As much as we may hate on our own kind, there will always be one common denominator that unites us all: our menstruation cycles. It may not sound pleasant or all that appealing, but we’re ladies and it comes with the territory.
Yes, they are a total nuisance, but without them we wouldn’t be able to justify our bad moods or sudden three-pound weight gain. If anything, our periods give us something new to bitch about. And nothing says “sisterly love” like slyly passing your co-worker a tampon under the desk. We’ve all been there, and regardless if you hate her guts, you know what it’s like to be in need.
If there’s one thing we can count on in this world (or maybe not if you’re sexually active) it’s our monthly pal. Flo doesn’t discriminate, doesn’t care if you have the MCATs that day, and will gleefully ruin your beach weekend. Yet, being the strong women that we are, we don’t let something as routine as our periods get us down. Instead, we use it as an excuse to get away with much, much worse…
Wearing White Bottoms
For the embarrassingly high amount of times this has happened to us, we should probably know better by now than to wear white bottoms when we’re menstruating. Still, we continue to endure the anxiety and the possible mortification of spoiling a perfectly good pair of pants, trying to convince ourselves that “today’s a light day” and it’s not going to happen. And yet it always does without fail. Us – 0; Flo – 1.
Celebrating Not Being Pregnant
It might suck, but at least we can delay premature pregnancy by another month! As each one comes, we can mentally cross it off our lists of “Things to Worry About Today.”
Pretending Calories Don’t Count
…So that means we can eat pretty much EVERYTHING, right? Chocoholics unite! Greasy spoon enthusiasts, eat on! These kCals are like manna when you’re grubbing harder than Kim Kardashian in the third trimester.
Indulging In A Cuddle Sesh
Since sex isn’t on the table, one classic move is to get a guy to go back with you on the first night and then never go any further than a kiss and a little grope – there is satisfaction in restraint. This is really just a pregame though before the true event of the night: indulging in a Kerry Washington “Scandal” sesh.
Using Bunches Of Toilet Paper As A Makeshift Pad
We’re going there. We all know it happens and sometimes ya gotta get crafty!
Being A Bitch
We all can get a little feisty from time to time; it’s natural for us fierce females. When it’s that time of the month, our prey better watch out because there’s no lid on this furnace.
Wearing Sweatpants For A Week
Skinny jeans are the last things we want to squeeze into when we’re cramping and more bloated than Matthew Perry on his return from rehab. Sweatpants, stretch pants, whatever your weapon-of-choice – just no buttons allowed. And if you have to go to work, it’s an elastic waistband kind of day.
Going For It: Engaging In Sex
It’s the end of our cycle, it’s barely there, and so despite our better judgments, we decide we’re going for it. What’s the worst that can happen, right? Sorry we’re not sorry.
Generally a safe activity as long as you wear a tampon and avoid the sharks at the beach.
Giving Lots Of Blowjobs
Pretty self-explanatory. Intimacy doesn’t have to be put on hold just because our private parts aren’t coming to party. And eventually he’ll have to return the favor.
Wicked Mood Swings
When it’s that time of the month, our moods fluctuate more than Rob Kardashian’s weight. What’s especially great is that we can easily dismiss crazy spells using our periods as an excuse. Here’s how it goes:
“Babe, you were f*cking bat sh*t last night.”
“Hahaha, I know. I’m about to get my period.”
“Oh. I want nothing to do with that.”
Going To Bed Without A Tampon
Blackout mishaps occur. It’s like remembering to wear your retainer at the end of the night – more often than not we’re going to sleep without it.
Skipping The Gym
We know, we know – everyone says that exercise actually helps menstrual cramps, but these people are sadists who also believe running helps to clear your head (newflash: not if we’re constantly thinking about how miserable it is to run). When we’re feeling sluggish and marinating in those yoga pants, the last thing we want to do is abandon a “Real Housewives” marathon for the treadmill. Psh, yeah right. There’s a better chance of getting us to change the channel.
This is just gross, but someone’s gotta write about it!
Wearing The Same Protection For The Entire Work Day
It’s really a defense mechanism against any awkwardness when going to the bathroom. Is there anything more mortifying than having a stop-and-chat with our male bosses while holding a gigantic pad in our hands? We might as well advertise the fact that we’re menstruating to the whole office.
Getting A Wax
Aestheticians have totally seen worse, right? We don’t anticipate having our periods forever, so we still need to ‘tend to the garden’ for when it ends.
Gaining Some Extra LBs
We’ll just go ahead and blame the additional poundage on water weight and bloat. Nevermind the truth that we ate three times our body weight in french fries. We’ll sweat it out next week when this is all over.
Forgoing Protection At The End Of Our Cycle
Why do we pretend like it’s not happening? It’s definitely still happening. There goes another pair of Hanky Panky’s.
Lying In Bed All Day
Missing work, playing hooky from class and cancelling appointments are all side effects of the “big P.” Say you have a migraine, order in Seamless and enjoy the day off. Your vagina deserves it.
Lying To Our Boyfriends That It’s Over
Gotcha! We’re totally guilty of telling our partner that it’s the end when really it’s day three, mid-cycle and a heavy flow. Oops. And by “over” we mean “not a chance.”
Touching Our Boobs 24/7
Perhaps one of the only welcomed side effects of menstruating is that our boobs grow exponentially bigger. Time to whip out the push-ups and v-necks, ladies!