If You're Mad At Your Partner, Text Them This Instead Of Blowing Up

Susan Winter, relationship expert, love coach, and author of Breakup Triage: The Cure for Heartache

suggests something that might just feel totally impossible when you’re heated, but that’s really quite simple: Just wait.

I get it — when you're angry, it's hard not to react immediately and let the chips — or, in this case, texts — fall where they may. But in this case, the only action Winter suggests is inaction. “The greater your anger, the more you need to wait,” Winter tells Elite Daily. “Though the impulse is to attack, accuse or defend, here's where every word you write is of paramount importance. Waiting to construct the perfect statement will make all the difference in your point being heard, and understood.” It’s hard, but it’s totally worth it.

Taking the time to cool off a bit can also give you a better understanding of what you truly need from your partner in this moment, as Rebecca Newman, MSW, LCSW, previously told Bustle, "We sometimes perseverate on our anger because we feel compelled to be 'right,' when what we really need is to be heard."

No matter what you do, resist the urge to hash it out angrily over text because, as Winter warns, “Starting a fight over text is guaranteed to fail. You're going to blow up and say things you don't mean to say in reactivity," she says. "Emotions escalate quickly, causing both partners to overreact and write things they'll regret.”

Plus, it’s a lot harder to take things back when there is literally a written record of them. So, take the time to really think about what you want to say before you send it.

While you’re waiting to calm down a bit, Winter says to take the time to think about what you really want to communicate to your partner. When you put your feelings aside, what's the most important takeaway? Once you know the answer to that, you're ready to “make your statements short and concise," suggests Winter. "A text message is not the place to elaborate, or lay out the body of your argument. That's better done in person.”

Now that you’ve calmed down and really considered why you're so upset, it’s time to actually send the message. Winter says there are four things to keep in mind.

First: Keep the tone of the message non-reactive. “Non-reactivity shows that you're willing to negotiate," she explains. "You're clearly upset, but you're also levelheaded. It shows that you are open to a real conversation rather than accusations and attacks.” That way, they're far less likely to immediately go on the defense.

Second: Even though you have a lot of feelings and thoughts right now, this is not the time or the outlet to spill them all out. Instead, Winter says to keep it short, because if it’s brief, it’s automatically "less threatening.”

Third: Try and keep your statement rational and diplomatic. That way, they don’t become combative right off the bat. If all you want to do is vent, then go ahead and vent, but it won’t help you resolve anything faster. If anything, it will make it even harder. Because, after all, “who wants to ‘talk it out’ when they know they're going into battle?” asks Winter. No one. And for this same reason, Winter says not to make accusations over text.

Last, but not least: When you write your text, avoid language that will provoke an unproductive response, as licensed marriage and family therapist Carrie Krawiec previously told Bustle. "Stick to 'I' statements. Starting a sentence with ‘You’ signifies blame or criticism and can cause defensiveness, denial, counter arguments and rebuttals." Instead, focus on how you’re feeling, adds Winter. “Emotions expressed in the 'I' format reveal what you're feeling without directly blaming your partner,” she says. (Even if you're actually blaming your partner, save that for the face-to-face.)

So what fits all the requirements and sets you up for a successful and productive face-to-face conversation? Winter says it should go a little something like this:

I'm hurt and upset by what's happened. I'd like to hear your side of it so that we can address the situation together.

I'm really angry about what you said. I really want to hear your side of this so we can work on resolving the issue and moving forward.

I'm still processing everything that happened and I’m still really upset. So, I’d love to sit down and talk to you about it, so we can address it together.