Same Sh*t, Different Dude: Why You Need To Stop Dating Carbon Copies Of Your Ex
Maybe you seem to attract the same type of relationship (new guy, same old problems) over and over again. It sounds pretty crazy, but somehow, out of all the people in the world, you find carbon copies of the same guy.
Fear not, though; you’re far from alone.
This relationship "Groundhog Day" isn’t an issue with the guys; the issue is you. You are the common denominator in all of your failed relationships. The same goes for your friendships, work relationships and other problematic unions you face on a recurring basis.
However, it probably has nothing to do with your qualities, characteristics or the way you look. Changing any of these will only change how your problem looks superficially.
The real reason is much deeper, based on our subconscious minds and the true feelings we have about what it is we “want” and “deserve.” On a conscious level, we may not accept a partner who cheats, but for some reason, we turn a blind eye to behaviors that aren’t congruent with a faithful partner.
Are we conditioned to endless self-sabotage due to incongruence between our conscious and unconscious mind?
No! We can break our patterns and meet the men of our dreams. Here are three steps to help break your pattern and get on the path to meeting Mr. Right:
1. Get to know yourself
Women often complain that they attract the wrong guys, but if you ask them what kind of man they want, they have no idea. Or, she “knows” what she wants in a man but has no idea why she wants it.
It’s no different than going on a job interview for the great title but hating the role itself. That’s why it’s so important to spend some time alone and figure out what you really want.
Decide why you want a relationship: Do you want to get married and have children or are you just trying to escape yourself? Maybe you just need a hobby.
Once you know why you want to be in a relationship and with which kind of man, it’s time to assess yourself. It’s no easy task to honestly critique yourself and make the necessary changes, but if you don’t, you surely won’t find someone to complement your personality.
For example, the girl who thinks she’s unworthy deep down is likely to find a man who will show her just how unworthy she is.
Develop yourself and be the kind of person you want to meet. Learn from your relationship history and then remove the bad. Angry people who are afraid of being hurt again can’t be in healthy relationships.
Your past is not your future and just because something happened before does not mean it will happen again — unless of course you didn’t learn your lesson the first time.
2. Learn your lessons
We may not understand why things happen to us when they do, but eventually, time brings clarity to difficult situations. Life is a learning experience, and if we don’t learn from our mistakes, we will repeat them until we get it right.
The people in our lives act as our mirrors and the intimate relationship we have with our partner is a key one to help us to understand ourselves. Even a “bad” relationship is not a waste of time because it leads us to learn more about ourselves.
Never blame the other person for what he or she did to you — no matter how badly your heart broke. There is no win in being a victim; you give away your power by not recognizing your own responsibility.
It’s not about blame and there is no need to feel bad about yourself; it is just about recognizing how you played a role in creating a situation and how you can create positive situations rather than negative ones next time round.
Taking responsibility and analyzing your lessons counteracts the feelings of anger, hurt and resentment, which are some of the most detrimental feelings that bad relationships can bring about.
They are not only detrimental to your state of mind but can also go as far as your body. So, whatever you do, clear your mind of all anger and learn your lessons instead.
3. Know your worth
Knowing your worth sets the basic level of respect with which you expect to be treated. This is a non-negotiable level on which you won’t budge, no matter how “amazing” he might be.
Setting the standard of how you expect to be treated all comes down to knowing and caring about yourself enough to have the confidence to not accept anything less.
Whatever you do, don’t slack on this one because the level to which you set the bar is the level at which men will approach you. Remember, it’s much easier to put the “rules” in place from the get-go than to enforce changes down the line.
Actions will ALWAYS speak louder then words. Lets do a little quiz to highlight the point:
If you seek a serious, committed relationship and your new interest sent you a late-night text for a late-night rendezvous, do you:
A. Meet up with him and tell him “you’re not that kind of girl.” (You really like him and will use all your will power not to sleep with him and hope he will think you are a keeper in the morning after a night of cuddles.)
B. Are insulted by the fact that he wants a booty call instead of a dinner date. You call him and question his motives. (You really hope to reassure yourself that he likes you so much that he just can’t hold back from seeing you.)
C. Don’t reply… ever — unless he puts two and two together and realizes where your bar is set.
The correct answer is C! Most of our communication is non-verbal. It’s not what you are trying to communicate; it’s how you do it. Being clear is very important. It’s up to you to set your standard or forever be disappointed.
Breaking your relationship cycle and attracting the “right” man follows a similar method to any other goal you set.
It always involves having a clear reason and desired result in mind, being disciplined in action toward reaching your goal and being optimistic despite any bumps along the way.
You will notice that once you have followed these steps and you genuinely accept nothing less than your set standard, your set standard will be what you get.
Photo via Favim
