#TBT: How Every Girl Lost Her Virginity As Told By Austin Powers
Maybe you were in high school and in love with your first boyfriend, or maybe you were underage, wasted in a bathroom stall. At some point in each girl’s life, she’s going to have to part ways with her cherry. Farewell, adieu and congrats — now you’re one step closer to ending up like Tara Reid!
Every woman has a different tale about how she ‘lost it’ — perhaps it was a premeditated romantic evening, a one-night stand the first night of Freshman year, or even a random foreigner in town for just the night whose name you can’t remember. No judgment, you got it done and you got down.
In the spirit of throwback Thursdays, we’re celebrating that fateful/humorous/traumatizing/nobigdeal day when a young girl (hopefully of consenting age) becomes a young woman. Who says you can only lose your virginity once?
We’re reliving it all over again…
You’ve Decided That You’re Ready (Or Maybe You’re Pushing 25 And It’s About Time)
Mentally, you’re prepared. Down there? Well, only time will tell. Your friends have done it, your parents are doing it, and even your dog humps your leg every now and then, so you’re thinking it’s your moment to jump on the bandwagon. It will finally be your turn to share with your girlfriends the complete play-by-play to a chorus of :”Oh-my-god! You go girl!”
The Date Is Set
After careful deliberation, you plan on tonight being the night to make it happen. You’re going to a party where there will be lots of alcohol and plenty of guys — including The One who will deflower you — and you stole a condom from your older brother’s drawer, so you’ve come prepared.
You put on your tightest outfit, heavy on the eyeliner, swipe on some Lancôme Juicy Tube lip gloss (haha, remember those?) and strut like you’re a drag queen about to go on stage (only because you kind of look like one…)
Wow, aren’t you the life of the party tonight? There’s a pep in your step, a grin on your face and a huge bottle of vodka in your right hand. You’ve heard the horror stories about how much it hurts — since you couldn’t get your hands on your parents’ stash of pills, booze will have to be your muscle relaxer tonight. Cross your fingers and hope that handle pass will do the trick.
Mark Your Target
You’ve spotted The One in the crowd, and he’s looking better than ever (thanks, Grey Goose!). You shimmy over and let it be known that you are very, very drunk and super eager by going for the crotchsicle and giving the “f*ck me eyes.” Who knew you’d be such a professional so early in the game?
The two of you have been flirting for a while, and you finally feel comfortable enough to progress into unknown territory. This is when you not-so-slyly whisper in his ear that “it’s time to go.” By now, you’re past caring if he’s the “right guy for you” or where it’s going to happen. You’re Tom Cruise in “Mission Impossible” and it’s go-time. Fire those missiles…into your pants! (Too soon?)
The opening act is just a warm-up before the main event. While the two of you play tonsil hockey, your mind is wondering: does he know you’re a virgin?
Will he be okay with it? Will I get pregnant like those kids in the TLC shows? Do I give him a heads-up or play the ultimate “I’ve never done this before” virgin prank? You’ve never thought harder about something in your whole life (unless you count the time you first tried pot with your older cousin and contemplated the meaning of life).
Whoaaa, things have heated up quickly. This is when you blurt out, “This is my first time!” moments before it’s about to happen. Hehe, hopefully he finds your inexperience attractive, or else it’s looking like blue balls all around.
Okay, well at least he thought you were experienced and cool enough to have already done it! You try to assuage his fears by stating that you are, in fact, of legal age and “it’s never felt more right, baby” (gag!). Then you do your best kissy face, push the trusty condom in his face, and don’t take no for an answer.
He Suggests Lube
Is this Moroccan Oil?
You Brace Yourself For The Big Reveal
Maybe put some towels down just in case?
Houston, We Have Landed!
It’s in! Hmm…this feels odd. When will it look like it does in the movies?
Okay, Maybe You Bleed Just A Little
Does It Get Better?
Is it you? Is it him?
After A Few Rounds, You’re Feeling Like A New Woman
Yes, you are! Hi-fives! You lost your virginity and you lived to tell the tale. Go now, young flower, off into the great sexual abyss that is one-night stands, lots of bad choices and a little bit of romance sprinkled in.
It’s Over And You’re Left Thinking “That Was It?”
Well, now that that’s out of the way, who’s up for pizza?! You’re happy you did it and can’t wait to do it again.
You Share The News With Your Girlfriends
They’re all very excited for you and finally you can join in on the fun. Welcome to a lifetime of gossiping about other guys’ penises, different positions and girly sex talks over brunch.
After, When A Friend Confesses She’s Still A Virgin…
Psh, you’re so much more experienced than she is.