Men Attempt (And Fail) To Set Guidelines For First-Time Sexual Encounter

Breaking news: men are finally letting us know what they want from “first time” sex (as if they haven’t told us enough)!  Daily Mail published a list of six tips from men to women, letting us know what they “expect.” Thanks for the advice, dudes. Once we live up to these expectations, everyone’s sex life will magically improve! Eh, I don’t think so. The deed goes both ways. We know you don’t want us faking it either, so here’s a little reciprocation to your handy-dandy list.

 “ Give great oral sex: it's not only one of his favorite things, it shows you're as interested in giving as you are receiving pleasure.”

Okay so…when were we ever receiving all the pleasure? Statistics show that 80% of women have trouble reaching an orgasm from sex alone. How about YOU give great oral sex, and then we’ll talk.

“Be active: I'm not suggesting you bounce around the bed like a four-year-old who's just consumed their body weight in sweets, but please don't leave it up to him to make all the moves.”

First of all, if we just consumed our body weight in sweets, we probably won’t be having sex. We totally understand that you don’t want to have sex with a dead fish. Neither do we. So, in a slight retaliation, as much as we sometimes love being on top, this isn’t naptime for you.

“Not stress about your body: Hiding under the covers, insisting the lights are turned out -- you know the drill. Even if your thighs do look like orange peel (and do they really?) you're having sex with the man! Unless it's a one-night-stand, at some point he's going to have to see you naked. Get it over and done with: let him see everything first time around and you'll both feel better.”

Sorry, but this one really gets me. So they hold us up to standards of looking like Kate Upton naked, but then wonder why sometimes women are nervous to feel confident being naked in front of men? I’m all for being confident about the skin you’re in, but this advice from men? Please, just don’t go there.

“Not stress about his performance: First time sex can be intense and erotic but it's also highly charged with expectations. Both of you are nervous and eager for it to go well but a female's nerves are more easily hidden. (Seriously, who'd want a penis when it's such an obvious barometer of anxiety?) Two things are on the cards if he's nervous of performing: a lack of erection or premature ejaculation. How you react to either predicts how good sex will be for the two of you in the future. Treat it light-heartedly, don't make a big deal and let him know it's normal and you understand, and you're set for open, honest, communicative sex. Over-react, take it personally or make him feel bad about it and he'll be even more apprehensive next time around with disastrous results.”

Okay, so you’re giving us guidelines and criteria for what you expect from our first-time performance, and in those guidelines advising us that we shouldn’t “stress” about yours. Isn’t that convenient? We’re the ones who fake orgasms for your sake. Enough said.

“Let him know you're enjoying it: Listen, he's watched the odd episode of SATC and (if you're really lucky) Girls and maybe even picked up the odd sex book or two. He knows women fake it and it's not that easy to get everything right. Don't patronise him by pretending you like everything he does (unless of course you do!) but do let him know when he's doing something particularly well. A moan or 'ummmm' will do.”

We’ll gladly let out an "ummmmm!- ummm…you’re doing it wrong." Seriously, what if we genuinely aren’t enjoying any part of it, though? We should just pretened that we are? How will that ever lead to good sex in the future? Then he’ll keep doing the same sh*t the next time that didn’t work the first time and it’ll just be more awkward when you finally say “babe, I’ve been faking it. You’re really not good at that.”

“Save the post-sex emotional fallout for your friends: If he really doesn't want to know you now he's had his wicked way, you trying to find out if you're an item will be even more humiliating. If he really likes you, he (or you) will be in contact within a day or so to organise your next date. The more relaxed you are about the whole thing, the more smitten he'll be. Be affectionate and shoot a few meaningful looks so he knows it meant something (if indeed it did), but resist hanging onto his legs as he makes for the front door.”

This is the best one. Thank you, men, for insulting our intelligence. From the sound of the previous guidelines, I doubt we’d want anything to do with this guy after the first time anyway!