Making the rounds on the party circuit comes with an expiration date.
After countless rounds at the gilded bars, sore feet from ridiculous heels, and a reshuffling of priorities (cough quality time with “American Horror Story” cough), you’ve reached your threshold of Sam Smith remixes and well vodka.
We can no longer pretend to ignore the signs that our party girl lives are ending. Yes, this important chapter in our lives (you owe your confidence to many morning-afters strutting in aggressive clubwear, after all) is slowly winding down.
But that doesn’t mean we’ll miss waking up in vats of hummus and crushed pretzels.
Welcome to the (non) club! Here are the 60 signs your party girl life is ending:
1. You don't have any recently tagged Facebook pictures.
2. You feel weird when your dress is too short.
3. You only go out when there's a birthday or special occasion… not just because it's Friday.
4. You can no longer take a shot without a chaser.
5. You’re sick of not remembering everything.
6. Your voice is permanently raspy, and you've had enough calling home and your sister greeting you with, “Hey, Dad!”
7. You go to clubs and complain about how many people are there.
8. You're tired of waiting for new credit cards in the mail.
9. You don't consider “Dancing like no one’s watching” a real form of exercise anymore.
10. You've succumbed to the fact that you can't walk in heels, and this doesn’t upset you as much as you thought it would two years ago.
11. You're productive during the weekends.
12. You've gone more than three months without breaking your phone.
13. You forgot how to twerk. (Psh, girlfriend. NEVAAAA!)
14. You only want to go out to places where you can wear your pajamas.
15. You are now retelling your old stories from The Archives because you have no new ones.
16. You get drunk off two drinks now! For the girl who used to wear green pants and flash everyone from five-story rooftops, whoever thought this day would come?
17. You've recently found this thing called “good judgment.”
18. You never coat check because you know you aren’t staying that long.
19. When people ask you if you smoke cigarettes, you say you don’t instead of “only when I’m drunk.”
20. Your clothes are ruined from being spilled on, including the ones you wear to work.
21. Your taste in music has gotten significantly better. (AKA outside of electronic super galactic martian music.)
22. You can’t afford to lose your wallet anymore.
23. The thought of waking up in a stranger's bed doesn't excite you anymore… it scares you.
24. There is no more room on your legs for new bruises.
25. Insurance has asked you to stop drinking.
26. You'd rather be besties with your coworkers than the bouncers.
27. You've recently scaled back on your eyeshadow game.
28. You say things like, “I cant go out tonight. I need to catch up on my sleep.”
29. You can’t relate to drunk anxiety anymore.
30. You no longer need a pregame to feel OK about drinking a lot. You're perfectly comfortable checking out with a bottle of wine all by yourself.
31. You started going home and seeing your parents again.
32. You’ve stopped living like a vampire.
33. You're debating issues dealing with Syria, not what to wear that weekend.
34. You purchased a white couch.
35. The only man you wait around for is your delivery guy.
36. You bought your last shirt-as-a-dress ensemble from Forever 21.
37. You’d rather sleep in your own bed than someone else’s.
38. You're insecure about your dance moves.
39. You actually care about and take notice of the price of drinks.
40. You never go a night without removing your makeup.
41. You are wearing tights again.
42. You actually have to go out and buy alcohol for when your friends come over. There’s no longer a constant supply in your freezer. Ditto for beer.
43. Coming home blackout isn’t funny anymore, it's exhausting.
44. You can’t even stay up to eat late night.
45. After years of deteriorating your brain cells and forgetting 89 percent of your nights out, you start more phrases with “When did that happen?” than “Remember when?”
46. You can’t stay up past 10 pm on a school night.
47. When you go to drunk text your go-tos, they know by now not to respond. You've pretty much exhausted your list of booty calls.
48. Shopping for cute little party dresses has been replaced by shopping for cute tailored work pants.
49. Gold eye glitter doesn't excite you like it used to… Sigh.
50. You don’t know the names of the new cool clubs. But you don’t actually care.
51. You've finally washed the hot, cess-pooly, retired alcoholic stripper stench from your hair.
52. You've started buying more “practical” shoes.
53. You forgot to buy red cups at the grocery store.
54. You’ve realized you won’t find someone who is “husband material” at the places you frequent.
55. When you see your drug dealer, he asks how you’ve been since the last time he saw you with your underwear tucked into your skirt holding a handle of Tito’s.
56. You've consecutively made it to work on-time every Friday morning.
57. Your hearing in your left ear could use some improvement from too many nights getting low near the bass.
58. You have time to do your laundry.
59. You can remember what the inside of the bar looks like.
60. You’re reading this post and thinking, “Sh*t, that’s me.”
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