You literally poop yourself.
We've heard the gross recounts of the behind-the-scenes parts about childbirth. We've heard the stuff about hormones turning you into a crazy woman.
We know that you get fat and swollen and it's not glamorous. And we've watched enough TLC horror shows (“I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant,” anyone?) to frighten us into celibacy.
We also hear that it's one of the most special times in your life, that nothing is as sacred or exciting or happy or whatever.
We have friends who can't wait to be pregnant.
The lube they once used for getting it on is now replaced by vitamin E for their stretch marks. They are the ones who rub pregnant ladies' bellies at parties, like they are friendly dogs on the sidewalk.
I am not one of those people. I'm not saying that I do not want children (I fully believe this world deserves and will benefit from more mini Laura Argintars); I'm saying that I definitely belong in the former group of individuals — the women who are actually terrified of giving birth.
Bring on the surrogate.
Despite what National Geographic has told me, pushing a seven-pound creature out of my vag doesn't seem natural at all.
I can barely lift a seven pound dumbbell during my workout class, let alone shove it out my itty bitty lady opening using solely my abs and willpower.
Based on this information alone, I know childbirth is currently not for me, or for many women like myself. But I try to tell myself that if Kim Kardashian can do it, so can I….
If we're going to be real here, just Googling “childbirth facts” skeeves me out.
Google suggests I use the words “childbirth videos” and “childbirth graphics.” Um, are you kidding me? I can use my imagination. It's horrifying enough. (Re: “childbirth classes nyc,” what are you trying to tell me Google? I'm fine, thank you.)
So I chicken out and resort to searching “childbirth facts.” It seems like a fair compromise. The process alone scares me; the pictures would haunt me. Who needs birth control when you have Google images, amiright?
Based on this latest research, pain is the last thing on my mind. Here's why you should be scared of childbirth.
1. Giving birth to your placenta
Once the fun part is over and your baby is outta there, surprise! You still have a giant blood-soaked organ to give birth to next. Imagine pushing not only a kid, but a goopy unidentifiable lump out of your body? Kind of like having twins except you can actually eat your placenta afterwards.
Although we can't understand how people have an appetite for an organ that eliminated your baby's waste and marinated in your uterus for nine months. Uterine lining is the new steak sauce.
2. Vagina facelift
The after effects of childbirth might be more horrifying than childbirth itself. “Once you give birth vaginally, the structure of your perineum and vagina change,” said Jessica Anderson, a certified nurse-midwife and the associate service director with The Center for Midwifery, University of Colorado Hospital.
“Typically, they go back to normal, but it’s a ‘new normal.'” You know how older women miss being young and naturally tight and fit? Perhaps they aren't referring to their waistlines…
3. Vaginal tearing
Get this one: In order to prevent vaginal tearing, in some instances the doctors will go ahead cut it themselves in a procedure known as an “episiotomy.”
According to the Mayo Clinic, it's a “an incision made in the perineum — the tissue between the vaginal opening and the anus — during childbirth.” Not only is this baby ripping through your vag, so is the doctor by way of scissors to your anus.
Let us ask you this: Do you like having sex? Do you want to keep liking having sex? Remember this little ditty and use condoms.
4. The umbilical cord
Just thinking about a snake-like thing protruding from your vagina is making me queasy. Then it's “clamped and snipped” like the adult-version of a Bris. Ugh, gross. But we're still left wondering: What happens to the other end? Does it just chill there? Do you suck it back up like a yo-yo?
Apparently, it doesn't contain any nerve-endings, so the clipping and snipping part doesn't really hurt. I guess it's like your baby's first haircut? Ugh, gross again.
5. You're not allowed to eat
Who would want to after witnessing all of this?
Originally, I thought you weren't allowed to eat because you poop yourself on the table and, well you know… But actually it's because of the possibility of having a cesarean section.
“If you’re under general anesthesia, doctors don’t want you to aspirate, or get food in your airways,” explained Dr. Shieva Ghofrany, an OBGYN with Stamford Hospital, to the Huffington Post. Okay, so maybe if you're doing it by C-section, there is a silver (uterine) lining: druuuuuuugs.
6. Soft alien baby heads
At the time of birth and for a few weeks after, a baby's head isn't shaped like a cute ball of hair and genius.
It's misshapen and has two soft spots called fontanels, which help shift and mold a baby's head to get through the birth canal. Mmm, dinner anyone?
7. The mucus plug
This is honestly as disgusting and petrifying as it sounds. Don't Google this one. It's basically a big vagina booger that clogs up your cervix to prevent the fluid in your uterus from spilling out.
When your “water breaks” your mucus plug is also released, causing you to relieve the thickest possible kind of discharge imaginable, like blowing your nose out of your vagina, sometimes lasting for days before your actual baby comes out. Consider this a warm-up for when the real thing happens.
8. You sh*t yourself
If all of these things don't already make you want to crap your pants, you will anyway. That constant pushing leads to another baby of the waste variety. Sadly, this might be the least of your worries.
Photo Courtesy: Fanpop
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