‘Stop Trying To Make SoulCycle Happen! It’s Not Going To Happen!’

SoulCycle: a place where skinny one-percenters congregate, and self-esteem goes to die. What began as a fulfilling workout in a low-key studio on the Upper West Side of Manhattan has now turned into a cultish nightmare phenomenon.

As if working out weren’t grueling enough, now we must subject ourselves to extreme body competition between neon-clad cyclers while an instructor, jacked-up on a mix of his own endorphins and copious amounts of protein powder, forces us to spin in hopes of going absolutely nowhere.

Sweating profusely while wondering how the anorexic in the front-row has more energy than we do to pedal — that sounds like a ton of fun! Since when did going to the good ol’ fashioned gym become a thing of the past? For all those who are anti-spinning, anti-paying extra for special shoes, and anti-overpriced Lululemon uniforms — we hear you!

We’re starting a soul-less revolution, and it feels even better than a 45-minute workout.

A Whopping 40 Bucks to Ride a Bike…That Doesn’t Go Anywhere

Being a SoulCycle douche doesn’t come cheap.

Running Into 100 People We Know and Having Sweaty, Annoying Stop-And-Chats

Are we really seeing our ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend attending class together? No, thanks.

Feeling Like We Have To Wear Trendy Workout Clothes

Since when did spinning become a fashion show?

No One Is Actually Out Of Shape or Overweight

Being the fattest person in the room is never fun.

24 Year Olds Wearing Engagement Rings So Big (To Class!?), We’re Knocked In the Face Every Time We Ride

But, why?

Teachers on Power Trips Because They Have B-List Celebs in Their Classes

We think you’re really cool because you taught Judy Greer (who?) how to ride a bike.

Acting Like Spinning Is A Religion

Relax, the founders (Julie Rice and Elizabeth Cutler) aren’t Buddha.

Registering Every Monday for Each Class

A waitlist to cycle? Stressful much?

Selling $88 Sweatshirts

Since when did the gym turn into Bloomingdales?

“Super Soul,” Which Costs As Much As a Down Payment on a House for “VIP Services”

Making an elite sport even more elitist, nice!

SoulCycle in the Hamptons, Scarsdale, Roslyn…Tri-State Area Takeover

Lucky us! Now we can ride next to our arch enemy’s mother and her obnoxious extended family!

Laura Argintar