not just cuddling that will go on during a Frank Underwood aside.

There's the whole attachment component that, despite telling yourself you're not into him, escalates your emotional regard simply because he's the only guy in your life right now.

Before you really start confusing feelings and land in too deep, consider going back to zero, especially if you're not interested. It's all fun and games until someone is obsessing over what he meant by “I'm going out with some friends tonight.”

Or alternatively, you're super not into him and he's just bothering you immensely. You'd much rather have none instead of this mess.

1 + 1 = 2

…So please use some form of contraceptive! “Teen Moms” don't land endorsement deals anymore, now that Farrah Abraham is associated with the brand, so don't get any ideas, people.

The Associative Property

The Associative Property refers to the way we group things. For addition, a + (b + c) = (a + b) + c, meaning that if you are “b” and “a” and “c” are two roommates, hooking up with one is equally similar to hooking up with the other.

No matter how you group it, when you do it all under the same roof/parenthesis, it's bound to get confusing. So don't complicate the algorithm unless you want to see some subtraction — namely yourself, “b” — because “a” and “c” have been in the equation longer.

Isosceles Triangles make the best boyfriends

At least two sides of them are equal, but they still have one left that's just a little bit quirky. Isosceles boyfriends also have two equal angles, so they remain grounded and can support you when you need it most.

The area of his love for you is equivalent to half his base multiplied by his height.

There are even super special kinds of isosceles triangles, which means that when you meet an “equilateral” or well-rounded, fair type of guy, you know he’s rare.

a² + b² = c²

I must confess, I've always been a bit spatially challenged (I blame this on being left-handed, natch) and geometry was never my thing, but how cool would this be if it had any relevance to guys?

If A loves B, and B loves C, then A may or may not love C…

Not joking, this is fully an example of a mathematically sound nontransitive relation. And it makes sense because it works in a variety of scenarios:

– You are A, B is your crush and he loves your C*nty sorority sister.

– You are A, B is your crush and he secretly loves C*ck.

– You are A, B is your bestie and C is her new boyfriend.

– You are A, B is your new boy-toy and C is his cooking.

– A is your boyfriend, you are B, and you're totally Cheating.

Now go put your knowledge to the test.

Top Photo Courtesy: We Heart It

Laura Argintar