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A Dry Spell In Denial: These Are The Stages Of Your Celibacy

There comes a point in every young lad and lass’s life in which sex or even anything that resembles sexual activity suddenly comes to a halt and disappears into thin air for a prolonged period of time.

Some of us may be fortunate enough where this hasn’t happened yet — to those of you laughing right now or thinking you are impermeable to such an occurrence, we cannot wait until three months from now when you’re desperately dialing all your old contacts to come over and touch your private parts.

Celibacy isn’t just for nuns anymore; it strikes even the hottest of girls and sexiest of guys. Maybe you’re working too much or maybe you’re just in a funk, but it’s kind of like putting your underwear on backwards — it happens to the best of us.

For those out there getting by without getting some, gearing up just to gear down and putting the car in neutral: we’ve been there and you will come out the other side. In the meantime, this one’s for you.

Week One: Everything Appears To Be Normal

Okay, so you didn’t get any this week. It happens and it doesn’t feel like anything out of place. You remind yourself of the legendary lay that you had last weekend and that will hold you over for the time being.


Week Two: Falsely Believing This Is A Dry Spell

Okay, so maybe you were having a little bit of bad luck at the bar or you weren’t bringing your A-Game. You’re not desperate enough to drunk text your back-up booty call just yet (he/she can be pretty brutal to endure), but you’ve also made a pact with yourself to get laid by next weekend…or else.


Month One: Officially Starting To Count

Hitting a milestone freaks you out. It’s been a month — no longer just a phase and no longer an unfortunate coincidence of some sort. You feel like someone’s playing a cruel joke. Why didn’t your tenth-in-line friend with benefits respond to your call last night? Wait, why are you even considering him/her? Why are you still thinking about why he/she didn’t respond?! This madness has to stop. Vow to wear no clothes this Friday night and give it your best shot.


Month One, Week Two: Beginning To Take It Personally

Is it you? Are you having a fat month? You haven’t really let yourself go yet, but you’re thinking about it. “If I’m not having sex, then I should be having fun!” Unfortunately, this will only hurt your cause.


Month Two: Time Flies When You’re Not Having Fun

Whoa, it’s month two already? What happened here? You don’t even know what you were busy doing if you weren’t getting laid, but somehow the weeks have really gone by quickly. This is a bad sign — now you’re getting used to the celibate life. You make it your priority to eye-f*ck every human being on the street for virtual practice.


Month Three: Missed Opportunity Sets You Back

It’s starting to feel like every encounter you have with the opposite sex is an opportunity to get in his/her pants. Sh*t’s getting weird when you envision your boss naked. To make matters worse, when you go to the bar and score a kiss and a number, it only leads to a dead-end. Normally you wouldn’t dwell on such an insignificant loss, but you’re beyond desperate. Another one slips you by.


Month Three.5: Stalking Your Exes

Now you’re just enjoying feeling like a loser. You’re reviewing all the golden boys/girls you had in your prime. You actually have come to terms with labeling parts of your sexual history — two years ago was your “zenith” and now is “rock bottom.” Keep telling yourself this will never happen again.


Month Four: Sexually Frustrated

You’ve become very mean to the people around you. You’re unpleasant all the time. The world is cynical. Radiohead speaks to your brooding soul. You don’t know whether to laugh or cry or hit someone when you think about it. This is not the life you thought you envisioned when you started taking birth control. Getting down in the dumps won’t get you down in the sack, but you’re close to giving up.


Month Five: Not Even Thinking About Sex Anymore

You’ve accepted it. This is the new normal. You think you’ve gained a newly found independence and believe you will be happy alone. You only read content that confirms this idea. You don’t even talk about sex — or lack thereof — anymore. It’s a given that you are not having it while the rest of the world is. You convince yourself that this makes you special.


Month Six: Face Rape

HOLD UP! It’s been half a f*cking year?! What the hell have you been doing to keep busy? You better have something to show for the lack of sex you’ve (not) been having. You promise yourself that tonight is THE night to end this, once and for all. You force yourself on some hopeless rando at the club and face rape him/her with your tongue.

After attacking your prey and turning out a pitiful performance, you’re really not all that surprised when he/she doesn’t want to come home with you. But you are DEFINITELY drowning that sorrow in more alcohol and late night pizza. Mouth – 1 Sex – O.


Month Six.5: Anarchy

You’ve put the penis/p*ssy on the pedestal. You’ve watched so much porn that your hand is falling off. You can’t even remember the last time you felt lust. You’ve exhausted your mental replay of one-night stands. You have been reduced to an animal, your needs are primal. It’s GO TIME.


Month Seven: Houston, We Have Contact

You did it! You made it through and you will never, ever let this happen again. Is it just you or is the sun shining way more brightly today? You’re finally back in the game. You have a new pep in your step and your skin is back to glowing.

You will speak of this to no one, pretend like it never happened, and move on. But you will always be grateful for the future ass that you score because you know it’s a precious commodity that can be taken away at any moment. As you bask in the glory of your triumph, you feel like an entirely new person and you’re ready again to take on the world.

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Laura Argintar

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