Apparently, being single in your twenties is currently some sort of epidemic that comes without explanation. While I am a part of this demographic, I am more than aware of the reasons I am single. It starts off with this: I choose to be.
People bitch and complain about being single, stressing how much they hate it and how it’s such a drag to go through life alone. You know what’s a drag? Having to tell someone what you plan on doing all day long.
Guess what?! This is America, land of the free and home of the brave! I’m going to do whatever the f*ck I want to do today because I feel like it! If I feel like lying in bed for 10 hours on end, watching television while inhaling Domino’s thin crust pizza, I’m going to do just that! And if I’m really feeling it, I’ll do it again tomorrow!
The only person I’m answering to at this point in my life is the deliveryman, and honestly, he’s the only man I need in my life right now. Stop worrying about why you’re single and allow me to provide you with some eye-opening reasons for your relationship status — reasons you may not be aware of!
Sit back and laugh at the possible satirical explanations for why you’re still single, like me:
1. I’d rather stay in than go out.
When the weather is less than ideal, the most enticing place to spend Friday night is most definitely my bed, not the bar. Unfortunately, the only people to bond with during this time is the cast of “Grey’s Anatomy,” as my binge session continues on Netflix.
2. If I do go out, I’m not remembering the majority of it.
No one wants to date a girl who blacks out every time she goes out, do they? Although, guys, at least we don’t judge you when you end your night the same way!
3. I don’t want to meet your family.
Walking into a room full of strangers whose only goal is to judge me sounds like the perfect afternoon, right? Thanks, but I think I’m going to have to pass on this one.
4. I definitely don’t want you to meet my family.
The only thing scarier than meeting your family is the idea of you meeting mine.
5. I can’t even commit to what I want for lunch.
I don’t even know what ingredients I want in this make-your-own salad. How am I supposed to commit to an actual person? Ugh, life is so hard sometimes…
6. I enjoy having the entire bed to myself far too much to share it.
Why choose a side when I have the entire bed to myself? Look at all of this space I have for the clean laundry I don’t feel like putting away!
7. I love my best friend more than I can foresee myself loving a potential partner.
You already love your best friend and trust her wholeheartedly. She basically fulfills every need you could ever want in a boyfriend. Well, except for the whole sex thing…
8. I have a low tolerance for bullsh*t.
Relationships are all about understanding, patience and compromise: three things I have absolutely no interest in pursuing.
9. I’d rather hang out with my guy friends.
Guy friends are a huge breath of fresh air from the drama that girl friends can often bring. Who says girls are the whiny ones in relationships? Boyfriends who let the girl wear the pants in the relationship can be even worse.
10. I have trust issues.
Seamless said my food would arrive in 30 minutes; it has now been 46 minutes! How am I expected to trust a person when so many other things in life let me down?!
11. I have an unhealthy relationship with Netflix.
I don’t need my own relationship! I’m too busy trying to keep track of Olivia and Fitz, Derek and Meredith, and Chuck and Blair! It’s exhausting!
12. My afterwork schedule doesn’t allow for a relationship.
Wake up, go to work, hit the gym, eat dinner, smoke, shower and go to sleep. I’m not really sure where a boyfriend would fit into this rigorous schedule…
13. Romantic notions make me want to vomit.
I just want someone tall, dark and handsome who will ignore me and treat me like sh*t. Is that so much to ask for?
14. I’d rather cuddle a pint of ice cream than a man.
At least this delicious snack won’t judge me for being myself!
15. I don’t know which I’m worse at: cooking or cleaning.
What’s the point of making my bed in the morning if I’m just going to hop back in it at the end of the day? Who has time to tidy up while running late for work? To top it off, the only thing I’m good at making is a reservation, or placing my order on Seamless. Don’t expect any home-cooking from me.
16. I want a relationship for all the wrong reasons.
It’d be nice not to have to pay for every dinner I eat, on top of my various taxi rides. Also, boyfriends give great birthday gifts!
17. I’m too picky.
He’s too short; he has too many feelings. Why does he text me all day? Why didn’t he text me all day? Blah, blah, blah. We need one of those machines where we can input exactly which qualities and traits we’d like in our dream guy, and then he magically pops out and we live happily ever after. Until then, you can find me watching “Law & Order,” entertaining myself with someone else’s problems.