You know you need to reevaluate your life when you and your friends watch “The Hangover” and aren’t too weirded out by what happens the morning after.
Okay, maybe that’s a bit of a stretch. After all, none of us woke up with a random baby or had a run-in with Mike Tyson.
Still, there are a handful of nights a year when my friends and I allow ourselves to get up to all sorts of drunken debauchery.
Our favorite, though, has always been New Year’s Eve.
Everyone is in a different state of mind on New Year’s.
Suddenly, even the most pessimistic loonies are optimistic again.
We all look forward to a fresh year, and our favorite way to celebrate is with plenty of alcohol.
All that booze lends itself to a sh*tshow of a night. It also leads to some great texting fodder for the next morning.
Here’s what to expect.
1. To the group text with all your BFFs:
“Is everyone alive?"
2. To your work wife:
“Please don’t tell me your midnight kiss was Jeremy from accounting."
3. To your mom:
“Yeah, I just stayed home and ordered pizza last night."
4. To the friend who ditched you last minute because she was "sick:"
“HOW DARE YOU LEAVE ME ALONE. I DIDN’T KNOW ANYONE AND MY ONLY FRIEND WAS THE DOG."
5. To the friend who got drunk way before midnight:
“How’s the toilet treating ya?"
6. To the hot guy you wanted to make your midnight kiss:
“Hope you had fun last night!"
7. To the creepy, probably-a-serial-killer friend of a friend who actually became your kissing partner:
“Please delete my number."
8. To last night’s host:
“Have you seen my Tweety Bird socks?"
9. To your Uber driver:
“Sorry for puking in your car."
10. To the ex you totally drunk-dialed last night:
"Sorry."
“Also, your new girlfriend looks like ass."
11. To the rando who sent you a mass “Happy New Year" text:
“Who the f*ck is this?"
12. To your best friend:
“I’m never drinking again."
