How To Still Dress Slutty Even When It’s Freezing Outside
I’m just a girl who can’t say no to slutty clothes.
I’m pretty empowered by a provocative wardrobe. When I dress sexy, I’m in a good spiritual and mental place. In fact, when I drape myself in long, loose dresses with high collars, I’m usually depressed.
I first discovered my love of “slut chic” when I lived in Los Angeles because the weather and the lifestyle just calls for it.
So when I first moved back to New York City, I panicked. I didn’t want to lose my slutty edge in the cold weather.
Well, my mother used to say to me, “Where there’s a will, there’s a way.” And naturally, she’s right.
I found a way to keep my clothes scanty and stay warm at the same time (well, warm enough to not die, at least).
Just because the temperature is dropping outside, doesn’t mean your hotness needs to freeze away. As long as you follow these pro-tips, you’re golden, fierce kittens:
Say “no” to bare legs and “YAS QUEEN” to tights.
Tights are a regular girl’s best friend in the winter, but tights are the scantily-clad girl’s soulmate in winter. We could not exist without tights.
In fact, I would argue the only real difference between our summer wardrobe and winter wardrobe is tights (and maybe over-the-knee boots).
Start out with fishnets in the fall (what’s sexier than fishnets, baby?), and then, work your way to full-on tights in the winter.
You can essentially wear anything you would wear in the summer — short-shorts, baby-doll dresses, mini dresses or tiny skirts. Just throw on a pair of tights with them and go on with your life, honey.
Invest in a HOT pair of over-the-knee boots.
The other day, I was wearing my over-the-knee boots, when a bitchy-but-funny gay boy shouted, “Your boots go on forever!”
He was right. My boots went all the way to my upper thigh — and I can thank the beautiful goddess above for that.
If it weren’t for my long, leather boots, there is no way I could have survived the frigid weather in a mini dress that day.
It doesn’t matter whether the boots are leather or suede — as long as they go past the knee and have a bit of a kinky heel, you will be gorgeously warm on the coldest of days.
And when it’s really, really cold, you can double up with black tights, thick socks and over-the-knee boots. With this many sexy layers, you could wear shorts so short they’re practically underwear, and you’ll still be warmer than that smug bitch in her basic jeans.
Make leotards your lifestyle.
Leotards are such a staple of my wardrobe, I don’t even know where to begin. (Seriously, the only shirts I own are either leotards or crop tops.)
Even if they’re sheer, leotards keep you warm from your chest to your crotch. Really, it’s just like wearing long underwear — they trap in the heat.
To keep you even warmer, rock one with long sleeves. And if bae is coming over, wear your leotard and nothing else.
It’s one of those unexpectedly sexy, retro things that’ll drive bae wild.
Pair a beanie with your mini. Always.
My mother used to throw another gem of wisdom at me: “So long as your head is warm, you’ll be FINE!”
And in this case, she’s absolutely right. Again.
If your head is adorned with a fluffy, warm beanie, you’ll have a solid base of warmth.
Just don’t get one too tight around your skull. You’ll get terrible headaches, and the goal is to look hot — not to have migraines.
Also, if you pair your mini dress with a beanie, you won’t look quite so desperately slutty. You’ll look more “grungy, slutty, chic Winona Ryder in the ’90s,” which is even more hot.
Bring a cozy blanket with you everywhere.
I don’t go anywhere in the winter without a blanket or a blanket scarf.
If you’re dressed pretty racy and you’re starting to shiver, just throw on your trusty blanket. (It might even be a reparative experience to help you work through your dysfunctional childhood, during which your parents forbade you from having a blankie.)
You can do that sexy thing where you artfully drape the fabric over you body, all the right parts still in plain view while your arms are ~toasty~ and covered.
Vote “Yes” to the illogical long sleeve crop top.
“Winter is coming, so I really need stock up on my long-sleeve crop tops!” I told my girlfriend a few months ago.
She might have rolled her eyes and laughed in my face, but you better believe she bought me a long-sleeve crop top a few days later.
I know sleeves seem like a subtle difference, but their benefits are huge. If you’re going to expose all that midriff, your arms need to be fully covered. It’s even better if you can find a crop top with ultra-tight sleeves that cover your cold, little hands, too.
Think of dressing slutty in the winter as a compromise: You bare your stomach, but you cover your arms and hands.
Like anything in this world, it’s really about balance.
Finally, drink heaps of champagne.
After 20 years of drinking and dressing up, I’ve cultivated a theory: After two glasses of champagne, your heels don’t hurt as badly.
And after three glasses, babes, you can’t feel the cold weather as intensely, which is why winter is the perfect time to be a little buzzed when you go out.
A word of warning: This tactic is too effective if you drink whiskey. You will feel so warm after whiskey, you’ll end up in only your bra.
But just a bit of innocent bubbles will leave you feeling slightly warmer, so you can’t feel the piercing wind cutting through those sheer tights, baby!
And if anyone shames you for your slutty clothes this winter, just remember the great words of fashion legend Diana Vreeland:
“A little bad taste is like a nice splash of paprika. We all need a splash of bad taste — it’s hearty, it’s healthy, it’s physical. I think we could use more of it. No taste is what I’m against.”
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